I am hoping that someone here can understand what I am going through. I am 22 years old, I have a job that I love, I have a boyfriend that I love more than anyone in the world, but I can't get these suicidal thoughts out of my head. I have had these thoughts on and off since I was in my early teens. I can't come up with a good reason why. I work as an emergency medical technician for a local ambulance company. I love my job and I love the people that I work with. Everyone that I know has made comments about how happy I seem and that I never let anything bother me. If only they knew how I felt inside. I am always smiling and talking to people and I have a lot of friends. But I feel that my extreme appearance of happiness is my way of hiding how I really feel from the rest of the world. I have never talked to anyone about how I feel. I have a boyfriend that I have lived with for almost 4 years and I love him very much. We have a good relationship with only minor problems every once in a while. My suicidal thoughts have been on overdrive for the past couple of months. Ever since I started an expedited paramedic program. This class is very stressful. But it is something that I have always wanted to do. I don't blame the class for my thoughts but I think the stress has made them worse. Between work and school and trying to keep a clean home I am burnt out. The reason I am reaching out for some help is because I have been thinking about how I would kill myself which I know is a step closer to actually doing it. I have even found myself holding an empty gun to my head and pulling the trigger. It also seems that if I am not constantly doing something I am thinking about it in all of my down time. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. Im afraid of being alone. My sleep has been greatly effected. I stay up way to late keeping myself busy and I sleep for 10 to 14 hours if I am not interrupted. I also play out scenarios in my head of an accident happening to me that would either kill me or leave me seriously injured. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the idea of how it would effect my friends and family. Not that I want to stay alive. I also feel that I have no right to feel suicidal. I have a good life. There are a lot of people out there that have it way worse than I do, so how pathetic is it that I think about suicide. Depression also runs strongly in my family. I have many members in my family with it and a handful who committed suicide. No one in my family has any idea how I really feel. Even my grandmother has said to me that she is thankful that I don't suffer from depression like so many in our family. I have never corrected her out of shame. I have no reason to be suicidal but I think about it every day. Does anyone know what I am going through? Has anyone done it themselves?