hiding behind a smile

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nlm111089, Jul 2, 2012.

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  1. nlm111089

    nlm111089 New Member

    I am hoping that someone here can understand what I am going through. I am 22 years old, I have a job that I love, I have a boyfriend that I love more than anyone in the world, but I can't get these suicidal thoughts out of my head. I have had these thoughts on and off since I was in my early teens. I can't come up with a good reason why.

    I work as an emergency medical technician for a local ambulance company. I love my job and I love the people that I work with. Everyone that I know has made comments about how happy I seem and that I never let anything bother me. If only they knew how I felt inside. I am always smiling and talking to people and I have a lot of friends. But I feel that my extreme appearance of happiness is my way of hiding how I really feel from the rest of the world. I have never talked to anyone about how I feel.

    I have a boyfriend that I have lived with for almost 4 years and I love him very much. We have a good relationship with only minor problems every once in a while.

    My suicidal thoughts have been on overdrive for the past couple of months. Ever since I started an expedited paramedic program. This class is very stressful. But it is something that I have always wanted to do. I don't blame the class for my thoughts but I think the stress has made them worse. Between work and school and trying to keep a clean home I am burnt out.

    The reason I am reaching out for some help is because I have been thinking about how I would kill myself which I know is a step closer to actually doing it. I have even found myself holding an empty gun to my head and pulling the trigger. It also seems that if I am not constantly doing something I am thinking about it in all of my down time. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. Im afraid of being alone. My sleep has been greatly effected. I stay up way to late keeping myself busy and I sleep for 10 to 14 hours if I am not interrupted. I also play out scenarios in my head of an accident happening to me that would either kill me or leave me seriously injured.

    The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the idea of how it would effect my friends and family. Not that I want to stay alive.

    I also feel that I have no right to feel suicidal. I have a good life. There are a lot of people out there that have it way worse than I do, so how pathetic is it that I think about suicide.

    Depression also runs strongly in my family. I have many members in my family with it and a handful who committed suicide. No one in my family has any idea how I really feel. Even my grandmother has said to me that she is thankful that I don't suffer from depression like so many in our family. I have never corrected her out of shame. I have no reason to be suicidal but I think about it every day. Does anyone know what I am going through? Has anyone done it themselves?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Shame what for hun depression is an illness just like diabetes cancer ect it is an illness and one that can be helped hun with medication therapy hun you don't have to keep suffering in silence hun get some help ok while you are still young hugs
  3. nlm111089

    nlm111089 New Member

    thank you for replying, I have known I need help for a long time but I can't seem to get over the shame of admitting something is wrong. I don't get why I feel that way because I work in the medical field and I know it is a disease and I help people with it all the time. I'm afraid that anyone find out about it. I just don't know what to do anymore...
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i too work in the medical field and i found it so hard to admit i was ill hun. I tell the people i work with every day it is an illness there is no shame and that we have the power to get well and to show others that getting help takes courage. You deserve to feel well to be well hun There are doctors lawyers pdoc depression does not discriminate hun . Do yourself a favor ok you go get help even your gp can prescribe meds for depression no one needs to know but what if they did hun they would see you doing everything possible to get well.
    Just do it now hun don't waste anymore years to get help ok hugs
  5. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think these feelings should have a form, a shape or even a body, something that would let us kick the shit out of them when they invade our thoughts. Shame, like guilt spreads itself over us, it's daft how we respond to it. We cut our noses off to spite our faces because of it. But it's an all pervasive feeling, and something most often totally irrational, yet it eats away at us. I won't begin to say I understand your feelings of shame, but I know mine, and if yours are anything like mine I can see where you are coming from.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

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