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High anxiety levels making me feel unwell

#1
Hi, really struggling today, but that’s nothing new. My anxiety levels are so high that I’ve gone into supercharge mode trying to do everything all at once. Stomach is in a knot, chest is pounding and I’ve already started taking additional pain killers to try to combat the stress. Absolutely no chance of trying to relax or calm down as I’m so agitated and restless id never settle. This is always my danger point because when I do eventually come crashing down I become very self destructive. I know there’s nothing anyone can do but at least writing it down I’m putting it out there.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#2
Hi, really struggling today, but that’s nothing new. My anxiety levels are so high that I’ve gone into supercharge mode trying to do everything all at once. Stomach is in a knot, chest is pounding and I’ve already started taking additional pain killers to try to combat the stress. Absolutely no chance of trying to relax or calm down as I’m so agitated and restless id never settle. This is always my danger point because when I do eventually come crashing down I become very self destructive. I know there’s nothing anyone can do but at least writing it down I’m putting it out there.
I hope you're feeling better at the time you read this. I know how that is, I get the same thing. And I potentially become dangerous to myself at this point as well. I'm sorry you go through this too.
 
#3
Thank you Aurelia, slightly calmer than earlier but I’ve already taken far to many pain meds today just to try to cope. I managed to persuade my gp to let me have some strong ones a week or so ago and although he wasn’t keen on the idea he did finally agree. He said he wanted my assurance that I wouldn’t do anything ‘stupid’ with them so I lied and said I wouldn’t. I’ve relied on them for so long I don’t get the same effect that I used to and I’m already on the slippery slope of needing more for the same effect. Probably addicted to opioids but I’m not even going to begin to admit that to myself or anyone else. I find taking risks and self destruction helps to mask the feelings of depression and anxiety. I’ve been out for a walk and trying to keep my head occupied but I find at times like this, just isolating myself is the only way forward.
 

SillyOldBear

SF grey-haired bear 🐻
Staff Alumni
#7
Have you asked your doctor about benzodiazepines. Unlike pain pills, they are specifically intend to help with anxiety. I just picked up my renewed prescription today. They are just as addictive as opioid, but you would have to take them by the hundreds to get a fatal dose, so your doctor may be open to having you try them. They are an amazing help for me. Best of luck!
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#8
Thank you Aurelia, slightly calmer than earlier but I’ve already taken far to many pain meds today just to try to cope. I managed to persuade my gp to let me have some strong ones a week or so ago and although he wasn’t keen on the idea he did finally agree. He said he wanted my assurance that I wouldn’t do anything ‘stupid’ with them so I lied and said I wouldn’t. I’ve relied on them for so long I don’t get the same effect that I used to and I’m already on the slippery slope of needing more for the same effect. Probably addicted to opioids but I’m not even going to begin to admit that to myself or anyone else. I find taking risks and self destruction helps to mask the feelings of depression and anxiety. I’ve been out for a walk and trying to keep my head occupied but I find at times like this, just isolating myself is the only way forward.
Not that I don't completely understand this, because I do, but you do realize that your tolerance will only keep going up higher and higher to get the same effect, right? Things like this is what lead people to doing heroin. At least, it did for me, and many others I know. On the other hand, I do understand the need for it all to just go away, regardless of knowing the consequences.
 
#9
Interesting, thank you. I just might do that. I’m on antidepressants already and since they increased my dose to the highest allowed I do get occasional better days which I didn’t before. But something to take the edge off the anxiety would be very beneficial.


Have you asked your doctor about benzodiazepines. Unlike pain pills, they are specifically intend to help with anxiety. I just picked up my renewed prescription today. They are just as addictive as opioid, but you would have to take them by the hundreds to get a fatal dose, so your doctor may be open to having you try them. They are an amazing help for me. Best of luck!
 
#10
Not that I don't completely understand this, because I do, but you do realize that your tolerance will only keep going up higher and higher to get the same effect, right? Things like this is what lead people to doing heroin. At least, it did for me, and many others I know. On the other hand, I do understand the need for it all to just go away, regardless of knowing the consequences.
I know. It’s like there are two thought processes in my head. The logical one which tells me I don’t need to do this and is fully aware of the dangers and downhill slope and the other that just simply needs to do something to get back at I don’t know what. It’s like I’m trying to fight and attack an invisible enemy and I have no control. I think perhaps a discussion with my gp but if I do he’ll never prescribe them again and then I will be stuck if he doesn’t have an alternative.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#11
Have you asked your doctor about benzodiazepines. Unlike pain pills, they are specifically intend to help with anxiety. I just picked up my renewed prescription today. They are just as addictive as opioid, but you would have to take them by the hundreds to get a fatal dose, so your doctor may be open to having you try them. They are an amazing help for me. Best of luck!
Actually, I think it would take a lot less than that to be fatal. But it also depends on the dose and what else you may or may not take with them.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#12
I know. It’s like there are two thought processes in my head. The logical one which tells me I don’t need to do this and is fully aware of the dangers and downhill slope and the other that just simply needs to do something to get back at I don’t know what. It’s like I’m trying to fight and attack an invisible enemy and I have no control. I think perhaps a discussion with my gp but if I do he’ll never prescribe them again and then I will be stuck if he doesn’t have an alternative.
Yeah, I can almost guarantee you that he'll never give you anything narcotic again if you say that, including benzos. So I wouldn't quite go that route if you're not prepared for that happening.
 
#13
I don’t know if it’s just my gp but I always get the feeling that he doesn’t care. I know that at the moment they are under a lot of additional pressure but he seems to send me on a referral circuit after I’ve had a bad episode. I’ve had a couple of occasions in the last two months when I’ve had an ambulance called during the night. I didn’t call for them myself but I told someone I’d taken too many tablets and they panicked. I knew I was ok as I’d done it before so it was slightly awkward when first the police knocked on the door at 2.30 at night followed by an ambulance pulling up. I declined going to hospital and by some miracle avoided anyone else in the house waking up. So no one else at home knows this happened, twice! The gp however is aware. He referred me to the emergency crisis team who ring to check I’m still alive, who in turn refer me to the community team who assess and refer me straight back to the gp. They write a letter to the gp telling him that I’ve said I overdose on pain meds which I assume he doesn’t read. Because he seems happy enough to prescribe them for me a couple of weeks later. I do have degenerated discs in my back so the need is genuine as pain relief and he seems happy to go with it.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#14
I don’t know if it’s just my gp but I always get the feeling that he doesn’t care. I know that at the moment they are under a lot of additional pressure but he seems to send me on a referral circuit after I’ve had a bad episode. I’ve had a couple of occasions in the last two months when I’ve had an ambulance called during the night. I didn’t call for them myself but I told someone I’d taken too many tablets and they panicked. I knew I was ok as I’d done it before so it was slightly awkward when first the police knocked on the door at 2.30 at night followed by an ambulance pulling up. I declined going to hospital and by some miracle avoided anyone else in the house waking up. So no one else at home knows this happened, twice! The gp however is aware. He referred me to the emergency crisis team who ring to check I’m still alive, who in turn refer me to the community team who assess and refer me straight back to the gp. They write a letter to the gp telling him that I’ve said I overdose on pain meds which I assume he doesn’t read. Because he seems happy enough to prescribe them for me a couple of weeks later. I do have degenerated discs in my back so the need is genuine as pain relief and he seems happy to go with it.
He may not have gotten the message maybe. Because if he did, I highly doubt he'd risk his medical license giving you more. You're right that that's all they seemingly care about, covering their asses. So I still wouldn't push my luck by telling him these things directly...unless like I said, you're prepared to possibly stop getting them prescribed.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#15
Hey there, I am also a sufferer of pretty intense anxiety. Things that I do when I feel anxious are listen to music/throw on Netflix/listen to a guided meditation on youtube/have a warm bath/try mindfulness/exercise, it doesn't take away the anxiety but it sometimes takes that edge off.

I understand you feel the painkillers are helping but they might be doing some physical damage so you gotta be careful there.

What kind of therapies if any have you tried?

I'm concerned that the police and paramedics were called. That is obviously good for you as you needed it at the time but its time to try and fight it with all you have left in you. I think you should be honest with your GP and ask them if they can recommend something new? Benzodiazepines are quite good, I'm on them but as you probably already know, highly addictive.

Please keep us updated okay and btw I get those tummy knots too, pounding heart, its a horrible, evil feeling.

I hope you feel a bit better today and find some way to enjoy the weekend :)
 
#16
Hey there, I am also a sufferer of pretty intense anxiety. Things that I do when I feel anxious are listen to music/throw on Netflix/listen to a guided meditation on youtube/have a warm bath/try mindfulness/exercise, it doesn't take away the anxiety but it sometimes takes that edge off.

I understand you feel the painkillers are helping but they might be doing some physical damage so you gotta be careful there.

What kind of therapies if any have you tried?

I'm concerned that the police and paramedics were called. That is obviously good for you as you needed it at the time but its time to try and fight it with all you have left in you. I think you should be honest with your GP and ask them if they can recommend something new? Benzodiazepines are quite good, I'm on them but as you probably already know, highly addictive.

Please keep us updated okay and btw I get those tummy knots too, pounding heart, its a horrible, evil feeling.

I hope you feel a bit better today and find some way to enjoy the weekend :)
Thank you BlackOpium for taking the time to reply and I hope today has been kind to you. I think coming on to this forum is my way of perhaps acknowledging that something needs to change before it gets any more out of control than it already has. I try very hard when I start the day to not allow things to get to me but there are not many days when something is not thrown my way that triggers my anxiety and spiral into depression. I’m constantly on high alert waiting for the next crisis or problem that I need to deal with. The phone can’t ring or a text come in, a knock on the door, without my heart racing and asking if everything is alright. This is learned behaviour after a series of family events from my teenage daughter having a stroke to my parents being burgled by men who held them up with knives and what feels like everything inbetween.

There are times when the thought that the painkillers might be doing harm is exactly what I’m hoping for. If I’m able to make myself physically ill then I might have an excuse to be able to escape for a while. People are so much more understanding of physical Illness and the need to just get some time off is very appealing.

I have had a short course of cbt last summer which wasn’t particularly helpful and a few counselling sessions before they stopped because of lockdown. But both these were before the medication abuse really took hold.

Yesterday the abuse of medication was probably at its highest ever. Today has most definitely not been without its stress on more than one front but at the time of writing this I have not yet caved and taken anything I shouldn’t. I have needed to be strong to support others around me. Although neither have I had the opportunity to get away and escape for some alone time which is something I desperately need. Tonight will be the crunch time when I get the opportunity to release and let go. But being able to write homestly on here with no reprocussions is comforting. Take care.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#17
Hey there,

People are so much more understanding of physical Illness and the need to just get some time off is very appealing.
I agree with this. Mental illness IS the equivalent of a physical illness in my opinion and should be treated as such but unfortunately its invisible so many just suffer in silence, I think in a few more years it will be better than it is understood today just like its a good bit better than it was a decade ago.

Yesterday the abuse of medication was probably at its highest ever.
Sorry to hear the anxiety made you feel that bad but you are here and you are still fighting it. I know its hard, I truly do. My main issue is anxiety. Have you tried any of the herbal remedies? @may71 is our genius on that who could set you on the right path there.

Tonight will be the crunch time when I get the opportunity to release and let go. But being able to write homestly on here with no reprocussions is comforting.
I'm not too sure what you are holding back. You are allowed to speak of substance abuse but not methods/timelines and that sort of thing, have a quick look at the guidelines and you'll be more sure of what you can say here comfortably :)

Re: the stroke...

You poor thing :( Your teenage daughter having a stroke is just, unbelievably awful. You have to realise how strong you are, I'm sure you were there for her when she needed you and I bet you fought tooth and nail to make sure she was being looked after in the very best of care she needed. I can't even imagine it. Most people probably couldn't. May I ask how she is now?

*hug *hug
 
#18
Hey there,


I agree with this. Mental illness IS the equivalent of a physical illness in my opinion and should be treated as such but unfortunately its invisible so many just suffer in silence, I think in a few more years it will be better than it is understood today just like its a good bit better than it was a decade ago.


Sorry to hear the anxiety made you feel that bad but you are here and you are still fighting it. I know its hard, I truly do. My main issue is anxiety. Have you tried any of the herbal remedies? @may71 is our genius on that who could set you on the right path there.



I'm not too sure what you are holding back. You are allowed to speak of substance abuse but not methods/timelines and that sort of thing, have a quick look at the guidelines and you'll be more sure of what you can say here comfortably :)

Re: the stroke...

You poor thing :( Your teenage daughter having a stroke is just, unbelievably awful. You have to realise how strong you are, I'm sure you were there for her when she needed you and I bet you fought tooth and nail to make sure she was being looked after in the very best of care she needed. I can't even imagine it. Most people probably couldn't. May I ask how she is now?

*hug*hug
Hi
She’s been left with a lack of balance, which is very strange and difficult to describe. She copes remarkably well but has to concentrate extra hard when doing anything so she gets very tired. I hope in time she’s young enough for her brain to rewire itself but she lost a significant section of her brain because it was diagnosed very late and the damage was done. To be honest it still haunts me, the events of day and the subsequent days. It was touch and go for a while but lots of people go through far worse and I have to believe I’m lucky we didn’t loose her.

I haven’t tried herbal remedies but am open to giving them a go. Thank you for all your kind words and support, you are really helping to make a difference.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#19
Awwh, I bet you are her rock, her world. I do hope that she recovers more in time to come, I know you are talking about it here but is it too hard to talk about what happened to her for you in real life? May there be post traumatic stress within you from the stroke she suffered?

People can go through pretty much anything but the thing to remember is every single person copes and deals with things differently. I'm so glad you didn't lose her, now what I'd really love to hear is that she won't lose you? *hug You're a wonderful parent. She needs you. You need her so keep kicking, fighting, sweating crying and make it through.

Herbal remedies can be effective for a lot of people, some swear by valerian tea for midnight anxiety. There's also some great books and meditations for anxiety. Painkillers are like xanax, a quick fix to dull the emotions and then you are back to square one again except with withdrawal (making it even harder again).

I'm so glad talking here is helping you, keep talking, ok? :)
 
#20
Awwh, I bet you are her rock, her world. I do hope that she recovers more in time to come, I know you are talking about it here but is it too hard to talk about what happened to her for you in real life? May there be post traumatic stress within you from the stroke she suffered?

People can go through pretty much anything but the thing to remember is every single person copes and deals with things differently. I'm so glad you didn't lose her, now what I'd really love to hear is that she won't lose you? *hug You're a wonderful parent. She needs you. You need her so keep kicking, fighting, sweating crying and make it through.

Herbal remedies can be effective for a lot of people, some swear by valerian tea for midnight anxiety. There's also some great books and meditations for anxiety. Painkillers are like xanax, a quick fix to dull the emotions and then you are back to square one again except with withdrawal (making it even harder again).

I'm so glad talking here is helping you, keep talking, ok? :)
I do see it as a way of having something that I can have control over, in a world where I seem to have very little. Keeping the option open always provides me with an escape route and it’s an option I’ve kept for many months, there just in case. I would like to be able to say she wouldn’t lose me but I don’t know if I’m ready to fully give that up. My meds box is my security blanket and despite being asked on more than one occasion if I’d pass them over to someone I have never felt ready to do so. There are those occasions when all logic, all sense seems to disappear and the emotions just take over, all consuming like a wave and you see no way out, no other option.

Ive spent a lot of time making sure my daughter has all the support in place that she needs. I sat with her day and night, sleeping in the chair next to her bed all the time she was in hospital accept when she was in hdu and they wouldn’t let me stay. Then I slept in the car instead. But afterwards she needed a lot of support and even now she has a number of people she can turn to if she needs help or support with anything physical or emotional. In some ways we went through every step together. We sort of moved on together afterwards too because she was targeted by a youth worker and groomed. I guess she was vulnerable and I just didn’t see what was right in front of me, just didn’t see what he was doing until it was too late. I was trying to give her some independence to try to get her life back, some normality and he took advantage. We both still feel the emotional impact of this and spent many nights late into the night watching her cry. But she is now surrounded by people she can turn to. I made sure she had all the support both professional and friendship that she would be able to pull through and she is now finally in a better place. But while I was making sure she was ok I forgot to take care of me and I really didn’t notice the damage until it was too late.

It does feel like the worlds out to get you and I wish I knew what I’d done wrong in my previous life to deserve it. And when your head is in that place it’s hard to see any good. I like the thread on this forum about what made you smile today. I like seeing the positive when there is so much negative around all the time.

Tonight I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. The day has had many stresses which I won’t go into now but I’m going to try to sleep. Sleep without the aid of any medication. When you said, she needs me and I really need her too, makes me stop and think, so tonight I want to fight this.

Thank you for everything, you have no idea how much your messages mean to me.
 

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