[Highly Triggering!] In love with Kitten

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by LucySteiner, Jul 26, 2015.

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  1. LucySteiner

    LucySteiner New Member

    WARNING: This thread may be very triggering for drug addicts.

    Heya! I'm a new user on here and I don't know how to say it.. basically I joined to talk about my drug problems. I do indeed think I am addicted, but I'm somehow too confused by the world itself to judge that. Also a part of me doesn't want me to believe it.. and I always try to find excuses. I'm in love with many drugs.. but Ketamine is a special case. I don't take it often as it is pretty rare in the place I live.. but when I do.. I binge it. It wouldn't have been the first time I was high on Ket the whole day. Sometimes even longer. Aand I don't know.. I just love the feeling.. the dissociative state.. the wobbly walking.. hell once I even felt like the gravitation was suddenly lower. Everything is funnier.. and reality just seems much more.. beautiful. I've never taken it IV but who knows for how long that will go. Even though I am deeply in love with Ketamine.. I fear that it might destroy me along with the other drugs. I just need.. some advice.. I don't even know what kind of advice.. I don't want to stop.. but I don't want to become a "junkie", as people like to say.

    To those who want to know how it came to that:

    Coming from a problem home, having lived through years of violent bullying, a criminal past and a lot of false people.. my story of how I became an addict:

    Basically.. when I was 16.. I met a guy.. let's say he was called Max (not his real name) I found on Facebook and he was pretty open about his drug consumption.. and I just said I wanted to try out weed once. It was a huge step forward in my life as it helped me to recover from alcohol addiction I had for 2 years (started at 14). Though my first experience was a bit too harsh and I said I'd never smoke weed again.. my curiosity got the better of me. I met another guy (let's name him Mark) over Facebook (who is now my main dealer) and bought weed for myself the first time. We kind of started to go out (especially on Psytrance Parties) and became pretty much best friends. There is hardly any weekend I didn't do something with these people. Even though we seem like a group of problem-teens.. we somehow really care for eachother. And as I went to my first psytrance party the guy I smoked weed the first time with asked me if I wanted to try Ecstasy. I wasn't really sure.. but I then said yes and tried the other half of his Pill. It felt amazing. I always used to be the shy type on parties and when going out.. but on Ecstasy it was as if the fears of this world were just gone.. I started dancing and I couldn't stop. It felt so good to move! I can't say I ever felt happier in my whole entire life. And having loved the experience.. I went to another psytrance party next day with the 2nd guy. This time, instead of ecstasy, we had crystaline MDMA. Also we wanted to try out Changa.. but I kind of forgot it at home (didn't work anyways when I tried it alone). I had at least 700mg of MDMA for one evening.. and then my friend asked me if I wanted some LSD. Since I ALWAYS wanted to try out something psychedelic for spiritual experiences and insight.. so I didn't say no. But it soon turned into a horror trip where my friend's hoodie wanted to eat me... and people.. people looked pretty.. damn creppy. Like.. I can't describe it.. they just looked different.. and creepier. Though, due to having suffered chronic sleep paralysis and chronic nightmares, I kind of laughed about it. So basically in less than half a year I started with 3 new drugs (Weed, Ecstasy/MDMA, LSD).. two of them in just 2 days.

    So that's how I got into the "drug-scene". On more and more occassions me and my friends tried out new drugs. I've had a lot of it.. Weed, Spice, MDMA, Ecstasy, LSD, Shrooms, Bath Salts, Ketamine, 2C-?, Codeine, various Antidepressants, Speed, Cocaine and Heroin. At first I just took harder drugs than weed for like.. 2 times a month. I didn't even have the money for more. But as me and Mark discovered how the Deep-Web works we could buy them very cheaply. He suddenly started dealing and earned a lot of money from it. So much that he literally gave us so many drugs for free.. so many that we had a routine of being stoned and high on MDMA the whole weekend every weekend. Often combined with shrooms or acid. Actually I was against going this far.. but after my best friends left me becuase they thought I had a drug problem (I didn't back then).. actually all of the people who used to hang out a lot with me distanced themselves. 90% of my friends are now other drug-enthusiasts. I then got to know a girl over Facebook who used to be a huge drug addict at that time. Especially Ketamine. She introduced me to the drug. She was a dealer too. As we met.. she bought a lot of stuff for the night.. and that was in Switzerland. I wanted to see if the rumours were true about Switzerland having the best quality drugs. To be honest.. I have to say that I didn't have better stuff in my life, ever. Almost pure Amphetamines, 98% pure MDMA capsules, Switzerland Weed, 275µg Maya LSD Trips and very pure Ketamine. Under the influence of so much shit I kind of didn't even notice the effect of ketamine.. all I know is that me and this girl had sex on that night. I don't know.. I was overwhelmed by her touching me and under the influence of the drugs.. it felt too good.. I gave in to my lust. Funnily I discovered that I preffer girls over boys that way...

    I wanted to keep away from Ket due to the unpleasant result of our.. temptations. It kind of broke apart our friendship as she fell in love with me but I didn't feel the same.. I was just on drugs. However I did try it again.. this time only in combination with weed. It was probably the most intense experience in my life. It was a feeling I can't describe.. a feeling of inner satisfaction. I felt like a melting ice-block on a hot summer day. It was a 100mg line for everyone. I felt numb.. as if I would just be controlling my body remotely. The movements felt.. strange and looked strange too. The basic wobbly walking. We watched some movies and series.. laughed a lot and had a great day. After 1 hour of sleep (we didn't sleep the whole night before due to partying) we snorted a line of speed and went to the next party. Today in the morning after another party, I had.. a kind of mental breakdown. People kind of judged me since I kind of couldn't handle sleep deprival and heavy drug consumption. I couldn't even stand straight for long. And my friend (Let's call him Lio) suddenly started talking shit to me.. he told me that I looked scary.. that I scared people.. that it is sad to see what these things do with me (while not being better than me at all.. hell he is even more of an addict than me.. he would go far just for another high.. FUCKING IDIOT).. that I just can't behave.. and all that shit. I swear to god if it wasn't a psytrance party he would be missing a few teeth for the things he said. That was the breaking point of me.. not again will people leave me.. not again will they tell me I have a problem when I don't... these were my kinda thoughts on it.

    I've fallen into a hole I can't get out.. and I am lost and don't know what to do. I could control it all at the beginning.. but as my best friends left me I started to fall.. more and more left.. I fell deeper and deeper. That was the point I thought I had control.. but I really lost it after that. And today is probably the first day I admit that I could be an addict. Hell.. I am.. I can't stop anymore. I can't even imagine life without drugs anymore.

    All I wanted was to lead a better life.. all I wanted was some love.. but instead I signed a contract with the devil.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2015
  2. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    I lost everything through drug abuse, I pissed everyone off around me and swore blind I was in control. I wasn't obviously. I did the only thing that I thought would clean me up, I moved away, Dumped anyone who would likely put me in a position to find drugs and found myself something else to do. Unfortunately for me it was too late and the damage had been done. Drugs will mess you up, If you want to talk about this I'm here.

    "All I wanted was to lead a better life.. all I wanted was some love.. but instead I signed a contract with the devil"

    Totally get that!
  3. LucySteiner

    LucySteiner New Member

    The thing is.. I somehow.. don't really want to stop. That's the worst thing about it. I know it's starting to tear apart my life.. and yet I still can't get myself to even get help. And hell.. the best thing about it: No one really cares. Those who did, reacted in a rather offensive way and just left me alone. But no one really tried helping me. And I am too afraid to seek help by myself..

    Also I don't want to distance myself from the ones I love.. they are my best friends. The only people I can trust in, without being backstabbed. The only ones who understand me. I can't leave them. I just can't. I'd probably commit suicide if I was alone again.
  4. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    You have to want to stop, Too afraid to seek help and yet you are here? I wasn't happy until I had truly lost everything either, I'm afraid you're only real option then is to control what you put into your system. I just don't need drugs anymore but I wanted to stop. No one can help you if you don't want it. Good luck to you Lucy :)
  5. LucySteiner

    LucySteiner New Member

    Well the difference is that in here I am pretty much anonymous. So I can seek help here. But I coldn't talk to a professional about it. Or anyone in person.

    I am trying to control it but it got out of control. That's the thing. :I
  6. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    In my opinion and in my experience the only way to control it is to stop! Then and only then can you control what is going into your body. From a clean slate as it were, You might fall off a few times and go back to it just like I did but you won't control anything whilst you're still caning it. That makes no sense. You need to show yourself some self control and determination and at least give it a go, For your own sake and others around you who have to watch you screw it all up. I prefer life sober/ish and straight now, I'm a much sharper tool for it. I was never really into partying though, Dancing just bores the shit out of me and I never really felt comfortable in that environment. I'm in the position now that if I want to go out and get wasted I can and not need to do it again ever if I felt like it...
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