If you are reading this then the pain has become so excruciatingly unbearable, that everyday i have become beset with worry and anxiety thrust upon me by lesser peoples. I have been constantly forced to assess myself and my many flaws. To feel alienated from society, from family, from the world. I have had many years to feel like this. To look at myself, to see myself decay and grow old. Many years to see loving eyes turn to disgusted ones. Many years to see my dreams fade, my hopes vanish, my vitality leave me. I guess if you focus on even the smallest of things for long enough, they become so large that it can fill your entire world. I have committed no crime, yet i'm treated like a criminal. I pose no threat to the wellfare or well-being of my household. Crimes have been committed against me yet i seek no retribution. Dark, malicious, sadistic crimes of which the perpertrator and his accomplices will continue to deny. Only his own admission can go any way to repairing this, but he would rather see me die. You see,.. i'm not here by will, i did not choose this life. I am not excusing myself, as i said before my flaws are many? Failure to acknowledge my environment as a contributing factor is ignorance. As ignorant as believing good crop doesn't grow out of fertile ground. I am Hikkikimori, 2nd generation from an old world steeped in heretical superstitions and beliefs. My 1st cousin ran away to marry. When they discovered she bore the child of another race they viscously beat her husband. Her brother (heroine addict) pushed her down the stairs in an attempt to kill her unborn child. Then they banished her forever, none of our family was present at her wedding. She now has two beautifull children despite both having disabilities. How i mourn for her, my cousin who i love so dearly. I was born here in this glorious country. I went to a wonderful grammar school and learnt the best of what i am. About civility, respect and honour. They somehow resented this and gave me their own brand of discipline. But i wouldn't call it discipline, more like an exercise in humiliation, a stripping of pride, a creation of fear, of dependance. Ofcourse i didn't know that then because a fathers law stands above all others, so say the heretics. Now they seek to oust me, to label me as insane so they can cleanse their hands of me. They use the law, i am under his roof, i am outnumbered and helpless. He hides behind the sharade of a concerned father. I cannot match this level of deception, i cannot win this battle. Thankyou for listening, it has considerably helped me being able to pour out some of my emotion somewhere, and that maybe somewhere someone will feel my plight.