History repeating itself. Different outcome...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Auerbach, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    When I was in middle school I got bullied pretty badly. It was awful. Even the girls would make fun of me. I didn't have any friends and no one liked me. People would insult me and make fun of me every day. I felt alone, like an outcast, and it was not in my head, I really was alone, and it would follow me.

    As a grown man now I still feel like that kid in 7th grade, mentally and emotionally, nothing has changed. I feel like I am still being bullied and ostracized. Everyone has something against me, no one likes me, they want to shun me and isolate me. Why? I never did anything to them. I am tired of being rejected, being shunned, being hated, being disliked. I am inferior, I am lower than shit. I did nothing to you. Why do you hate me? Why do you want to throw me overboard? Want to wipe me out of existence. Why do you want to make sure everyone else hates me as well? Why is everyone against me? I did nothing to get treated like this in middle school and I did nothing to be treated like this as an adult.

    This is why for the rest of my teenage years and into adulthood I was severely quiet, never said a word in school or at work. I was too scared to talk, to bring attention to myself. Because I worried that I would get treated the same way I did in middle school. So the answer was to become a mute and stay in my shell for protection. Now just as I am coming out of my shell these past few years, I've been talking, socializing, expressing myself, losing my fear of speaking. I’ve become more secure of myself, more confident, self-assured, and seeing the positives about me. And you know what happens? My biggest fear came true, they are treating me the way I was treated in middle school, all because I decided to lose my fear and come out of my shell and this is what I get. Why! Why!!

    Naturally I defend myself, have been doing so for many years, but it is a very primitive form of self-defense and is just as destructive as the abuse itself. My body is full of scars now. The cutting is getting old, it is not enough. I don’t know what could possibly meet all the rage and balance it out. I was addicted to weed for a while, that stopped when I ran out of money. I won’t touch alcohol because I’ll go crazy. Both my suicide attempts have happened while I was drunk and depressed/angry. But I do wish I was dead. I just stay alive because I don’t want to hurt my mother. I don’t know what else there is to do. Therapy has not scratched the surface, the meds I am on are obviously not helping. I am wasting time, buying time, to my death. I solely exist right now. I don’t live. I give up on everything, but there is still more to give up on, a lot more, and I am giving it all up little by little, the final “give up” is death.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The only way i stay alive is to not let the ones that abuse me win If i die they win I am sorry people harm you so with their words and actions those people you have to try to ignore them ok They are not worth all the pain you bring to yourself You keep talking you keep being heard ok don't let anyone push you down let alone keep you down. Use the anger inside to give you strength to keep being the person you are keep talking ok keep being social don't let the ignorant ones win
  3. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks total *hug*
  4. zebedee72

    zebedee72 Member

    I know exactly what it feels like to be bullied - the kids at school drove me to a breakdown and physcologically I'll be paying for that for the rest of my life. I knew and accepted that many years ago. That was the first part of healing for me. It'll never go away and I know that, but you learn to deal and dare I say, 'work' with it.
  5. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the feedback zeb
  6. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    social anxiety post traumatic or longer diagnosis, you do right by talking here or anywhere irl there ll be ppl who get-- i relate to beatings and bullyings at school and more
    pls believe in your own goals , dreams
  7. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks scary.
  8. shania

    shania Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you've been ostracized and shunned - you don't deserve that. Anyone who feels the need to treat you that way is shallow and it is likely a reflection on them and how they feel about themselves. People who are confident in who they are don't feel a need to put down others. You're not inferior or lower than anyone no matter how they treat you.

    Do you have people in your life who are kind and accepting and are there for you?

    Like Total Eclipse said, keep talking... we will listen :)
  9. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    No I don't

    I do it because everyone sees me as a piece of shit, a worthless, hideous loser. And I must be since everyone agrees on it. I want to to make myself look on the outside as I feel in the inside.