I think I've had an entire life of 'fugue-state'- I have lived in at least 8 countries, traveled to at least 10 more and am happiest on the road with nothing but dust behind me. But suddenly realized I was too old and broke to do it any more. I used to be a journalist, later a teacher/adjunct professor. But the bottom fell out of everything. My husband died (he was very ill) and a year later I lost my job. One year after that Covid, and I can't cope with online teaching- I'm adhd and hopeless with numbers and tech. Now I simply don't know what to do with myself as realized that outside of work I have nothing to sustain me, and basically nothing to do. Nothing interests me any more. Every day now, because I am living with a relative on sufferance, I try to fake it through the day and pretend to be busy but I'm only making up things to do that don't really need to be done. Tg no substance tendencies except go outside to smoke just to be doing something, and having to hide that too.
I think partly it was escape from a very unhappy background in the US, and going places where nobody knew me and I could 'start again' over and over. I have what one psychologist called major existential issues- I have no 'reality' of my own and found reasons to go forward into the new and exotic, always in the hope of finding belonging and stability. And I did okay in some places, temporarily. But now that has evaporated. I am just staring at a blank.