This isn't the first time I've suffered these feelings, and certainly isn't the first time I've seriously contemplated suicide, but I feel like the time for thinking and planning is over, the time for actually doing it is now. I really don't have nothing to live for, I live an empty and sad life, no big hobbies, I've distanced myself from all my friends, my family is a mess so I don't even speak to them anymore, I have nothing that I love or care about. Really, I'm just a shell of a human. The one and only thing that's holding me back from killing myself right here and now is that I'm still thinking about which method is the best method, since I am a perfectionist with OCD, and I am seriously scared of failing. You see, my only choices that are readily available to me are: <mod edit: *sparkle* : methods> , but there's always at least one other person in the house so it's kind of hard to do it without getting caught. <mod edit>: I gotta go find a good place to do it, and some good <mod edit *sparkle*: methods>. Pills: I have lots of bottles of pills that I could down, but I'm not a chemist so I don't know whether it will actually kill me, or just cause me massive amounts of pain and I end up living with one kidney. <mod edit: *sparkle*: methods>: I live near L.A, so I could do this as well, but the problem is finding a <mod edit>and another problem will be whether I would live through it or not, I don't want to end up crippled for the rest of my living life. So you see my options? I'm old enough to buy a <mod edit>but I'm too poor to actually afford one. But the problem is when I do start thinking about it, I realize how much of a hassle it is to kill yourself, I'm such and OCD freak I can't even kill myself without worrying about every single detail and planning it perfectly. I want to just die on the spot, to dissapear right now, but no I got to go through an intensive procedure to kill myself. Now here I'll be serious. The way I'm living right now is not even living. I'm in a constant state of despair and suffering. Every night I go to sleep depressed and sad, and every day I actually have to force myself to be active and go through the day. I'm forcing myself to wake up, I'm forcing myself to live. You shouldn't struggle to live, no one has to go through the day like it's some sort of challenge or torture. Even if I try to reach for help, I can't, my insurance got changed so I don't have a psychologist anymore, and it doesn't cover psychologists or psychiatrists so now it'll be hard to get another. I want to die, more than anything. I just wish there was a simple way to do it.