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Hitting myself

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by lelantgirl, May 21, 2013.

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  1. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I have got so low, desperate and empty I have began just today hitting myself, cos I a just worthless scum.
    I dont like hitting myself, but feel have to do it, is this common?
    I keep thinking better for someone else to hit me instead, someone who cares about me not some random person, cos its what I deserve.
    I think have lost all support in my life now and coping is even harder without my best friend who up till last few days was a good support to me, not sure why he has stopped.

    I cant exist anymore and scares me I am hitting myself, more scary than when have self harmed in other ways.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not worthless scum. Someone who cared would never hit you. Cn you tell us how you feel when you do it?
  3. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I have done this too.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    You aren't worthless scum, or anything bad :hug: I hurt myself too because I feel that I deserve it, whether or not I actually want to. Sometimes I just feel compelled to, so I know how that feels.
  5. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    It makes me so sad when I hit myself, the moment am doing it feel its all I deserve to be hit (thats why think someone who loves me should be doing it, cos be more like punishment then for me) after I hate myself and cant stop crying.
    I have to disagree, about someone who loved you wouldn't hit you, why not? Parents love their children but spank them as punishment, for their own good they say, they dont spank cos they hate them but because they love them and dont like them doing bad or wrong things.
    So my way of thinking it has to be someone close to me for it to work, not some random person who would hit me and would just be violence then.................maybe it makes no sense, but to me it does.
    There is fine line between love and hate, gentleness and pain.

    My face is sore this morning, cant stop crying cos dont want to hit myself, but dont know what to do.
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel you deserve this pain?
    When a parent does so, they do it because children act out, and that is one way to teach them about the consequences of bad behaviour.
    Perhaps what you want is someone to care enough about you that they would take that step to help you?
    Can you try other things like writing lines or something to fulfill that feeling?
  7. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    You are right windlepoons, I wish had someone who loved/cared about me enough to punish me, may sound crazy but feel need all my badness beaten out of me and dont want random person doing it but someone who loves me and doing it to help me...............but there is noone.
    I am a writer but I'm very unwell (i have alot of health problems) and at moment find concentrating hard, but have in past done similar written down about being punished etc and being hurt, helps at time but often felt made me crave it evennmore.

    I deserve the pain cos feel I am evil and bad, although sensibly I know I'm not, I'm a vegan, animal/human rights advocate, would never harm anyone or any living thing, but cos been hurt so much in life by others, abuse, rape, let down and also cos i feel responisble for mums cancer and her dying.
    I dont like hitting myself, but wouldn't be so bad if someone else did it for my own good.
    I dont really agree with spanking children, but think I deserve that pain, strange isn't it and in all sensibility I haven't actually done anything wrong or bad, just been badly hurt and screwed up over the years.
    Thanks for replies any further help be appreciated.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Perhaps a lot of feelings are becoming entangled, such as a need for someone who would do fairly extreme things for you, such as hurt you, and a need to satisfy your feelings of low self esteem and your need to 'pay'?
    It seems to me that a history of rape and abuse often leads to these feelings.

    Perhaps you should write about a character with a similar history to you? Let the character develop to understand that her perception of herself does not match the reality of someone who obviously cares a lot about other living things, but is coloured by what her past.

    I know what you mean about struggling to concentrate, I feel like that a lot. My mind does not want to go where I want it to go, sometimes.

    Feel free to PM me if you need to.
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