hitting rock bottom AGAIN

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kitten_dangereuse, Oct 12, 2006.

  1. kitten_dangereuse

    kitten_dangereuse New Member

    Ever since I can remember I have wanted to die. A good day for me is one where I don't once think about how the whole world would be better off if I had the courage to just end it. From the age of four or so I have felt this terrible guilt about being a thoroughly useless person wasting space, not worthy of the privileges I do have and fully deserving the bad treatment and ill fortune I have received. Part of this is clinical depression, inherited from my wonderful family, part of it is my own innate impossibly high standards, and part of it is the emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of my mother as a result of her own self esteem and depression problems. I have attempted suicide twice and no one even noticed. I couldn't go through with it in the end because I was afraid of the pain, and now I hate myself for being a coward, for trying to go to such dramatic lengths for my problems to be noticed. The problem is I am a very smart, capable, self-reliant person, so if I try to talk about my daily struggle for survival with anyone, even my closest friends, they completely dismiss me and do not listen. I am so good at pretending to be fine and happy that when I am crying out for help no one is there for me. And what's more, every time I think someone is being supportive they stab me in the back with it later. They use my emotional vulnerability to have control and power over me. As a result I cannot trust ANYONE. Even though I have plenty of friends who are close, I am so incredibly lonely and I am so terrified that I have to deal with this by myself, and also ashamed that I am failing to do so. My mother tells me that I am unlovable, and I know that that is unreasonable and cruel, but I still believe her. No one has or will ever love me, and everyone I have ever loved has broken my heart so badly I'm not sure I can love anyone again. They use my overwhelming desire to please and to be needed by someone, anyone, to benefit themselves, and I am left alone again, hating myself and feeling like a coward for not just doing everyone a favor and going through with suicide. I have literally nothing to look forward to in my life. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I don't think I have ever been truly happy, nor will I ever be. I just don't understand why I can't take any pride in myself, and why no other person on this planet loves or appreciates me in any way, shape or form. I don't know what's wrong: I am very smart, I am a talented painter and musician, I am not completely unattractive, I am a generous friend, and everyone comments on how great it is that I am always so cheerful. If only they knew it is all an act, this facade of cheerful equanimity, when really on the inside I am literally dying. To top it all off I am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and survivor guilt from having directly experienced both 9/11 in New York and hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. This means that I rarely sleep or eat, I feel terrible terrible guilt all the time, and I feel like I should have been the one to die because I am unworthy of survival. There is no one I can talk to about this, no one ever understands the depth of the horror I feel in my soul about these events. I have nightmares almost every night. And I am so angry with myself that I can't just deal with these problems. I don't know what to do. I will think I am doing fine for a while, and then everything will go to pieces because I can't hold together the lie anymore. I apologize for ranting but I really needed to get all this out there, because there is absolutely no one I can talk to about this.