Hello there people. Thanks for listening. On October 18th I had an unprotected sexual encounter with a stranger. I was convinced I was infected with hiv from that encounter. I tried to commit suicide twice because I couldn't stand the thoughts of being infected. With therapy and medication, I managed to bounce back a little and I actually got back some of the joy of studying. I was getting my hope back again. I was getting more and more productive and I was actually expecting to be successful in all the subjects. I was wrong: out of five subjects, I failed at two. It is not the end of the world, but I never experienced failure like this before. I feel extremely weak and powerless for the time being, I don't feel necessarily depressed, but I surely feel some self hatred and frustration. I wasted a lot of time and effort worrying about Hiv, now I feel stupid for doing that. I'm at risk of losing my scholarship for a stupid mistake and my inability of focusing on what mattered the most: my future with or without HIV. I just needed to vent, there are some times when I feel like some kind of monster. I hope better times come.