Hiya all Long Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by omghellyeah2003, Aug 20, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Well I thought things were getting better but I guess good things never do last. Since my last visit. I have moved and we bought a house. Well that sounds all good and dandy but my husband does nothing but blame me for bills, debt, the location of the house, and his job. Nothing has been happy for a long long time. I can not go on with it. If I had no feelings or opinions then everything would be fine. He tells me all the time how I am nuts and what all is wrong with me. So when he does tell me that he loves me , they are just words that mean nothing. I believe that if he had the strength to leave he would have been long gone. But instead he has destroyed what little bit I had left. He knows how close I am to the edge and he is trying to push me over. Wouldnt that make his life better. I live in a house of strangers. In a house full of people I am alone. I sleep with a stranger every night. Things just continue to get worse. I can feel it destoying my insides. I ask for help but I am ignored. I am so full of hate that I have no idea what it feels to love anymore. Everyone thinks that I stopped my cutting but I just got better at hiding it. And obviously if he cared he would know. I get angry at his daughter because she acts like I am nothing, but what he doesnt understand is when no one was there for her I was. I never once shrugged my responsibility for her off on someone else. So I wonder why it hurts. I talk and I talk and no one can hear me. I feel like I am invisible. I have tried so hard to be better to be normal, but atlast that will never happen. I am confused and scared. I am 31 and my life is half over. But I have had my fill of pain. I am angry very very angry that I am the one thing that I can not fix. I can not even look myself in the mirror anymore. And for them not to notice....I'm not that good at hiding. They have quit on my a hell of alot sooner then I ever gave up on them. And that is what hurts the worst.:sad:
    I am totally drained with nothing else to give...but yet I can not get over the quilt of failing.
     
  2. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Perhaps it's time for a visit to the marriage counselor, either alone, or if you can, with your husband. Why do you think he's like this? Was this only since you guys moved? As for his daughter, though I can't speak from experience, I think it's best to be strong and persistent with your positive gestures. In time, she'll likely turn a new leaf towards you.
     
  3. Well I have always known that he was a bit jealous and had a somewhat of a mean streak. But as for the other stuff that is definatly all new. I have mentioned marriage counselling before and it was a no-no! He doesnt like to talk about our problems to anyone else. Hell if he knew I was on here he would shit a brick. I know I love him I just dont know why anymore. Seems like anymore I have alot of whys without any answers. As for his daughter I do love her more then life and I would gladly give my life to stop her from ever felling pain. But I know how close I am to the breaking point, so I made the only decision that I felt that I could. I told her that I loved her but I could not have her in my life anymore. I had to do this to save myself. Or atleast I thought. My pain seems worse now, so I really dont know what to do. I went to the doctors recently and was told that I should be admitted to the physic ward because he deemed me a threat to myself or someone else. I had to laugh because I have never been a threat to anyone else, so I dont have to worry about that I have too much love for everything else. It is me that I have no love for. But then again no one can hurt me like I hurt myself. I have perfected the art of causing pain to myself I guess. But like I told the doc. If or when I decide to do it.....there is no one that can save me but me. So hospitalizing me and taking me from my children wouldnt do any good. Because I have long since given up on me. And I don't believe that there is any fixing to that because I have lost sight of who I used to be and what I was meant to become.
     
  4. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    You've raised your concerns with him, right? Does he give a reason why he's acting this way? If the idea of counseling doesn't float with him, maybe going alone would be a good idea. It's not likely that he doesn't want to solve this problem, but perhaps because he's unwilling to get outside help.
     
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    If you want to save the marriage then you need some sort of help.
    You need to do whats best for you since it sounds like you have no support what so ever.
     
  6. He refuses to admit that there is a problem. And yeah I mention it all the time. But it does no good. I believe he knows what he is doing to me but really doesn't care. I have tried and tried to understand. I mean I really have tried to walk in his shoes. But I could never do what he does. I could never make anyone feel insignificant. I feel like he is standing over me with a huge eraser. The thing is when u erase a drawing u never trace the same lines again, ever. You change the picture. And I think that is what terrifies me the most. I do want to say thank you for listening and trying to understand. You will never know what it means to me.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Has he always been like this, even when you first got with him?
     
  8. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I think this is hurdle that's hindering any sort of progress; a lack of effective communication coming from him, and simply ignoring the issue. Please consider a marriage counselor, even if you need to go by yourself. He/she will have a better idea of what to do in this situation. Heavan knows that I haven't witnessed the best ways to deal with marriage problems. I wish you the best.
     
  9. Yeah I guess come too think about it he has always been this way......just seems that he is getting worse at it. I understand that he is very very stressed. But he is destroying the one thing that vowed to be there for life. ME! I don't even know if he would allow me to go to counselling myself. I may try to talk to him about it again today but I just get the feeling that I will get the same "Shut the F*uck up" that I usually get when I try to have a conversation with him. I am no where near perfect in my marriage, sometimes I am really hard to deal with but I always know and admit when I am wrong and I do what it takes to make it right. But it just seems like I am always on the losing end. And he isnt afraid of losing me because all my family lives far far away so he thinks that I have no where to go. So there is no need for him to fix anything wrong.
     
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    So now the picture I have is that:

    1) He's inconsiderate
    2) your not happy at all
    3) He's treating you in an in-human way
    4) he knows exactly what he's doing

    The list could go on for quite a while. Do you have children with him?
     
  11. Well towards me I guess the inconsideration is that it is easier to turn a blind eye rather than deal with a problem. I am not happy right now but I know that he is capable of making one of the happiest people on earth if he wanted too. I just don't think he cares to anymore. I mean I wish like hell that I could believe him when he tells me that he loves me but I don't. I haven't felt that way in a long long time. I guess I can just chalk this upto another failed marriage. I guess not trying is a hell of alot better feeling than failing anyday.:sad:
     
  12. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    We're all capable of many things. Whatever happens, try your best and if things still don't get back to normal then it may possibley be time to call it a day.

    Your trying to communicate with him and he's not having none of it. And one the foundations of a relationship is communication.
     
  13. I do thank you as my friends for listening and offering me ur advice. This seems like the only conversations that I have where I feel like I am heard. This website is the best by far that I have ever come acrossed, where open discussion isnt ended with judgement. It is great and I feel so much better being here. I will keep u guys updated with progress. I do seem to feel stronger talking this stuff through with u guys....Thank You
     
  14. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    No problem. Hope everything works out for you.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.