Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by letmedisappear, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    I need help, but I don't know what with.

    Hell, I need help with everything. I just don't know where to start.

    I've been looking into suicide, but I know I won't do it anytime soon. Nowadays I'm more passively suicidal. It's just nice to fantasize.

    I don't life is wonderful. Family is caring and friends are supportive. I have a boyfriend who loves me.

    I keep hearing someone whistle to me. I feel like death is calling. But that was just now.

    My grades aren't bad. I'm not incredibly stupid.

    We aren't poor, not wealthy. Just in the middle, I suppose. We're in New Jersey, so we're ok.

    School's in an hour and I still haven't done homework.

    I made my boyfriend upset because I can change my ways and stop complaining, but I don't.

    I make excuses. I am just utterly terrible.

    I can help myself.

    I don't.

    STOP WHISTLING. I want to change. But maybe I don't wholeheartedly. I can't tell.

    I'm just worried.

    I need help. I know that. I just don't know what for, and I don't know where to begin.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think you have made a good start by posting here. Lots of times when things get confusing it is a big help just to write down feelings. After you can decide what you are feeling it is easier to figure out where those feelings are coming from. You are welcome to complain or share upset feelings here and will always find people willing to listen- an extra place to just vent has its own benefits in many ways. Keep talking to us please.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu begin by one talking to your doctor who will decide if needed to refer you to someone who can help you think more clearly and get unstuck as to where you are
    Welcome to SF hun
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you could try asking yourself what it is that you want out of life?
  5. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    I think the worst part about this is that I've been through this before. I've posted on SF before. I've tried to get help. I try to change. I just... don't.

    And what I want out of life is just being content with myself and the life I'm living. But I can't be that way if people are telling me I'm doing things wrong, my life is wrong, my attitude is wrong. I need to change and change and change.

    Ugh, I don't know. I'm just a stupid teenager anyway.
  6. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Being a teenager doesn't make you stupid anymore than being an adult makes you smart. All that changes with age is experience (and aches and pains but that's a different story).

    Who is telling you that you're doing things wrong? That you need to change? Are they people that you admire and would seek to emulate? Are they legally responsible for you? At the end of the day, it's YOU that has to be happy with your life. As long as you're obeying the law and not harming anyone, what has it got to do with them?
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi LMD - good on you for posting where you're at right now, and I would ask along with Wispi why you feel you need to change, why you cannot accept the way you are? I think that these thoughts and feelings are an invitation to you to discover self-awareness, and that you will find that making the journey will show you that you are not "utterly terrible" at all - because, for one thing, if you were you would not have posted here asking for help! :)

    However, if you want, google "Changes that Heal" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend - it might be a good read for you honey :)
  8. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    I am harming people though. By staying up late, my parents/grandparents lose sleep and their health declines. By not doing homework, I am hurting my future and the chance to get a scholarship, which hurts my parents financially. By not attending school some days, my parents lose time and opportunity to work, and my teachers need to hunt me down to make up work. By not keeping up with responsibilities, I hurt those who depend on them. And by being suicidal, I hurt them emotionally. By not changing how I am, I hurt everyone. I hurt myself, my family, my friends, my peers, and my teachers.

    I do have options, but only one is reasonable. I can screw everyone over and continue as I am, commit to killing myself to rid them and myself of the problem long term, or I could change how I am now for the better. But... either I try and fail, or I just don't try. There's such little motivation in me, and I'm stubborn and rude and terrible and I just don't know what to do.

    Everyone is telling me I have to change. And if they aren't, then they think I'm on the path to change. Everyone sees that I can fix the shit I create, and it's embarrassing and stupid that I don't. I myself think I need to change, because besides suicide, it's the only way.

    I've been told that I need to want wholeheartedly to change if it's going to happen. And at times, I feel like I've been like that. But it doesn't last long. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's junior year for me, and according to basically everyone, this is the year that will decide the path of my entire future, so I can't screw up. Except, I already am screwing up.

    I just don't even know what to do anymore.
  9. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Ok, why do you stay up late, not do your homework and not attend school some days? If you can find the cause, then you'll have a better chance to changing the things that you choose to change. Does that make sense?
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Changes that Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud.

    I googled that after I posted it to you and he wrote it without the help of Dr. Townsend (they've written quite a few together)...... anyway, understanding why there is a need to change is the first step (that you already know) and reading this book will give you more of an idea and some help with your motivation.

    You could try telling yourself honey "It's not acceptable to be motivated like I am at the moment, because of what it's doing to other people. I have got it within me to look after myself better by going to bed at a reasonable time and for making an effort at school and treating people with respect. I am not a bad person, I just need to take myself in hand and doing it now will help my chances of a happy life." Tell your family/teachers you are wanting to change things around, and ask for their support and understanding for the times you find it difficult, and don't be afraid of asking for their help and tolerance as you do this honey. It will help to bring you closer together to achieve something wonderful :)