Hm.

[Chickpea]

I hope it is ok to just get my thoughts out here. :sad:

I had sort of planned to kill myself today. I circled the date on my calendar... but failure to get my "stuff" (and failure to motivate myself to clean my room, and guilt) has meant that it is postponed. I guess that is good in a way because tomorrow is the rubbish collection, so I can tidy and clear out any rubbish from my room.

I'm tired of the way I'm so pathetic, and inflicting all this torture on myself for no apparent reason. It is irrational. E.g. I've made myself throw up 9 times today, 9! And why? I don't know. I'm wrecking my throat, and my head hurts, and my chest feels tight from doing that too often... but I still do it. :dry: I don't feel in control of myself.

I just want to die now but I feel so ahamed and guilty for doing it. I failed to get what I wanted to use, so I've sort of picked a new method and going to collect a copy of a book about it from my library tomorrow. Hopefully this will all be over soonish. :cry:

 

[Heather]

I'm feeling the exact same way right now. I knkow I'm a hypocrit, but don't go through with it. There are people who love you and you're going to devastate those people.

 

[Chickpea]

Thank you for replying when you're feeling so low yourself, Heather :hug:

I know that it would hurt people if I died - parents, brother, and I do have a few friends. But the thing is with the 'state' I've got myself into I'm totally neglecting them, I'm so distant and cold. And I see no way of getting back to some kind of normality. I've tried loads of different counsellors and I still feel the same. And most of those therapists have been really wonderful people - so the problem is with me, not that I haven't had any help available.

Today I feel so ill. It is hard to tell if I'm actually ill though or if it is just caused by anxiety, or depression, or lack of sleep, or the fact I'm being ill so often.... I don't know. This feels like a "real" kind of illness, some kind of virus or something. But I'm meant to be going to uni today and I do want to go because I've missed too much of it already, but I'm ill, and I look like a fraud if I say that. But then in Monday's seminar I thought I was actually going to vomit in there. God.... am I sick in the body or in the head? Both probably. :dry: I'm so dumb.

 

[Nessarose]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm on meds and I have a psychiatrist, but that doesn't seem to be helping, so I can relate. I'm throwing up a lot, too, but I don't know where I'm getting the nausea.

Stay safe. :hug: I know it's so hard, and mentally and physically exhausting, but as people say, take it one day at a time. Things have a chance of getting better, and a lot of people would be devastated if anything happened to you.

Depression is a real illness, and it does feel like it, too. "Virus" was a good way to describe it...it does feel that way.