Hmm…

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lorax, Jan 2, 2015.

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  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    It's been a while, sub-forum. Not really sure how I feel.

    I hate "the struggle" working, bills, grind. Indiferent about all these people who gave up on/ used/ hurt me. Don't care about much, there's no enjoyment in doing things anymore.

    But it's not that I'm depressed. I just have to decide to be happy, bam! I'm happy. Sad? Angry? It's all the same. I spent so long learning to control my self, I feel uninterested in my emotions any more. So then where do I go?

    But there's always new things. Time to learn to love grinding my life away, and looking for some superficial meaning in it. Then I think, maybe dying is better? But I don't really feel like it is. Just easier.

    Then I would never know. Maybe my brains can do some good. Maybe I'll become a leader. Maybe I'll die young. I don't know. Maybe that's the fun part? Never knowing. Or maybe it's variety? Money? Power? I guess I'll know someday. Till then, it's time to grind.
     
  2. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    There goes my dog, last of my company. I feel strangely empty. I wonder if he's lonely? He was such a good dog.
     
  3. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    I don't know . There should be a purpose right? Did you lose your dog? Mine is the only thing keeping me on earth at the moment,
     
  4. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Yea, there should be. But today it feels like there isn't. I woke up happy. Then realized I was remembering something long past haha.

    Yea, he was pretty sick. I was saying the same thing. I don't know what to do. Days like this kind of suck.
     
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear about your dog. :) That's a hard loss but I'm sure he gave you lots of memories and good times together. Hopefully you can find motivation from his time here and be able to live and share the goodness you got from him with others.
     
  6. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    I think you're in the stage or period of complete apathy. Profound loneliness and pain leads us to that "stoicism", I go through that phase a lot too. Maybe it is all superficial, I don't think anyone truly knows.... but the majority think you have to create your own meaning in life and that is true to an extent, but no one can help with the card of fates that are laid out on the table for them. And with that said, you just wait for the dealer to hopefully serve you a good hand so you can have some purpose to continue playing. You keep getting bad hands and you eventually not care anymore and expect it. I really think it's all luck based and circumstantial whether someone finds meaning or not in their life.... there are things totally out of our control, which then in turn, affects our emotions and thoughts within.... which we have some control over.

    Sorry about your dog. I was crushed when my previous one died... I never even got to say goodbye to her! I hope you find meaning in your life one day.... I'm searching hard for it... but it's so stressful and painful.
     
  7. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Belt,

    Yea, he was a great pup. I could try to live by his model, but licking strangers, often leads to trouble.

    Dark,

    Could be. I'm familiar with it too, usually only after a big loss. I always "black out" parts of my life, when it comes on.

    Life is all about perspective. Except some things, like if you don't eat & feel drained. Or if you aren't meeting basic survival needs.

    I usually feel pretty good, but when everything feels like it's falling apart, I just go blank. It beats the alternative.

    Yea, me neither. My last pup was my baby, but she got Demoned away. Now my other pooch is gone.
    Family, friends. I have a kitty, but she lives outside.

    Yup, there's always something to look forward to.
     
  8. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Tried some anxiety med/ food. That's helped a lot. I suppose it is a stress issue.
     
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I have never had a dog. I am allergic to them and don't have the money to care for one. But I love them. I especially enjoy watching them romp on the beach. They really do have a lesson to teach us. They enjoy the simple things in life. Play, belly rubs, and a good beach to romp on. They don't make life overly complicated like we do. They just enjoy it. I wish I could be like that.

    So sorry about your loss Lorax.
     
  10. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Okay, this is my 3rd time trying to get my post up.

    Silly,

    Dogs do have a lot of energy. Even some of the ones a family member adopted, which were abused have become the sweetest creatures around. They just worry about playing, and making everyone happy. Funny enough, my instinct is to go play with dogs when I see them. But that might make me look weird if I don't know the owner. my puppy lived a pretty long life, and kept my dad going for his last few years. Then he helped the rest of us with the loss. He was so 'himself' when he went, it was hard to remember he was ever sick. But I know he was almost gone, and we owed it to him to let him go in peace.

    Update:
    I'm slightly better. Working a fair bit, and slowly recovering my emotional responses. My oldest & last friend and I no longer talk. I think it's for the best, they were tearing me down our whole lives. Sure we had good memories, and I can see why they were so 'unfiltered' and still respect them. But they were not the kind of person I need to be around. It's funny, I thought if I lost everything, I wouldn't have no reason to live. But it feels like loosing everything was what I needed to realize how strong I am. I'm still a long way from where I should be, and I have issues. But I feel like I can let my self try, and focus on making my self feel better. It's going to suck, and I don't like being so isolated. But I feel like there can be more to life, if I keep pushing my self to try everyday.
     
  11. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i remember replying to you way back. and people are stubborn in their emotions tho they want help too..
    this is what i believe is you. remember that each time you reach out is your hope subconsciously
    and remember good times without bitter. and remember progress even if you backtrack so you can progress again
     
  12. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Yea, I've been 'off the radar' with work, and being amazing.

    Not sure I want, or even know what type of help I need at this point. I'm doing what I can to keep going, but no one really does well in isolation for too long. You just kind of get used to it.

    Hope is good, but pretty scarce. I know I can be the best in any area, just not which one to focus on. Never planned on 'living' more on the other side.

    That's also a good plan. Far too many bad memories lately, but they do no good. I see that, but they keep creeping up. So long as I keep functioning it's progress though. I want to let go, but it's scary, like you are loosing everything you once shared/ had.
     
  13. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    "Yea, he was a great pup. I could try to live by his model, but licking strangers, often leads to trouble." Best thing I have read all year,Lol. Gave me a good chuckle when I was looking to be sad. Thanks.
     
  14. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    "All year"? Guess it's a good thing i'll be here all week!
     
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