hmm...not good i duno

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FBD, Jun 28, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    well im supposed to stop using this forum....but i cant its weird...but anyways...i think im just gunna write some stuff here and hopefully get advice and maybe figure stuff out...

    well in a bad place-ive been trying to hide it and im done hiding it for now...i promised brent id be open and honest about my stuff, and i duno i bugged him yesterday and i dont wanna be a bother to him, i dont wanna be a bother to you guys either, but you have a choice to read this, he didnt really

    anywho- i dont wanna make it til 21, its a little less than 2 weeks away, i dont wanna make it i want it all to end now. i hate my doctor, hes dumb, he doesnt understand that im not paying 50 bucks a month for a script, and unless he listens and understands that im not paying for it, i mean im already not really taking it cz i cant make myself pay that much for it and its leaving me on just zoloft, which is useless for me. it does pretty much nothing, i was on it last summer when i made an attempt and was hospitalized for a week and lost friends and so on. i dont wanna go back there, so i know if i do try it must be successful, actually, no it doesnt cz i live by myself, i will always live by myself because im worthless and noone will ever want to be around me that long to actually live with me. so noone would even notice if i was gone, at least not for a few days, i think thatll give me enough time to make sure it works if/when i decide that i wanna do it. i want to feel pain i want to suffer i want to know that im being punished for being a failure. the only thing that helps is pot, and i know thats illegal and blah blah blah, but its the 1 tinhng thatll keep me from actually doing anything and thats why i like it and why i use it. i mean i do like getting high, but it feels good to be able to make my brain stop and let the thoughts stop when i smoke. but i cant rely on it, esspecially since it is illegal and everything.

    ugh sorry this is so freaking long i duno i guess im sorry ive wasted your time if you actually read this, cause im pretty sure i didnt actually say anything...
  2. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    I know what it is like to have full blown depression at 21. But stay here and interact with the people because they may help you feel at home.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure i understand why you're supposed to stop using the forum - how did that come about?

    hiding it when you're in a bad place isn't a good idea hon - trust me, i've tried it and (unfortunately) still do it from time to time and in the end it never helps

    have you actually come out and told the doctor that you cannot afford the meds? some of the new meds have programs attached to lower the cost for up to a year - not sure if that applies here, because i don't know what you are supposed to take, but a program like that lowered the cost of my meds a lot

    separately, if this doctor is not listening and not really helping, i think you need a new doctor

    why do you feel like you're such a failure though? why do you feel so badly that you think you need more pain than your depression is already imposing?

    and what is so special about 21? people put such significance on certain ages for whatever reason, especially when it comes to these things

    when i was younger, one of my college professors had a group of my classmates keep an eye on me when i turned 20 because it was the start of a new decade - 21 wasn't a big deal - maybe now it is because a lot of the things i used to have at 18 are no longer legal until 21 - but to me age is just another number now - i try not to think about it anymore and just let my hair keep track of it

    21 is just an age coly, it's not magical or mystical or significant other than your ability to drink - please don't use it as a limit

    i don't think you are worthless and you know the reasons why - i also don't think you will spend the rest of your life by yourself unless you choose to - i do think that you are in a lot of pain and very confused about what you DO want - you need to take some time to figure all of that out and once you do i honestly think that you will be surprised at the way things can turn out for you

    and i can also think of a couple of people who would miss you other than me

    please hang in there hon, you know you can text me any time to talk
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    the doc doesnt care, ive told him more than once, he says i can not buy somethign else, like what no groceries? i dont buy things for myself very often, its not like im going shopping every week, as it is i barely buy food. i still dont eat much

    21 will happen july 9, its close, so close thats why i picked it...its almost here

    depression tells me to go ahead and allow myself to punish me for not measuring up to the standards ive set for myself, im not smart enough, im not nice enough to people, people use me and dont actually like me, im doing something wrong, and it deserves a punishment, depression just tells me its ok to do it...its not a bad thing itself i like it i like knowing im right and that punishing myself is what im supposed to do
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Coly,
    I personally don't see anything with smoking pot except it's illegal..I'm 53 and still wish they would legalise it..I'm too old to be going to jail..So if it makes you calm and helps with your thoughts then I say go for it..
    Now I don't think suicide is what you really want.. You want to be more social and have friends you can count on.. You have that here.. You can make plenty of friends here..
    Don't be afraid to talk to us.. We don't know who you are so your safe.. Well I hope this helps a little... Letting you know you are welcome here and the members will help you...
  6. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    o and im supposed to start talking and being around people irl, and not just on the forum...even thou in terms of contact with people on the forum ive been slacking anyways....i duno
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    doesn't pot cost a lot of money? could you cut back on that so you can afford the doctors prescribed meds...

    I have a daughter who smokes that and she thinks it helps but everyone else can see it just makes her worse...
  8. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    kinda but not really...i smoke a lot, but not to the point where it keeps me from buying other things, not to mention that ive been on this expensive med for a while now, and it helped, but it didnt make enough of a difference to the point where i can make myself spend 50 on it every month. not to mention if i take it i have to get at least 8 hours of sleep, or i will be useless the next day, and i have to take it at night, it makes me pass as a college student, 8 hours of sleep a night doesnt always happen, so i cant take it every day anyways
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i have thesame problem with my sleep meds
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