hmm...

[Sa Palomera]

I don't know what I feel right now.

I shouldn't watch episode 11 of the first season of Joan Of Arcadia anymore, that's for sure. I fucking KNOW it'll trigger me, yet I keep watching it, cos it's such a beautiful episode. In fact it's my favorite episode. :unsure:


urgh nevermind me. I'm just sick. I don't even want to talk about what I'm feeling anymore. I'm tired, as well physically as emotionally. So much paperwork to handle, so much other stuff to deal with, so many people to deal with, so many expectations to deal with.

Right now all I want is to go lay in bed, in the arms of my housemate S. Not because I like him or am in love with him or cos I want to have sex with him, cos none of that is the case, but just because I know he cares and I know I can go there for a hug. And I like the way I feel when he gives me a hug.

My other housemate now checks on SF sometimes which I don't know if I like yet. I don't really have anything I post on here about that she doesnt know of, but still I dont know if I'm comfortable with it.

Not that it matters.

How do I go through this time. Right now I know what I want. And working is not in that. I will just live off my savings account. IF I calculated correctly I should be able to live off that till University starts.
If I make it that far.

Urgh what am I rambling.. I should just shut the fuck up. Not post on this frickin' site anymore, I'm done hurting people I care about. I'm done having people I care for reading my posts and getting all sad or worried. WHy aren't the people who just are happy when they read my posts. Just happy.

Urgh I'll just shut up right here, right now.

 

[Bob26003]

Ester, don't stop posting. It's good to have an outlet. I bet folks would be more worried if you stopped posting , cause then they would be thinking "Jeez, I wonder if Es is OK"

Having ppl who will listen and that you can let out yer emotions too is very important IMHO.

So you can't just think about whether or not someone is going to be worried. You need to let it out. You can't be ashamed of how you feel. :wink: :cool:

:urinal: :bottom:

 

[Marshmallow]

I agree with Bob, i don't think you should posting. If you don't want that person to look at your post's then ask her not to. She should respect that but out of all honesty she would only check them out of love and care for you. If you don't wanna work then thats up to you. I want you to be safe, if anything happened to you i don't know what i'd do. Theres no if about it, you are gonna get back to uni, and i will do anything to make that happen. But please remember this, if anyone gets upset by your post's then that shows how much that truely care. We care deeply thats why we hurt when we see you down. Please remember that.

Love u

xxx

 

[Sa Palomera]

I guess she's right. I can't do this to her or anyone else. Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut sometimes, or always?

*sigh* what am I supposed to do? I don't want to loose her but I know it's best for her so I'm giving her that space.
oh sod it, I am to tired to type or talk about it now. hmpf :sad:

 

[Marshmallow]

Shes right sweetie, i agree with what she said and deep down you know shes right. Let her have a break, you haven't talked in awhile and she proberbly wanted to 'clear' things up. But she is right, u need to get to the bottom of this. 'I' reacted in her own way to what was said, fair enough. This is her way, give her some time and she will come around, you can build that relationship back up again. Make it stronger than it was before.

Love u

xxx

 

[Sa Palomera]

it just.. I'm loosing everyone one by one

but well I had it coming.

I guess at this point all I can do is try to make the best out of the mess I made :sad:

 

[Marshmallow]

You can change that sweetie. You loose people because you push them away too many times, people can only take that so many times. Some people can't bare to see you in pain, do the things you do or say the things you say. You know why i can't walk away from you, you know the reason why i stuck by you when you was at your parents. You know how much i care about you. You don't have to lose people if you don't want to. You can build those bridges again.

You know where i am if you want a chat xxxx

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

We are still here for you hun :hug: Right Viks? :smile:

 

[Marshmallow]

Course Caz, always am and always will be.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

Course Caz, always am and always will be.

See, told ya, Est! :biggrin: :grouphug:

 

[Abacus21]

:hug: s for Ester :smile:

 

[gentlelady]

I am still around to ester. You haven't lost everyone. i doubt you ever will. :hug:

 

[Sa Palomera]

all my highschool mates are... well out of touch, don't even reply to an occasional email I send.
my parents and family... all out of touch.
my mates from the Dido boards... all getting more and more distant.
the guys I used to hang out with... only reply when I call them or when I email them and even then it feels as if they do because they feel obligated to reply.
all I seem to have left is my Sister, my housemates and SF. My Sister wouldn't miss me that much, my housemates might, and you guys, well you wouldn't even have to find out.

it all hurts. so much. I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. My best friend... she tries.. but it doesnt work. I hear her talking about her boyfriend, how happy she is, I see her dancing around all happy. Í'm happy for her that she's happy, but I dont see 'it' if ya know what I mean.

ah what am I rambling again :dry:

 

[Ziggy]

I always used to envy my mate at University, he had all the things I wanted, the looks. the personality, loads of mates, really nice girlfriends etc. and I always wondered why he would be my best mate as I didn't seem to have much going for me, after all none of his other friends really liked me much.

Then it all went horribly wrong for him, drugs, paranoia, mental health problems, and suddenly nobody wanted anything to do with him anymore. One day he turned round to me and told me that I was his only friend left, and I simply told him that he'd been my only friend like ever, I figured that we were extremely lucky in life if we knew even just 1 person who after all the trials we go through will stay by our side.

The weird thing is then he told me that he'd always envied me! And I was like why? what did I ever have? I had no mates, girlfriends, money etc. and he simply said "but you never needed them". Almost true, but not quite, I simply don't have much in life, so what I do have becomes extremely important to me, such as my only friend.

I don't know how many people will stay by your side, but at the end of the day I'd bet that those friendships will mean more to you than all the other friends you had before, and hopefully you will see them as a blessing.

 

[Marshmallow]

Beautifully said Ziggy :hug:

 

[LetItGo]

Id miss you :sad:

 

[Sa Palomera]

i've lost too many people. Next time around I'll keep my big mouth shut.
I shouldn't of been stopped.

 

[Marshmallow]

Yes you should have been stopped. Don't even say that you shouldn't of. You know hoe much it would hurt me or anyone else if ANYTHING was to happen to you. You haven't lost everyone and you haven't lost her, theres still time to mend those relationships.

Love u sweetie

xxx