Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Ishy, Apr 5, 2007.

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  1. Ishy

    Ishy Guest

    I have no clue why Im writing this. Guess I just felt like ranting a bit without waiting hours for approval lol.

    I made decisions, yes. Some know about them, but I only told ONE person very specific about it, and then afterwards I told them to forget it and nevermind it blabla usual shit.

    I don't know how much longer I can keep this to myself. :sad:
    But what's new in my life.

    Oh well why am I even posting this, it's not like anybody cares anyway lol

    and no i'm not swallowing myself in self-pity, far from it. I know I deserve this.
    I know I've lost friends along the line. As well here as on all other forums I've lost many friends over the last couple of months. Due to the change in my behaviour as well as due to the fact that I've been pushing people away.
    Only very few are still around and I know I won't be able to push them away.
    They will get hurt that's for sure.

    I should get some more sleep now. Was gonna go pay my Mum a visit, but can't even fucking afford the train to get there, how much of a pathetic daughter am I eh. :lol:

    oh sod it. this post is useless and a fucking waste of space. Sorry for wasting your time... :sad:
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi are not a waste of time, and that is what this part of the forum is let some steam out of the proverbial kettle and help to feel more a part of the world...being without money is not a reflection on your are going through a rough spot, and it would compromise anyone's ability to earn a wage and be financially stable...and about deserving anything uncomfortable...I think when we are our worst, this is the time that the greatest compassion is called for, by ourselves and plez do not feel you have pushed everyone away...we have lots of members and many are here to continue to support you...big hugs
  3. Ishy

    Ishy Guest

    Sadeyes, thank you for your reply. :hug:

    I do not just feel like I've pushed people away, I really did. I don't know if you've seen the recent happenings on here, but I did some really very wrong things and I've said things that were far from nice. It was partially because I was completely off my face, not on drugs or alcohol, but on emotions, if that makes any sense. I felt every single emotion a human being can possibly feel and my mind was everywhere. I said some things I shouldn't have said. But at the same time I kinda knew what I was doing. I knew it would push people away. I hate hurting people and the ones who really know me, know that it devastates me that all I seem to be capable of is hurting the ones I love. But yet I did it. At the time I felt it was my only option, because I HAD to push people away and alienate me from people. I'd been succesfully alienating myself from my friends from other forums, but for some reason it seemed impossible to just alienate fromt the people here.

    In time it'll all make sense to everyone, once everyone sees the big picture. For now everyone probably thinks I'm a fucking bitch who does not deserve any friends and I guess in a way they are right, but in the end, eventually everyone will see what I'm seeing now and my actions will (hopefully) make sense then.

    Until then I'll just have to live with the idea of having everyone I was close to either far away or angry at me. That's a sacrifice I knew I'd have to make at some point and I guess that point has arrived now.
    It comforts me to know this situation won't last long anymore though, as I know things will change drastically soon, so yeah. I guess I shouldn't whine now, should I?

    God I'm such a whinge lol
  4. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    I fucking know why you are taking distance, alienating yourself, or whatever you wanna call it. I havent heard you saying that for a while. But a few months ago, you told me a few times, you would let people hate you, you would take distance. So people wont get hurt that much when you would do it. Well essie, I know i have been a useless friend these past weeks, sorry for that, but i'm not letting you go. I dont know if its true what i'm thinking, but I'm definately not letting you go.
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