Running the risks of sounding like a broken record I feel that I’m depressed. Again.
Going through phases of this kills me. Although it’s nice to have a pretend strong part where I don’t feel like this. But mostly feeling like I’m the biggest mistake this world could make. Why would god (I think, not a believer personally) make my parents have me? I’ve got no achievements, I haven’t got an award winning job, and I’m not beautiful, so never going to win any beauty competitions. All I can be proud of is the children I’ve been blessed with. However, they test me. Especially Alyssa, she’s so difficult. She never listens to anything I say, it’s so frustrating. Most of the time I think they’d be better off without me and honestly I do believe that. Why would they be proud of a mum who would rather not be here, why would they be proud of a mum who’s attempted to take her own life, albeit before they were born?
Why would Dan want to be with me? I mean he’s hurt me in the past by talking to other women and even meeting up with one woman, I know I deserve better, but I’m never going to get better. He deserves someone better than me who’s constantly paranoid. Constantly wanting to know who he’s talking to, who he’s texting who his whatsapping or instagramming. We did have each other’s Facebook passwords but he no longer will give me his for reasons I don’t want to go into as I’m so embarrassed by it. I’m stuck here because I don’t want to break my kids family up, but I also don’t want to feel so unhappy anymore. He won’t let me give up on us even though he’s just as unhappy as I am, even though he won’t admit it, but I can see it and I can feel it. I’m sick of pretending and playing happy families
Going through phases of this kills me. Although it’s nice to have a pretend strong part where I don’t feel like this. But mostly feeling like I’m the biggest mistake this world could make. Why would god (I think, not a believer personally) make my parents have me? I’ve got no achievements, I haven’t got an award winning job, and I’m not beautiful, so never going to win any beauty competitions. All I can be proud of is the children I’ve been blessed with. However, they test me. Especially Alyssa, she’s so difficult. She never listens to anything I say, it’s so frustrating. Most of the time I think they’d be better off without me and honestly I do believe that. Why would they be proud of a mum who would rather not be here, why would they be proud of a mum who’s attempted to take her own life, albeit before they were born?
Why would Dan want to be with me? I mean he’s hurt me in the past by talking to other women and even meeting up with one woman, I know I deserve better, but I’m never going to get better. He deserves someone better than me who’s constantly paranoid. Constantly wanting to know who he’s talking to, who he’s texting who his whatsapping or instagramming. We did have each other’s Facebook passwords but he no longer will give me his for reasons I don’t want to go into as I’m so embarrassed by it. I’m stuck here because I don’t want to break my kids family up, but I also don’t want to feel so unhappy anymore. He won’t let me give up on us even though he’s just as unhappy as I am, even though he won’t admit it, but I can see it and I can feel it. I’m sick of pretending and playing happy families