Hmm

[Dinolaur]

Running the risks of sounding like a broken record I feel that I’m depressed. Again.
Going through phases of this kills me. Although it’s nice to have a pretend strong part where I don’t feel like this. But mostly feeling like I’m the biggest mistake this world could make. Why would god (I think, not a believer personally) make my parents have me? I’ve got no achievements, I haven’t got an award winning job, and I’m not beautiful, so never going to win any beauty competitions. All I can be proud of is the children I’ve been blessed with. However, they test me. Especially Alyssa, she’s so difficult. She never listens to anything I say, it’s so frustrating. Most of the time I think they’d be better off without me and honestly I do believe that. Why would they be proud of a mum who would rather not be here, why would they be proud of a mum who’s attempted to take her own life, albeit before they were born?
Why would Dan want to be with me? I mean he’s hurt me in the past by talking to other women and even meeting up with one woman, I know I deserve better, but I’m never going to get better. He deserves someone better than me who’s constantly paranoid. Constantly wanting to know who he’s talking to, who he’s texting who his whatsapping or instagramming. We did have each other’s Facebook passwords but he no longer will give me his for reasons I don’t want to go into as I’m so embarrassed by it. I’m stuck here because I don’t want to break my kids family up, but I also don’t want to feel so unhappy anymore. He won’t let me give up on us even though he’s just as unhappy as I am, even though he won’t admit it, but I can see it and I can feel it. I’m sick of pretending and playing happy families

 

[IB85]

It is a terrible feeling to feel like a failure as a parent, I know. I think I always do. But I think the way you talk about your kids, even how testy they can make you, proves you are a wonderful mom. I think sometimes really good moms that may struggle with mental health challenges can blame themselves for too much and feel constantly guilty. It is certainly not a good feeling. I am sorry you are feeling depressed.

 

[Ash600]

Being a wife and a mother, someone who shows compassion and thoughtfulness for others are achievments which many others won't attain. You may not get certificates,or even due aknowledgement, but those things can never be taken away from you.

Why would your children be proud of you? Because you care for them and are trying to instll a sense of what's right. They may not appreciate it right now, that's kids I suppose, but years down the line, they will look back no doubt with pride and appreciation at you having brought them up, not being haunted of what might have been if you weren't around.

For Dan, I don't know man, relationships as you know can hit rocky periods but eventually recover, others though run it's course. It can be difficult recognising which one is which, let alone figuring out what to do. But him burying his head in the sand is not really an option as you are no doubt aware of. Engaging in some form of dialogue needs to be done at some stage, instead of just the both of yous meandering along unhappy.

It's hard, I know especially with the kids. You must be feeling in a catch 22 situation here. I wish I had the answers, but as with everyone else here you at the very least you have our support.

 

[Dinolaur]

It is a terrible feeling to feel like a failure as a parent, I know. I think I always do. But I think the way you talk about your kids, even how testy they can make you, proves you are a wonderful mom. I think sometimes really good moms that may struggle with mental health challenges can blame themselves for too much and feel constantly guilty. It is certainly not a good feeling. I am sorry you are feeling depressed.

Hey @IB85 thankyou for replying. I’ve had mental health issues since I was really young. My first attempt was when I was 8y old. So yeah it’s been a real rollercoaster. I go through phases of depression and then somehow come out at the other end. Where I think fuck it, I’m happy in the body I’m in. Fuck it, I love the guy I’m with even if he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does. Fuck it, my kids are great. Then I go back and say. I absolutely hate the body I am in, I want to chop my stomach off. I wish I could. I do love my partner, he’s helped me through a lot in the last 8y that we’ve been together. I guess because I fell pregnant 6m after we got together, we never really got to be together as just us, guess that’s where we’ve gone wrong. And my kids really are great, but I feel right now, that they’d be better off without me. The guilt I feel that they have a mum like me, I wish they didn’t. I wish they had better than me...

 

[Dinolaur]

Being a wife and a mother, someone who shows compassion and thoughtfulness for others are achievments which many others won't attain. You may not get certificates,or even due aknowledgement, but those things can never be taken away from you.

Why would your children be proud of you? Because you care for them and are trying to instll a sense of what's right. They may not appreciate it right now, that's kids I suppose, but years down the line, they will look back no doubt with pride and appreciation at you having brought them up, not being haunted of what might have been if you weren't around.

For Dan, I don't know man, relationships as you know can hit rocky periods but eventually recover, others though run it's course. It can be difficult recognising which one is which, let alone figuring out what to do. But him burying his head in the sand is not really an option as you are no doubt aware of. Engaging in some form of dialogue needs to be done at some stage, instead of just the both of yous meandering along unhappy.

It's hard, I know especially with the kids. You must be feeling in a catch 22 situation here. I wish I had the answers, but as with everyone else here you at the very least you have our support.

Maybe one day I will be a wife, to who, I don’t know. I’ve been promised that for far too long, knowing that I probably won’t ever have that title, because I’m not worthy of it. I hope the girls do understand in the future that we’re hard on them for the good. I don’t want them growing up to be trashy little cunts that roam our streets today.
Dan is going through a really rough patch with work. Partly I blame the stress from that. The stress from that alone has really changed him. He’s constantly moody, never wants affection or offers it, but I think me falling pregnant 6m after being together has had a massive affect on our relationship because we never really got to know each other before it happened. I guess we kinda ruined it because Alyssa was planned. I don’t regret having Alyssa, but I regret having her too soon. I wish we’d had the chance to get to know each other first before bringing children into the equation. I hate myself