Hmm...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kristor, Feb 3, 2008.

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  1. Kristor

    Kristor New Member

    I'm not so sure that this would really classify as a crisis... But, lord knows, it's taking it's toll on me...

    Suppose I should feed a little back story, otherwise none of it would really make any I sense... And forgive me if I seem a little long-winded... I tend to so that from time to time...

    Years ago, when I was 19... Finally comes to terms with my orientation, and fell for this amazing guy. He understood my low moods, because he himself was diagnosed with depression. He was generally in a good place though with the medication, as I'm sure we all hope happens with ourselves, no?

    Anyways, we had moved in together... Things were wonderful. What seemed to be a near perfect domestic household...

    I was headed to work one Thursday, he was off that day... Told me as I left, that he loved me, wanted to have me around forever... I said I'd see him when I came home...

    11:30 that night, when I returned home... The bathroom door was opened a crack, and the light was on... Thinking I could sneak up and surprise him, I poked my head in...

    He was there... Sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall, gasping for air, and I have never seen that much blood before...

    I'll not get into any real details, but needless to say, I've carried a very, very deep scar on my soul from that night...

    Now, I've accepted... No, not accepted... Suppose best I can say is that I've come to terms with what happened to him. I wanted to leave this place, follow him out... But, I stayed to make him proud... To grow up and be the man he wanted me to be...

    The trouble recently is, new employee at my work bears the same name as this late boyfriend of mine... And, even just seeing this guy makes the memories and sights and feelings of that terrible night flood back into my brain.

    I've tried to avoid him, but the store is only so big, and he does get paged over the intercom a couple times a night...

    So, please... Is this rediculous? Am I being childish about this whole situation? I'm open to any feedback, any comments, any suggestions...

    I really don't want to fall back into that dark place after taking all those years to climb out... I don't want to have to hide in the washroom fighting off tears over this lost love... I certainly don't want to have to leave yet another job because this cursed depression has turned things to hell for me...
     
  2. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    hey hunny,

    im really sorry to hear about what happened. i can tell from your words that you really loved each other - just the depression won in the end.

    On the up side reading how you carried on going through this dark time makes me feel proud (and i dont even know you!) and im sure he would be so so proud of you.

    From what you said you obviously enjoyed alot happy times. i know it must be hard hearing his name when you are at work and you obviously miss him dearly. when you hear his name at work try and focus on the happy times. think about times you sepnt together and know that now he is safe and watching over you. take comfort from that. im sure he is looking out for you.

    His heart lays forever within yours.

    If you ever need to talk then feel free to pm me.

    Take care and be safe

    Clare x
     
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