Hmm...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kunera, Apr 7, 2009.

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  1. Kunera

    Kunera Well-Known Member

    Well, I'd just like to start off with saying that I don't have a serious plan or anything formulated, I've just been thinking about suicide. Purely thoughts, zero action.

    Anyways, for a long time, I really haven't seen a reason to live. Once I'm dead, and my body is decaying under a large pile of dirt, everything I've done, and everyone I've met, won't really matter. Lots of people find reassurance in religion, but that's just one thing I can't seem to have faith in, no matter what I try. The principles of Christianity are nice and all, but I just have a hard time having faith in the existence of God. That's just me, though.

    While I haven't seen a reason to live, I can't say that I've seen many reasons not to for quite a while. It's just been one of those "well, why not?" situations. Things have been alright, for a decent while.

    These days, it just seems like I'm getting worse at everything I try, I'm letting people down, some of my grades are slipping, and I'm losing touch with friends. I've always been the person that doesn't have too many friends, but I get really close to the few friends I have. Needless to say, when I'm not around those friends, I get VERY lonely, VERY easily.

    It just doesn't seem like I have a place in the world at all. I mean, I don't know what I want out of life, and I have a feeling I'll never figure that out, since I can't make myself believe that everything in life has meaning. I'm just kind of going along with the ride for now, honestly not caring if it ended 50 years from now, or 2 seconds from now.

    I'll probably never find a girl that will truly love me, as I tend to be the more sensitive kind of guy. I like to think that the ideal girl for me would be powerful and protective, as I tend to be more shy and submissive. That's fairly awkward, since it's supposed to be the opposite when you consider the roles of males and females in relationships. Most people tend to be shallow, and don't give half a shit about anything that doesn't benefit them anyways, so finding a girl that I could honestly believe cares about me, and that I truly care about her, seems impossible.

    It wouldn't matter, since I would be dead, but there's one thing that I can't help but feel guilty about when I consider suicide. In the semi-recent generations of my family, most of my cousins have done really stupid things, turning to drugs, having kids when they're not responsible enough to care for them, taking up spaces in the family business, not actually expecting to have to do any work, and so on.
    One of my cousins was even found doing drugs in his car on the side of the road with his baby in the back seat of the car. Needless to say, he was jailed for that, and my parents tend to appreciate that I'm nothing like them. When I think about killing myself, that's one thing that makes me feel guilty. Leaving my parents with the useless pile of shit that is my family.

    Yet, I just don't think I have a place here myself, and while I may not do drugs, or have kids and subject them to harm, and force them on my grandparents while I go out to get stoned and have a good time, I just can't find the space in the puzzle where I fit in. I honestly don't think such a space exists, and when that's the case, what's the point in keeping a piece completely unrelated to the puzzle you're trying to put together?
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds to me that you need to learn to be intimate with yourself, you have to love yourself first. Then people will gravitate your direction because your attitude will be different.. And yes you will find that girl..Beleive it or not alot of women like sensitive guys..Don't discount your positive thoughts.. And good for you for staying away from drugs.. It took me 20+ years to get myself off them..Then my life turned itself around..All this time I was fighting depression and three failed suicide attempts..Life is all in what you make of it..When you put your efforts into it then you will reak it's awards..No I am not preaching because i don't follow the churches either. I have my own beleifs..Take care!!
     
  3. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    If you 'honestly' don't care about dying then why should you give a fuck what your parents think? Why would you feel sad. demand your freedom.
     
  4. Kunera

    Kunera Well-Known Member

    Very true, very true.

    My family pretty much consists of a useless pile of shit though, and I'm one of the few people my parents actually look to for a moment of sanity.

    I mean, it's obviously my choice as to whether or not I should live, and there's nothing anyone else can do about it, but it just seems like taking away one of the few things my parents seem to like about the family is a tad bit douchey.

    Eh, I tend to bounce back and forth a lot, I'll end up taking one extreme or the other at some point.
     
  5. Kunera

    Kunera Well-Known Member

    Thanks. It's good to hear that you managed to get off drugs and turn things around, I'm happy for you! And with the whole "finding the girl" thing, I just don't know. With every day, it just seems less and less likely, and I get that much closer to just giving up on that. Which makes accepting myself that much harder, which makes it harder to attract anyone. I see a vicious cycle here. :dry:
     
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