Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by herodian, Apr 30, 2009.

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  1. herodian

    herodian New Member

    So I guess it has come to this... Now I am making this random post to people I don't even know. I guess this is where I am supposed to write my whole life story and say why I am depressed and why I am considering ending it all? Well f*** that. I don't believe this has anything to do with my story. Although, it is f***ed up. But who's story isn't?

    I guess without getting to specific, I will try to describe what I think.

    There's no hope. This world is absolutely f****d. Not just my situation, not just America, but this entire world. And why should I stay when it's all f***ed up anyways.

    I'll begin with my situation; What the hell is going on? There is no one to talk to. Everyone is completely retarded. No one seems to care enough to think anymore. Logic seems to be going extinct. And I can't figure out how to be happy. I have been depressed for years. There is not one consistent thing I can do to make me happy. Also, there is nothing I can do for the rest of my life. I am currently in college, and have no idea what I want to do. I know, real original huh. But it's different. I can't figure out what I want to do, because I can't figure out how to be happy. And I don't care about money. I don't care what anyone else thinks of my career choice. My number 1 concern is to be happy. And I can't be happy with the world. There is no changing it. And even if I do figure it out, so what. There will be tens of thousands of people graduating with the same exact piece of paper every year. And they will be going after the same exact thing. So how am I different? Individuality has certainly died. Then again, I am wondering if it has ever really existed.

    Well I don't want to talk too much about America. It's flaws are everywhere. My main problems with it are the people and the system. A vast majority of the people are complete idiots. And the system is absolutely f***ed anyways. I rather not discuss this. I only bring it up because it only adds to the frustration and depression.

    And the world... We are on one planet a few billion years old. We are part of a race that will either kill each other off completely, or die from the hundreds of other possibilities. And we are in a galaxy containing an estimated 200-400 billion other stars... And the milky way is just 1 galaxy... Among 50 billion others. So with that information, how is my petty 80 years on this piece of shit planet going to matter? And by the way, I'm an atheist so that rules out any afterlife or reason for existence.

    Why continue to live with all the pain when I can just end it now. It won't matter anyways. My existence would not be recognized. It would not be anything special.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. This looks like a paper I could pull from a notebook from my college days.

    WHich is why, I think I've ended up at this forum. These are legitimate questions and statements. I grew up toward the end of the Vietnam War and had some friends come back mamed, though I wasn't in it myself.

    Things haven't changed much. There's really not much advice I could give you right now other than our lives do have some meaning to them (it would be a long discussion).

    If you want, you can send me a private message and we can discuss further.

    For now, I would just say to keep moving forward. Things seemed to work out for most of my friends that felt the same way. It takes a lot of fortitude to move on with these feelings hanging around you, but it can be done.
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member


    If ignorance is bliss, you are anything but ignorant! You sound exactly like me and my father, we'd vent about how screwed up the world is all the time. The thing I'm learning is that in the ugliness, there is also great, awesome beauty that is really freaking hard to see. It is especially hard to imagine that any beauty is enough to make up for the ugliness, but unless I can see the beauty part in a true way, I'm biased in thinking of everything through the unbalanced lens of depression. The way I see it is that we all have our sad stories, some more painful than others. Just because your story isn't worth telling, from your point of view, it doesn't negate the pain that your story has caused you. If I were to whack your legs with a baseball bat, you'd be crumpled on the floor in tears and pain, unable to see, feel, or think about anything other than the pain. Everything is uglier when you're in pain. There is no balance between the good and the bad. The difference between breaking your leg and what you are experiencing is that you know that broken legs eventually heal. There isn't an obvious end point to this pain.

    As for college, you are coming from a place of above average intelligence. Most people need that piece of paper as proof that you are smart because they can't tell just by talking to you. College doesn't teach you an area of expertise. It teaches you how to become an expert through teaching you how to learn and do research in whatever your major was. It also makes learning how to do other things easier. Your degree is like the physical fitness award for your brain! Seeing how many idiots there are (even degreed people), I think that having that brainpower, esp with these observations you've made in your post, the ability to see such things isn't very common at all and people who see these things are usually lonely due to it's rarity.

    i get how hard it is to figure out what you want to do. I stumbled onto my job simply because I needed money and ended loving what I do. The thing is, I don't think you're meant to pick one career today and expect to be happy with it for the rest of your life. First of all, you are a constantly evolving creature that matures and grows wiser with age. The things that made you happy at 16 aren't making you happy now, and what you like doing today may not be what you like 10-20 years from now. I think you can be sure that as you grow, you'll start narrowing down what it is you want to do, you'll hone in on what you want to do and make that evolve as you grow and evolve. I hope I'm making sense.

  4. herodian

    herodian New Member

    Its not that it isn't worth telling. I just rather not type it all. It feels like I could write a novel on everything. And I also feel it is important for me to look into the future, rather than dwell on the past. What has happened in my life will not change. I have come to terms with it all. My problem isn't with the past, although it is the reason why I am here. But my problem is with the future.

    I have no motivation though. Why do i need the piece of paper. Why should I work for 4 years when I only see more depression in the future. There's no reason. I don't want to end up working for 40 years of my life with no meaning. And it's not like this has just hit me. I have been thinking about this for years. All I want to do is to be happy. And I can't be happy if there is no meaning. Whatever I choose to do, it will have no effect.

    I understand what you're saying. And I definitely believe that is true for a vast majority of people. But I can't see myself settling with a job and being content with it. It feels like whatever job is out there for me, it will have no significant impact on anything. I can't see myself changing my belief over time. Once awaken, it is impossible to go back to sleep.

    If I have one belief, it is to be happy. That's the only thing that matters. I just can't figure out how to be happy when everything is so completely f***ed and there seems to be no end to it. I really just want to lie to myself and just choose some bullshit major and feel content. But I have a feeling that will only make things worse in the future. I have to deal with this now.

    Maybe I just need to stop being so pessimistic. If only I could find one glimmer of hope or one minute of happiness, I could change my mind. I'm still searching.

    Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it. I definitely think this is a step in the right direction. At least I am discussing it, rather than keeping it in to myself.

    Well, AdiĆ³s
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