Hi everyone.Thankyou so much for the kind replies.Hugs for those who want them.
im sorry its taken so long for me to give you good people a reply.
The only thing i know right now is that i do not deserve your suppport.
Thats the only thing i can be clear on.
i am in a lot of difficuolty and i do not desserve your support.
i am failing you all.....you will say im not but i am.Maybe youd agree if you knew what was going on........and you'll say tell us..........and i'll say i cant do that to you good people and secondly i cant put details of my situation on the forum cos i need to follow the rules to keep others safem,it is important.........but even if you did know.....it might stop me being alone to some degree,but it wouldnt stop the fact that im letting you all down,the fact that i dont deserve your help,there would be nothing you could do for me..........so there is no point.......the fact that at this rate im gonna end up in a police cell,a hospital or a grave soon.........the fact that the police or others may be called if i say more..................that is not me getting at anyone cos if someone told me the things which i would be telling you i would be calling someone..........trust me i would.....so i understand why people do........and it is just the reality of my situation right now cos its just how things are.........but it just makes it hard to share more but theres no point anyway......no point in putting people through more than i have to.......i should be able to deal with this............
i nearly got run over on Saturday........i wish i did..........i was out again somewhere i dont really know to find tablets....and going out alone in somewhat darkness if your visually impaired to an area you dont know is not a good idea for me......i always say that but always do it so hehe......but then i want to die........so what does it matter if i get run over while going out to get stuff to die with......oh though id rather be in control .......but the place i went to is an odd place for buses as it is not like you go from one side of the road and come back from the other which is how a lot of the buses work well in local area anyway..........instead there buses for either direction go from both sides of the road in the same direction just depending the time of day which side you stand on...........anyway me on my lonesome and about ten people presumably roughly loacal ish to that area which i wasnt were at he bus stop on one side of the road and we waited for a bus which actually never appeared.......but the next bus appeared coming towards us but to the stop on the other side of the road opposite but down a bit and someone shouted and i ended up running with the others and not checking the road first........it wasnt until i was in the middle of the road i saw this white car coming towards me..............well i dont know how that escaped me......i'll never know................the car didnt hit me but i feel down near the kerb on the other side of the road.........and now i have a very painful knee...........this guy helped me up but was more concerned about missing the bus i think........i dont blame him......we had been waiting over forty five minutes and also the bus was important to me as i had needed ot catch it to get to another place for tablets in time before closing..........i felt pain until i got home later that evening but didnt check it till i got home.......i knew it had been bleeding or something though as it had been stuck to my trousers..........it is only a cut and big bruise ubt it is fairly painful knee and im not sure the place i fell over was very clearn either so i dont know if the wound is clearn but cant see that much detail anyway.......and hey im trying to kill myself so anyway.............but im waffling......the reason i told you the story about Saturday is that recently i personally know [noone else totally knows all that has happened recently with things and what i have been doing] that i have been putting myself in a lot more danger both with the travelling [taking account of my siual difficulties - though i like to think i can be safely independent most of the time] and also in more danger with the pills themselves.
The pills are making me a lot more ill than they used to.i feel very emotionally and physically weak.im sorry ive not been here much but some days i simply dont have the physically energy anymore.im sorry.i desperately need peoples posts and PM's right now but i feel so guilty and selfish when i ask for support here......esepecailly given my current health situation........and the fact that i feel i should be able to cope alone........or at the very least should be made too regardless of wherever i can or not..........i dont deserve support.......please dont tell me i do........you dont know how much of a bad person i am yet........and i beg for PM's and posts but thats just rude of me when i do that cos of the sitaution im in i shouldnt do that and also i begfor them,i desperately need them but then often right now often i do not have the energy to reply at all or only in little inginificant bits and thats bad of me.....................why beg for people to write when i cant even talk to them or reply properly when i cant even do that for them............let alone to be here to support them when the need me.
i often feel im not on here much anymore.im sorry.Sad.
its not wrong for you to ask for support, your not a bad person or a failure and everyone here will say the same as me, and you know why they would say it? because its true, when i first came here, i noticed alot of people loved and respected you, and i can see why know, iv got to know you and it means alot to me to have this friendship with you. I often think 'i hope kath's ok' and i dont know you personally but it means a hell of alot that your here for everyone, and you say you wanna die but i would be DEEPLY upset if that did happen, might sound stupid but i would, i care about you alot and dont wanna see you hurt or upset in anyway. Hun you can tell me anything, i wont judge you and i doubt anyone else here would either.
really dear, please don't be so negative about yourself. You deserve some
help and support. Its ok, when you can't deal with it alone. We are here for you Please don't kill yourself and go to the doctor with that knee. Feel free to pm me. You won't let me down.
Hi you people are too kind to me!!!!Thankyou for the replies and i send many hugs to you both.i do not know why you stick with me.
i do worry about being judged.id lie if i said i didnt [though not here half as much as some other places] but i think we all have that worry to some extent in life at least at some poiint or another.So i do worry aobut it.id be lying to dsay otherwise.But to be honest currenlty being judged isnt always so worrying for me as the heavyness of my sitaution and my putting that on/sharing it with others.If anyone see waht i mean.If i were to explain all of my current situation it is an awful lot for a person to carry and deal with whether they know me or not.im not saying people here or whatever couldnt manage that or my pains bigger than anyone elses or any of that rubbish.im not saying i dont think people can cope with me [though i worry at times they wont just cos how i am as a person though] but im more saying is it fair of me to put them in the positon of knowing hte truth of whats going on for me?Thats what i often think about.ANd worry about.
And also -Vikki- yes i am here for now and thats great though i dont see me giving much positive [and certainly not compared to the amount of worry i seem to be causing] and thats concerning.i worry still that im failing everyone now but even if im not and yes im here for now well and thats great but well waht about if when......
Sorry this isnt very well written and i cant say the last bit above.Sorry.Just ignore me.Hugs.
PS As for the knee dont worry it does hurt but i think thats just me being a bad patient and its probably no more than a school kid knnock when they fall over in the playground.Probably just me making a big deal our of it.Wouldnt dare go docs!i will cope.Its just sticky and painful but as long as it stop sticking to my trousers someday it well be ok......urgghh sorry for hte detail.Seriously i think its the least of my worries or should be and serves me right really.i mean what do i expect????
Hun you know what i think about you, and i mean it with all my heart anyone who knows me will know i wouldn't say something if i didnt mean it, you mean alot to me and dont wanna lose you! so stick in there, i care alot about you! and dont want anything to happen to you! you know im allways here for you, hugs! :hug:
Thankyou for that.Hugs to people who want them.Yes i know people here care.....i dont dispute that at all........i just dont understand it.................i do not get this..........in alll reality im probably maybe gonna die on you and you all still care?.......why??.........why care for me???.......she who gonna go die probably anyway.....why care for me when thats who i am.......its very kind but i do not get it.......i do not understand.....i dont understand this.But hugs anyway whoever wants them and i am very grateful really!!!!im just a bit lost..........
i am sorry it has taken me a while to reply AGAIN [i feel like i say that nearly every time i write on here recently grrr and most of the itme it has taken me longer than i would like gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!].i have been tidying up.im not a tidy person.But i am having my carpet laid tomorow after being here for almost six months now.i know im slow!!!But in order for them to lay hte carpet i need to be able to see hte floor in here and so do i so ive been ummm slightly stressed due to my messy and disorganised personality.
Apart from that the main reason ive not been in touch or managed to be sooner is cos ive felt quite poorly today.But i will be ok of course.
Hun, i want you to think about what im about to write ok? You've said to me that you care bout me and dont me to harm myself in away, and that your life would somewhat be empty to some extent if i died (personally i dont see that, you said something along those lines, its just me nothing special so i dont see why you would say that but anyway....its hard to explain in words what im saying in my head if you get what i mean)
my point is.... that you feel its ok care for you to care about people but when people say they care about you, you seem to feel insecure about it, like its not right for people to care about you, i think your really cautious around people, finding it hard to trust incase they betray or hurt you in some way, but my point is they way i care for you is the same reason that you say you care for me, the exact same reasons, so why is that wrong? You dont need to understand it but accept it because people do care for you because your such a lovely person. You dont need to understand it, its like me turning aroudn to you and saying 'Kath i dont understand why you care about me' i know the reason you care, you care because thats you, because your a loving caring person. I know its a hard thing to understand but in order to understand you need to be able to see what everyone else see's in you but you dont wanna accept what a wonderful person you are.
You dont seem to accept that people do care! you feel like no one could possible like or care about you right? kath hun you dont understand what an amazing person you are, you dont realise it, im 100% sure that who ever knows you like i do will say the same, you seriously are the most amazing person iv ever known, i dont know what id done with out you, i know we've know each other for less than a month but believe me its been a really enjoyable month, when iv felt down your the one who puts a smile on my face, when i see your name on the online list i get a big grin on my face because i know your here, knowing your as ok as can be, just seeing you online puts my mind at rest so much! i do worry about you! when i was at college i kept playing you PM's over and over in my mind, praying you were ok, iv told you this a million times before and it come from the bottom of my heart, i dont wanna lose such an amazing person like you from my life to me that would be like losing one of my best mates and that would serious devestate me. Kath take eveything iv said on board and accept it because you:
ARE AN AMAZING PERSON
A CARING PERSON
A KIND PERSON
THE LOVELIEST PERSON IM EVER LIKELY TO MEET
AND MANY MORE THINGS TO LIST! ID BE HERE ALL DAY WRITING THE LIST! LOL
dont question what me or anyone say because believe me when somone says something positive about you they DO mean it, you dont see that, but it is true, trust me i wouldn't lie to you would i.
hun trust me you are special please dont question that, and dont question why people care about you.
Think about what i've just said because everything thing is true and came from my heart.
i love ya to bits!
i dont wanna lose ya ok?
love ya vikki XxXxX
*gives kath a big hug!* (a hug that will never end and will constantly be with you to keep you safe and let you know im allways here for you for anything)
I got a lump in my throat writing that! :cry: (in a good way i surpose :smile
ps. worry if the post looked a bit 'mumbled' I couldnt get it how i thought in my head.