Okies so i was in a PM with someone earlier, i told them what was going on and how i felt about it. They said i NEEDED to take a break. I thought i was by cutting down on coming onto SF, but theres a few things that keep triggering me like chat and a few of the sections of the forum. So i felt strong and decided to do something about it. I care about peeps here ALOT and it hurts everyday to come on here and read such upsetting post's, it physcially hurts. All i wanna do is take peoples pain away and if that meant me living mylife in misery for the sake of others being happy then thats what i would do. I would sacarfice my life for people here, i would die for people here and it hurts that i see them in pain and way no way of taking it away. Maybe i do take everything to heart, i've been told that before and ironically they turned round and hurt me pretty badly and i ain't talked to them in months. The same thing happened with her, me and her got so close in a matter of months, i told her almost everything, all the shit about my ODing, the first time i did it she knew about it. I remember sitting in the living room chair, on the computer in there, crying so badly, then off my head on pills talking to her. Then i got hurt, but shes better off not having to talk to me at all. So would alot of people in my life right now if they did the same as she did. Including people from here. Worrying about people here, worrying about my closest mate. Someone on here has talked to her on skype, you would never of guessed she would be the type of person to tell me the things she did. She seems so happy. Everytime i see her, were in fits of laughter. Me being my crazy self around her makes me happy, it makes me so happy that i can make her laugh saying ANYTHING. I mean anything lol yesterday i said 'fuckypong' and she burst out laughing lol. You all see someone who can occasionally have some fun on here, sometimes be crazy in chat. Around her im myself, im crazy but in a good way i guess lol i just love making people laugh just by being my stupid self lol. Maybe that hides the hurt inside, maybe trying to make people laugh, make them feel happy for just a fraction of a second is a way to shut my feelings out. Sometimes that don't work tho and the eomtions just burst right through and i freak out BADLY. I dunno maybe its college, wanting to quit, worrying sick about my mum! If she goes like she was last year then i seriously won't be able to take it. I'd lost it, i'd just have to get away by any means possible. I can't seeing her like that again. I was terrified of what she might do last time and shes going that way again, and im terrified again. I couldn't take that again. I love her to death but sometimes me and her never saw eye to eye, especially other my 'brother' we had a MASSIVE argument last year. We didn't talk for days. I just dropped my brother off at my nan, got my stuff into a bad and just got the train out of London. Those days away have been the most chilled out ive had in MONTHS. I can't even do that again because i can't take the little digs my aunty keeps giving me. Makes me wanna just turn around and punch her in the face, if i lost it i would deffiantly do some damage to her. Got psychiatrist's next wednesday, i'm absolutely shitting myself! i never went to the first one and now they sent me a letter for another appointment. I dont want them to turn around and say they want me to go in the day hospital, i couldn't go right now, im too far behind in college allready, i cant afford to be in hospital from 9am - 6pm, Monday - friday. Suppose going to the psychiatrist i can tell them that the anti depressants i was on was making me worse and that i need something else. I dunno.