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Okies so i was in a PM with someone earlier, i told them what was going on and how i felt about it. They said i NEEDED to take a break. I thought i was by cutting down on coming onto SF, but theres a few things that keep triggering me like chat and a few of the sections of the forum. So i felt strong and decided to do something about it.

I care about peeps here ALOT and it hurts everyday to come on here and read such upsetting post's, it physcially hurts. All i wanna do is take peoples pain away and if that meant me living mylife in misery for the sake of others being happy then thats what i would do. I would sacarfice my life for people here, i would die for people here and it hurts that i see them in pain and way no way of taking it away.

Maybe i do take everything to heart, i've been told that before and ironically they turned round and hurt me pretty badly and i ain't talked to them in months. The same thing happened with her, me and her got so close in a matter of months, i told her almost everything, all the shit about my ODing, the first time i did it she knew about it. I remember sitting in the living room chair, on the computer in there, crying so badly, then off my head on pills talking to her. Then i got hurt, but shes better off not having to talk to me at all. So would alot of people in my life right now if they did the same as she did. Including people from here.

Worrying about people here, worrying about my closest mate. Someone on here has talked to her on skype, you would never of guessed she would be the type of person to tell me the things she did. She seems so happy. Everytime i see her, were in fits of laughter. Me being my crazy self around her makes me happy, it makes me so happy that i can make her laugh saying ANYTHING. I mean anything lol yesterday i said 'fuckypong' and she burst out laughing lol. You all see someone who can occasionally have some fun on here, sometimes be crazy in chat. Around her im myself, im crazy but in a good way i guess lol i just love making people laugh just by being my stupid self lol. Maybe that hides the hurt inside, maybe trying to make people laugh, make them feel happy for just a fraction of a second is a way to shut my feelings out. Sometimes that don't work tho and the eomtions just burst right through and i freak out BADLY.

I dunno maybe its college, wanting to quit, worrying sick about my mum! If she goes like she was last year then i seriously won't be able to take it. I'd lost it, i'd just have to get away by any means possible. I can't seeing her like that again. I was terrified of what she might do last time and shes going that way again, and im terrified again. I couldn't take that again. I love her to death but sometimes me and her never saw eye to eye, especially other my 'brother' we had a MASSIVE argument last year. We didn't talk for days. I just dropped my brother off at my nan, got my stuff into a bad and just got the train out of London. Those days away have been the most chilled out ive had in MONTHS. I can't even do that again because i can't take the little digs my aunty keeps giving me. Makes me wanna just turn around and punch her in the face, if i lost it i would deffiantly do some damage to her.

Got psychiatrist's next wednesday, i'm absolutely shitting myself! i never went to the first one and now they sent me a letter for another appointment. I dont want them to turn around and say they want me to go in the day hospital, i couldn't go right now, im too far behind in college allready, i cant afford to be in hospital from 9am - 6pm, Monday - friday. Suppose going to the psychiatrist i can tell them that the anti depressants i was on was making me worse and that i need something else. I dunno.
I've got so much anger in me right now, i could liturally take someones damn head off. I feel like all the people around me use me, use me constnlty. Use me to get what they want. Don't bother talking to me and then when they can't take the pressure of someone they hand it over to me know full well that i couldn't just leave someone like that! Then you just fuck you leaving me in a state of panic and fucking freaking out!! Its like people can't handle anything and then think 'oh, let me get Vikki to talk to them, she's a fucking push over so it won't matter'

People know full well i can't just leave people when they is feeling down and wanting to kill themselfs. Every fucking day i get hurt by people here, half the time none of ya know your doing it. The thing that pisses me off is that i let it bloody happen!! too scared of hurting people that i don't say anything!! I HATE hurting people, i can't stand it so i put myself through the pain and panic attacks for everyone else. Hoe the hell can i try talk someone out of killing themselfs when i've got a plan on how to kill myself!?!?!? Stopping people is like a little hobbie of mine, a fucking sick one, nealry on a daily basis im trying to stop at least someone.

Im fucking done with life! I cant take it anymore! some people here i ever regret every getting close to them like i did because all its caused is hurt. Yeah yeah yeah i know i've said im done before but i ain't been more serious in my LIFE. No one knows how badly i want to do it in the train station. The only reason i never was because then i directly involve someone else in my death and fuck up there lives. I just sat there nearly in tears banging my head against the wall.

Im done with everything. I HATE my life, i HATE who i am and im getting out. Soener than anyone would exspect, ALOT sooner and the funny thing is im pretty calm about it, i know its gonna happen and im okay with it, might hurt and upset my family but thats about it, im sure they would forgive me right. I NEDD to do it for me, i WILL do it. It's over. I was kidding myself thinking i could get through tomorrow, i know im not, i know im gonna do it. I just KNOW it. Fuck it, fuck life, fuck everything.
Vikki, i am always here for you hun.....im sorry if i made you feel worse yesterday.
please dont do anything
pm me or something to let me know your okay

Vikkers :sad: :hug: Please dont do it!!
I know you can and you know it too.
Now you are kidding yourself, you cant do it.
I like the vikster a lot and it would be a damn shame
if you kill such an amazing wonderfull person
I'm here if you need me :hug:
Sam you didnt make it worse, i had alot of crap going on all that day and then i was worrying about you aswell as alot of other people.

I just can't take anything anymore, the slightest things are causing so much hurt and i dunno how to handle life in general anymore.

and thanks Blubbers :hug:
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