right. so. yeah. don't trust anyone. can't trust anyone. i suppose i'm digging myself a hole, but i don't really care. or do i? part of me wants to reach out and ask for help, but part of me just wants to continue to hide. ...and so i do. instead of trying to open up to people, i opt to hide behind bottles and stick myself with needles. and why shouldn't i? escapism is fun. i'll take it over reality any day! i simply don't want to admit that i'm not alright -- not even to myself. to do so admits to a weakness, and weakness disgusts me. instead, i prefer to affect an air of blithe nonchalance and sarcasm, and pretend everything is peachy. to be honest for once, i'm fucked. i'm strained in all possible directions and breaking underneath it all. there's so much that's happened to me that i refuse say a word about. i can't see myself out of the hellhole into which circumstance has thrown me. and oh yes, i try... i feel like one big, fat, fucking failure. no matter how much effort i put into my situation, it remains the same. why???? i just want to vanish. the concept of nothingness fascinates me. i wonder how it would be to eradicate every single cell of my being. maybe curiosity will coerce me into finding out some day. i suppose just one thing is keeping me around right now. placing so much value on a human sentiment is a recipe for destruction, i know. oh well. if that vanishes, i'm free to go... ho hum...what to do?