Ho hummm

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Fatman1966, Mar 28, 2007.

  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Dear all

    Feeling kinda low again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm too old for all this.

    Like he song "should I stay or should I go".

    It's too late to make a new start

    So really what's the point

    It was all over before it even began

    The light the burns so bright, really does only burn half as long.

    And I'm well past half as long already.

    I'm bored with this, bored of being like this, bored of feeling like this,

    Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    I think not Mr Thomas !
  2. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Life sucks at times !!!!

    A 20yo boy told me I was his "Role Model" today, which you would think was a really nice complement ?????

    Especialy for a 40yo closeted gay man.


    All I wanted to do was, grab him and give him a good punch in the face !!!!

    I told him that he should just be himself and the last person in the world he should want the be like is me and left it at that.

    No idea why it made me so angry inside or instead of giving me a warm rosey glow, just made me feel very sad !

    :sad: :sad: :sad:
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Paul:sad: :hug: :hug: :hug: Had a sad day meself today..you are not alone
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    If someone can see good qualities in you chances are others can but I guess you have to balance that with fact that the last thing you'd want him to end up feeling is how you feel now, kinda noble in a way. However, chances are you feel the way you do because you are ill, not because you've lived your life badly, maybe you wouldn't make a bad role model after all?
  5. blossom

    blossom Member

    Sounds as though your feeling very lonely and a tender hearted person who derserves more, you know what hun even though you truly deserve it, there isn't such a thing as fair play in the romance stakes!
    It's fate, plain and simple, with a bit of luck and juggling thrown in.
    It's okay to be alone as long as your happy with your own company and get to realise 'you' are okay.
    It sounds as if at the minute everything is a bit mixed up for you, that;s alright you know.
    Your a smart cookie and want to work that out, maybe you just need a sounding board!
    The young guy that unsettled you? Your not respnsible for him, it's beautiful that you feel passionate about his place?
    You don't need to take ownership of that, yes you have wisdom but like a parent you need to step back and say, okay! Been ther done that but let him decide upon his own mistakes, he'll be very lucky in life if he has a knowledgeable mentor to help him through.
    Talk if you want to. xx
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Awww hun, sorry you are feeling that way. I hope things pick up for you really soon. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Well its Sunday now and I do feel a little better.

    I came out to my little brother the other day, which kinda helped a bit, he was very, "oh yeah I already knew you were gay" about it, but he's rubbish at hiding his real fealings from me, I could tell it made him very uncomfortable, but I figer thats a small price for him to pay, compared to losing me alltogether, a bit selfish, but the way I see it I have spent far to long putting myself second to everything else in my life.

    As for the role model thing, I suppose, thats upset be because this young man wanted to put me up on a pedistal, just like my younger brother did for all those years, we are very close, but as close as we are even he couldn't see how much the fact I was a gay man, trapped in a straight mans life was hurting me, at one point he said "I was just waiting for you to get off your arse and say I'm gay, I thought you would have done it years ago", which was complete bullshit and bravardo on his behalf, but he never thought to ask ? never took the time to see if I was ok ?, "we'll thats not the kind of thing you talk about is it" he said, if only he knew how close he came to losing a brother, may be then he might have thought it was something worth talking about !!!!!!!

    It still upsets me to think, that despite being such a close family, none of them, took the time or seemed to care enough to ask me why I have been living the way I have, either I'm one hell of a guy at hiding my feelings or they knew what the problem was, but were too scared to offer a helping hand.

    That sadens me a little, if my family care for me so much, then why let me suffer for all those years ?

    Being someone your not and having depression on top of that, is a terrible thing, it kinda eats away at you, not all at once but slowly over time, a bit like hollowing a melon out, from the outside everything looks ok, but there is nothing left in the middle.

    I'm sure I have said this before, but "If nothing changes, then nothing will change", so I've stopped waiting for other folks to make the changes for me in my life, I am the one that's cocked it up in the first place, I have to take responcibilty for that, after all it is "my" life, no one elses.

    So for now, I''m feeling better, I guess hitting 40 has been a good thing, I know now that I don't want to carry on traveling the same road I have been, and the only person that can truely change the direction of my life is me, so I have made a start, I told my little brother that his childhood hero (me) plays for the pink team, and always has, he doesn't like it, and he's not massively comfortable with talking about it, but he'll get over over, so for me, something has changed and in little ways, will keep on changing, like yesturday, I walked into my local WH Smith and bought a copy of "attitude" (a gay magazine) and guess what the sky didn't open, there were no lightning bolts, I didn't get stoned, or thrown to the lions on the way out.

    I guess this is turning into a message for ever one, its hard, but you can change things, it will hurt at time and not everyone will like it, but at some point, you have to look at the direction you are traveling in and decide if you realy want to carry on down that road, I don't, so things have to change, some changes might be good, some might be bad, but at least things won't be the same, because thats what got me into trouble in the first place.

    Take care
    Have fun
    Be safe