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Holding it together

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sunnypseudo, Mar 3, 2016.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    So I've been trying to stay connected to the chat but I can't seem to bring myself to actually talk live about real issues. I had a break down yesterday and I still couldn't do it. I just stared petrified at my screen too scared to talk. I can talk about nothing sometimes, I can try to talk about other people's problems, usually better than that than my own. At any rate though, here I am, alive, here, and one more day. Last day of being unsupervised unless you count animals. When the noise gets too loud though, when my head is too loud, I don't see them anymore so I'm working very hard at trying not to let that happen by getting a jump start on here today.

    The whether is bad, it hurts so much to walk, my hands hurt so I don't think I will be able to work today. I have two commissions to finish, one is paid the other is for my daughter but its still very important for me to finish. I really just want to get it done. Its all I've wanted to do over the past week. I was trying to remind myself of immediate interests last night by looking into replacing art supplies that NEED to be replaced. I had found it interesting reading reviews and looking forward sharing smell memories with some of the inks I was reading about.

    But this morning, it hurts to sit, breathe, move my fingers, my husband last night.. just.. I feel like I should have never told him. I dread tomorrow as well as need it. I need to see my doctor. I don't want to now, I worry about the outcome. I'm worried how differently my husband is going to treat me from here on out. Things will never be the same again will they?

    I still can't help but wonder if God even forgives a suicidal heart. If He forgives despair.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I honestly don't know what to say but wanted to reply to show you that I care and you are understood and you are not alone. I hope things get better for you. As for talking in the chat room, it took me a year to build up the confidence to talk there, I know how you feel *hugs*
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Actually, it helps a lot to know that Petal, thank you.
    Petal likes this.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter


    I am so sorry hun. I do understand what pain can do to you (they are physical chronic pains, yes?). It takes a lot of strength to live with that, and there is times for me too where I just end up in a ball on my bed crying. But please know it's okay to have weak moments, as long as you continue the fight. It's not all over hun.


    Also, I have to confess I never even opened the chat room here... so no worries hun. If you ever want to talk you can send me a private message.

    Take care of yourself!
  5. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Yes it is chronic physical. And thank you guys for all the support, here in forum and a kind hearted chat buddy who kept me company today. I got through my last day of no supervision while this is so immediate.

    I'm still here. I'm breathing. It strangely feels like an accomplishment. I'm very glad I found this place.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am happy to hear you made it through! You should be proud of yourself hun! You did good!
    sunnypseudo likes this.
  7. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    Making it through the day IS an accomplishment. Never underestimate how strong you are inside. You are a FIGHTER. I'm sure you are cared about. Each day you survive is a WIN. Lemme know if I can help in any way. I'll be there I will be your friend. -Darius Rucker
    sunnypseudo likes this.