So I've been trying to stay connected to the chat but I can't seem to bring myself to actually talk live about real issues. I had a break down yesterday and I still couldn't do it. I just stared petrified at my screen too scared to talk. I can talk about nothing sometimes, I can try to talk about other people's problems, usually better than that than my own. At any rate though, here I am, alive, here, and one more day. Last day of being unsupervised unless you count animals. When the noise gets too loud though, when my head is too loud, I don't see them anymore so I'm working very hard at trying not to let that happen by getting a jump start on here today. The whether is bad, it hurts so much to walk, my hands hurt so I don't think I will be able to work today. I have two commissions to finish, one is paid the other is for my daughter but its still very important for me to finish. I really just want to get it done. Its all I've wanted to do over the past week. I was trying to remind myself of immediate interests last night by looking into replacing art supplies that NEED to be replaced. I had found it interesting reading reviews and looking forward sharing smell memories with some of the inks I was reading about. But this morning, it hurts to sit, breathe, move my fingers, my husband last night.. just.. I feel like I should have never told him. I dread tomorrow as well as need it. I need to see my doctor. I don't want to now, I worry about the outcome. I'm worried how differently my husband is going to treat me from here on out. Things will never be the same again will they? I still can't help but wonder if God even forgives a suicidal heart. If He forgives despair.