Holding on for my son

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jaysinn, Jun 24, 2010.

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  1. jaysinn

    jaysinn New Member

    I've been suicidal several times in my life. Today I stand facing this mess again, only this time no one is around to bail me out.

    My fiance and I broke up 2 weeks ago. She loves me, but isn't in love with me. She is my best friend, she is my only confidant, she is my world. And now she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    We have a 19 month old son...we have a 19 month old son.

    Everyone says I need to be strong for him. I need to hang on for him. Things will get better. No one knows how I'm feeling. The only other person in the world that I've ever felt such a bond with was my aunt. I was an abused child and my mother didn't seem to care. I only had my aunt to run to when I needed some one. She passed away after long, painful fight against cancer in 2004.

    I have never loved anyone the way I love my Erin. I haven't treated her perfectly and I (obviously) have my problems. But she made me feel things I didn't know I could ever feel. She made me want to get married and have a family of my own. Now she has taken that all away and I'm expected to just be okay with it and move on to the next one.

    I am weak and I am so hopelessly, pathetically in denial and love for my former fiance. I can not accept not having her in my life.

    Our son was born with gastroschisis in November of 2008. They took by Cesarian and I stood by her while they took him away to assess the risk and prep him for surgery. I went with him to the NICU, holding his little hand through his plastic box, leaving his mother, the love of my life laying there cut open and scared out of her mind. I watched them shove tubes and needles into my son and paralyze him. I watched a man pushing a button to breath for him.

    He spent 3 weeks in the NICU and it was the scariest time of my life...until now.

    I'm at the jumping off point, but I love my son so much I don't ever want him to blame himself or his mother for my suicide. I don't want him to hate me or his mother for my suicide. I don't want him to suffer the way I did when my father wasn't around by his own choice. I don't want to not know him or him to not know me. But I'm hurting so much and I'm in complete misery.

    Help me.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you're hurting. :hug: And I know that there are no words I can say to take the pain away. But your son does need you. You can get through this, and the pain won't always be as intense.

    Here if you need someone to talk to.
  3. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    First off, i am sorry to hear about your happenings in the last little bit. But, i do know that your son does need you very much. Everyone deserve to grow up with both a mother and a father. And a son, espeically, a son, needs to grow up with a manly figure in his life. I'm sure it would pain your ex-fiance to have to tell your son when he gets old enough to understand that you took your own life. I think your son would be devastated to find out about this and I dont think you ex-fiance wants to have to explain that to him as well. Just think about the times that you had that were good and you want to remember. hold tight to those times and hope and pray that things will get better. I'm sorry, once again for everything thats happening and hope things get better for you soon. :hug:
  4. jaysinn

    jaysinn New Member

    I have asked a doctor to talk with me about medication.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi jaysinn and welcome to SuicideForum. Sorry to hear that you're suffering so much due to your fiance leaving you. If you really want her back, you will have to convince her that it will be best for you and your son if you got back together. Children need both of their parents in their lives, so they will have the best chance at having a normal childhood.

    Your son will really need you when he is older and needs his father to teach him about the ways of the world. Boys need their father in their lives and for that for that reason, suicide can't be an option for you. You have to be strong and pull yourself together. Life can be difficult, but you can't let it get the better of you. Hope this helps. Don't give up hope. :hug:
  6. Henri

    Henri Member

    Im going through the exact same thing. My wife left me after 13 years of marriage and 3 young children. 9,3 and 1 years old. Its been 4 months since she left. Some days are better than others now but it hurts like hell. I dont know that id wish this pain on the devil himself. I constantly struggle with myself wanting to take my own life. I look for ways that my children will still have a good life without me. They might, they might not, but they will ask the question why if I did it. Ive been to therapy and Im currently on medication. Thats all I can do. I cant say that I will or wont do it, but I can say, I know just how you feel and your not alone. Take it day by day. Find as much support as you can. Never ever sit around alone. Find someone, do something. My heart and prayers go out to you.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I hope that you too Henri can find the strength to carry on and take care of your 3 children. :hug:
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Please know that whatever you are going through, that you are not alone. There is someone who cares and that will never leave you alone in your despair. He is my rock and my salvation. He can be yours too. Turn to him, and give him your problems. He can bear them all. I too am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend?Blessings..
  9. jaysinn

    jaysinn New Member

    I'm going to be taking Celexa. Anyone have any experience with it?
  10. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    My sister's best friend is on Celexa, and she's said it's worked wonders for her! The dosages have had to be modified on occasion, but her experiences with it have all been great!
  11. jaysinn

    jaysinn New Member

    Good to hear. Thank you, so much.
  12. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    Jaysinn, one thing stands out about what you've written: "But she made me feel things I didn't know I could ever feel. She made me want to get married and have a family of my own."

    Anytime a relationship ends, we go through a period of mourning. However remember, if you could feel so much happiness before, you can feel it again.

    If you need anymore reason to live, then think of your little boy every day...and work to enrich his life, both by protecting him, and by being a part of his life!
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Everyone deserves two parents
  14. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    It could be worse. You could have my life where my disease (Asperger's Syndrome) prevents me from finding significant others and a sense of belonging. You could also have people believe that you don't have any options.

    I wish I could've been fortunate to start my life in a 3rd world country starving. It'd top my current situation. Those people starving in 3rd world countries are living kick-ass enjoyable lives compared to me.
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