I've been suicidal several times in my life. Today I stand facing this mess again, only this time no one is around to bail me out. My fiance and I broke up 2 weeks ago. She loves me, but isn't in love with me. She is my best friend, she is my only confidant, she is my world. And now she doesn't want to be with me anymore. We have a 19 month old son...we have a 19 month old son. Everyone says I need to be strong for him. I need to hang on for him. Things will get better. No one knows how I'm feeling. The only other person in the world that I've ever felt such a bond with was my aunt. I was an abused child and my mother didn't seem to care. I only had my aunt to run to when I needed some one. She passed away after long, painful fight against cancer in 2004. I have never loved anyone the way I love my Erin. I haven't treated her perfectly and I (obviously) have my problems. But she made me feel things I didn't know I could ever feel. She made me want to get married and have a family of my own. Now she has taken that all away and I'm expected to just be okay with it and move on to the next one. I am weak and I am so hopelessly, pathetically in denial and love for my former fiance. I can not accept not having her in my life. Our son was born with gastroschisis in November of 2008. They took by Cesarian and I stood by her while they took him away to assess the risk and prep him for surgery. I went with him to the NICU, holding his little hand through his plastic box, leaving his mother, the love of my life laying there cut open and scared out of her mind. I watched them shove tubes and needles into my son and paralyze him. I watched a man pushing a button to breath for him. He spent 3 weeks in the NICU and it was the scariest time of my life...until now. I'm at the jumping off point, but I love my son so much I don't ever want him to blame himself or his mother for my suicide. I don't want him to hate me or his mother for my suicide. I don't want him to suffer the way I did when my father wasn't around by his own choice. I don't want to not know him or him to not know me. But I'm hurting so much and I'm in complete misery. Help me.