Holding on to junk

[Lane]

My fiance is a pack rat. We live 2000 miles away from each other, for now. We aren't young, 55 and 65. He says he feels old, I don't.

He has clothes, books, you name it, in his 2 bedroom condo. His garage is filled with skis, other people's stuff, (he likes to help other people). He can't put his car in his garage. He pays $150 per month for a storage unit which mainly consists of his deceased wife's clothes, furniture and I don't know what else. I'm on a tighter budget, so couldn't afford this.

I gently said that I couldn't move out there if things were like that. Eventually I do have to. How can he live like that? My children visit him because he lives in a ski town and they've told me that it's pretty bad. I care for him a lot, but this turns me off. The other night, he told me that he has to start paying $170 in Medicare and I said that he could get rid of the storage unit and he hung up the phone. Immature.

I like vintage things, I try to keep my house neat. My children do make it messy but it eventually it gets cleaned up.

We used to joke that my fiance was a ski bumm and now we don't. He's busy with two jobs, after retirement. Im kind and respectful to him. What makes people like this? Can they break out of this habit? I have a few items that I have that I cherish from many years ago. But I do get rid of stuff. Donate it. Throw it out. Maybe I'm not being understanding enough. I'm worried because I have to move there in a few years.

 

[seabird]

There's a person in my family like your fiance - they cannot let loose of stuff. When they retired and moved to rural Nevada from California, they had to make like a dozen trips to get ALL their collected stuff. Their wife was so hoping to finally be free of it, but the new place is just as packed as their smaller pace had been.
As far as I can tell, it's similar to an addiction or OCD. The person I'm referring to has some secrets which I guess he feels he needs to bury in all the junk. Some of it is interesting junk, but it's enough to fill 2 garage spaces floor to ceiling.

Maybe you and he could buy or rent a different place when you move there? Live close together but not in the same house?

hug @Lane

 

[Lane]

There's a person in my family like your fiance - they cannot let loose of stuff. When they retired and moved to rural Nevada from California, they had to make like a dozen trips to get ALL their collected stuff. Their wife was so hoping to finally be free of it, but the new place is just as packed as their smaller pace had been.
As far as I can tell, it's similar to an addiction or OCD. The person I'm referring to has some secrets which I guess he feels he needs to bury in all the junk. Some of it is interesting junk, but it's enough to fill 2 garage spaces floor to ceiling.

Maybe you and he could buy or rent a different place when you move there? Live close together but not in the same house?

hug @Lane

Thank you for the suggestion seabird and the hugs. That is an option because he could rent the place out since it is in a prime ski resort area. The thought of starting over fresh makes me happy. Alot of his furniture is farty too. Mine isn't super extravagant but it's mine and I worked for it.

This personality trait could be an addiction or OCD. He has adult ADHD. I try to understand and I really don't want to go back in the dating pool again, plus my children know and like him so I have to get a grip on what ails me. And his hoarding isn't cool. Maybe if I understood it better. Thank you again for giving me food for thought and also sharing the story of the couple you know. It means a lot

 

[Astrid78]

Hi @Lane I'm sorry to read this, as a tidy person who tosses everything I sympathize and feel your frustration.
My stepmother is like your fiance, however it's all put away into cupboards and drawers, she has some knickknacks set out but it's pretty tidy considering the amount of stuff she has. This was the compromise my father made with her cause he isn't like that.
Hoarding can be a severe mental illness. If he isn't willing to even discuss getting rid of things, just my opinion here, it probably won't change.
When we choose to love and tie ourselves to someone, this includes those things we don't like about them as well.
This may be one of things that you need to decide is a deal breaker or not. Being alone is always better than being aggravated everyday about someone you can't change.
It's funny because I logged on in part to post about my husband and accepting some things about him. And see this first thing.

 

[Lane]

Hi @Lane I'm sorry to read this, as a tidy person who tosses everything I sympathize and feel your frustration.
My stepmother is like your fiance, however it's all put away into cupboards and drawers, she has some knickknacks set out but it's pretty tidy considering the amount of stuff she has. This was the compromise my father made with her cause he isn't like that.
Hoarding can be a severe mental illness. If he isn't willing to even discuss getting rid of things, just my opinion here, it probably won't change.
When we choose to love and tie ourselves to someone, this includes those things we don't like about them as well.
This may be one of things that you need to decide is a deal breaker or not. Being alone is always better than being aggravated everyday about someone you can't change.
It's funny because I logged on in part to post about my husband and accepting some things about him. And see this first thing.

That is a coincidence Astrid. Thanks for your reply. I often think about deal breakers. I know that this relationship is my future and my security so I have to make it work. Lord help me 😁🥺. I hate to be negative. The good thing is we can talk.

I hope that you can think through and work out any relationship issues too.

 

[Astrid78]

That is a coincidence Astrid. Thanks for your reply. I often think about deal breakers. I know that this relationship is my future and my security so I have to make it work. Lord help me 😁🥺. I hate to be negative. The good thing is we can talk.

I hope that you can think through and work out any relationship issues too.

Apologies for the delayed response but I read this the other day that resonated with me and thought I'd share it here.
"We are told that our partners need to be perfect for us so we expect perfection from them"
Anyways hope all is well