Honestly, tonight was the closest I've ever come to going through with my plans. I've got a full bottle of sleeping pills sitting next to me and I thought, I'm going to drive out to that park and take them all and I will feel better in the morning. You just reach that breaking point where stress reaches up and starts smothering you, and you feel like there's nothing that can make it go away. My friends didn't answer their phones. My sister went out with her friends. All I had here was my cat. So thankfully I came on here, (I haven't been on in a while) and was reminded of all the helpful people. I read about making a crisis box (which I am most certainly doing as soon as I get a break) and I thought of all the damage I would be doing to the people I love if I went through with it. I'm still not feeling perfect. I never will, but I feel a small sense of calm, of peace almost, that makes me know I can hold on. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm holding on. It's not easy, but the right things rarely are. Thanks everybody.