The holidays are fast approaching and I feel like the Grinch. I dread it because with both my husband and I not working we can barely pay the bills, much less put gifts under the tree for our kids. Plus, without my mother here, I don't feel much like celebrating. Tonight my 10yr old daughter was writing a letter for Santa when she suddenly stopped, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and said "I wish I could ask Santa to bring grandma back". I tried to console her the best I could without totally breaking down myself, and simply told her so did I. Then she began asking the same questions we have been asking since her suicide..."why didn't she ask for help?"..."how could she leave us?". I told her the same things people have told me when I ask those questions, feeling angry at my mom again for having to try to explain this to my child. I just hope one day the holidays will be filled with joy again instead of them being sad and painful.