I know holidays are bad for a lot of people, but nothing makes me feel worse than being around my family. I can't come up with a single reason to stay alive, and that scares me. I don't even know what to say, except that today is one of the bad days and I'm trying to hang in there. My visualizations are getting more clear and I can practically feel my self doing it, I want to soo bad. Usually I can talk myself out of it, but today I just don't want to.