hollow and hopeless (trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SashaRenee, Mar 5, 2013.

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  1. SashaRenee

    SashaRenee New Member

    I don’t understand myself anymore. Some people say I’m just developing and finding myself as a young adult, but when you can’t even tell if something makes you happy or sad… I feel like there is more to it. I just look at my best/only friend, and I can remember all the times we laughed and how much I adore her, but at that moment I won’t feel anything. No love, no kindness, nothing. Sometimes she manages to make me smile, but I haven’t really laughed in a long time without being high. I’ve been numb for five years now, with very little improvement. I turned to drugs this past fall, and I feel better when I’m high, but the moment I come down… It’s back to apathy and hollowness.

    I’m on medication, and I see a counselor… But I just can’t find it in my to want to wake up again. My life is good, I have no real reason to feel so alone or unwanted. I have two jobs that I don’t hate, school isn’t the nightmare people portray it as, and my family life is okay-ish. My past is pretty rotten, but when I think about it now, I just don’t care anymore. Did I just teach myself not to feel anything?

    Hurting myself is an issue too. I crave it. This irrepressible urge to see blood, to feel the sting… All of it drives me crazy until I hurt myself. That, or I’m so numb, and so lifeless on the inside that I feel no urge to hurt myself but want to just curl up and close my eyes for the last time.

    There are little triggers in my life, like rude people or bad days… but lately it isn’t a matter of triggers… its just the impulse for pain… I don’t even enjoy sunshine anymore. All I can feel is an empty hollowness… It can’t be filled with anything now. I just want to cave inward into the hole and swallow myself up completely.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When we feel numb, we self-medicate and might resort to SH to know we are alive...i have been through that...have you spoken to your pdoc to let him/her know what is going on? What you are reporting might be a side effect of the medications...also, when speaking to your counselor, do you talk about what might have set this off? For me, it was a deep and haunting shame which I perceived being worse to feel than numbness...I was wrong...although working through the shame was painful and difficult, it did open an avenue to be in the world again.
     
  3. SashaRenee

    SashaRenee New Member

    I don’t feel comfortable bringing up how I’m feeling to my counselor. She thinks I’ve moved past it and am improving. I guess I just got better at faking a smile. I don’t want to disappoint her or my mom by telling them that I’m still feeling this way. I used to feel ugly, unloved, filthy, and rejected…. Now I don’t feel anything. I honestly don’t know if working back through all those feelings would help anymore. Being numb just seems easier… or not being at all.
     
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