holy f*&#

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Jun 17, 2011.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    It's my mums birthday today. How depressing that I need to rant about a day I should be celebrating. Such is life I guess. I don't see my mum, she severed all contact with me when I was 14, though occasionally gets in touch to threaten me, or beat me up or just tell me to kill myself.. not exactly the most healthy or normal mother-daughter relationship. Last year I sent her a card, just because.. she is my mum and I love her, though it's clearly not reciprocated. Anyway, sent her a card, and the response I got was a letter calling me all the names under the sun, and how I was the biggest mistake she ever made, she should have aborted me, I'm a waste of space, and everything that happened when I was child I deserved and wanted.. same old stuff she spouts every time she gets in contact. Doesn't make it hurt any less after hearing it hundreds of times though. And after what my childhood was like, what she did to me, what she let others do to me.. she doesn't even care. That fact should have sunk into my stupid fucking brain by now, but it hasn't. I still hope she'll change, she'll want me, she'll love me. But realistically, how can she do any of those things, when she never loved me in the first place? Shit. I wanted to send her a card, I wanted to be a normal fucking daughter, and send my mum a card on her a birthday.. but I already know what the outcome will be. And that really fucking hurts. It's a good job I am away for this, else I would have convinced myself to send her a card. Urgh. Her parenting skills have greatly contributed to the 12+ years of poor mental health I've gone through, but she still gets to maintain her life. She tells people she doesn't have any children. I genuinely don't exist to her, unless she is high, drunk or in one of her sadistic moods. There is no point in writing this, but holy shit, this is hurting me. I wish I could hate her. Why can't I hate her? Why does this stupid shitty day affect me still? Why the fuck aren't I over this?

    Shit shit shit.. :cry:
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I'm lost for words Donna, and you know me, thats rare.
    I need to think about this.
    But tell you something, i do care what happens to you.
    I hope you find happiness with this new person in your life.
    You, of all people, so deserve it.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I know it hurts, but I'm glad you didn't send her a card. She doesn't deserve one.

    Wish there was more I could say, just wanted you to know I read your post, and I'm sorry she's so cruel to you.
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey you :hugtackles:

    im sorry hun. you didn't deserve to be treated like that and it isn't your fault. remember that :hug: sometimes its best to walk away from some relationships, even if its your mother.... it's sad - but it hold too much potential for harm and can never be healthy :hug: just know am thinking of you.x
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun she is your mother so being the person you are of course you love her.
    The thing is she will never change she is that ill that all she cares about is herself and hurting others.
    Best thing you can do for YOU hun is to keep a safe distance away okay Move on with your life now and if and when she contacts you so be it but don't let her abuse you anymore hugs to you.
  6. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. :sad:
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    thanks for the responses and kind words.. this year her birthday has just completely messed with my head. i know sending her a card would be the worst thing i could do, and in the long run i would just be making things worse for me, i just hoped that maybe this year she would like one, she would love me if i just sent her one. rationally i know that's ridiculous, there is no piece of evidence that would ever conclude to that outcome, i just wish rationality was easier to obtain at times like this. i have walked away long term from her, though i didn't have much choice given her responses and actions towards me, so that's a positive I suppose. i just need to try and get it into my head things are never gonna change.. she's never gonna want me, and nothing i do will change that. urgh fucking families. and it was fathers day which opens a whole other can of worms. why is everything so damn difficult?

    i seem to have spent the majority of the past few days crying and using very unhelpful methods as ways of coping :cry:

    thanks again for the responses though, and the hugs were much appreciated.
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    My "parents" are dead Donna and even if they were alive, they would still be dead to me.
    I have no words, im sorry.............all i have is empathy, im so lost on this one.
  9. pewster

    pewster Member

    I just wanted to reply because I have recently had something in the parents area happen to me, though not this bad.

    In my opinion family isn't connected by blood. Your mother isn't your mother if you do not exist to her so she doesn't deserve to even be in your thoughts. I'm not much of a hugger but here's a cyber hug for you :hugtackles:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2011
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry your mom is so cruel...No one should be treated that way bt there parents..You should write her off..I know that isn't a nice thing to say to anyone.. But when it affects you that way what else are you going to do..Change your phone number so she can't call you and verbally abuse you..There are alot of people out there who love you.. Especially here on the forum..I hope our words are comforting to you..Taske Care!!
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Lost
    sounds like you've done the right thing by not sending the card because of the repercussions

    your wanting to send her a card says wonderful things about you and your ability to love and forgive someone who has hurt you immensely..

    take care :hug:
  12. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    mmi.. thank you for your constant empathy. people may overlook just how understanding and caring you are.. i don't. it is much appreciated. i wish you didn't have to go through what you have gone through, but as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. be my proof that that's the case. i believe in you hon

    pewster.. thank you for your response. I agree in one sense that family doesn't neccessarily mean your biological family, it's just hard to get around that one when everyone is talking about their mom or their dad or about how amazing it was to go to the zoo with their mom. It's embarrassing to answer questions about my family with shrugs and grunts. I know I have a huge amount of jealousy and resentment for 'normal' people, and I need to attempt to address that.. just not sure how lol

    stranger1.. am I a weirdo for not finding her behaviour cruel? I think I've been told for so many years that I'm the one at fault that I am kinda under that belief. I assume she is innocent, and can't help the way she acts, whereas I am evil reincarnated.. lol, I'm more fucked up than I thought! I thank you though.. and I know if someone else had posted this I would have responded/thought the same. I appreciate your kind words. I don't feel overly liked within this forum, but maybe that's just me? I'm not sure. Everything is confusion to me. But once again, I genuinely do value and appreciate your response.

    IV2010.. wow. thank you so much for your thoughts about me and my personailty. I find it hard to find anything half positive about me, so your words meant more than you could know. I greatly appreciate it. I'm gonna try and stick to my guns and not send a card, no matter how much it hurts me. I hope I don't regret it
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do what protect you okay i hope you do not send card that in itself will send msg to your mom you will not be mistreated i hope you can find a way to heal all the pain inside hugs.