Holy freaking crap.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by catecholamine, Mar 8, 2015.

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  1. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I am bad. Bad. I have not slept in 2 days. I am manic. The only things I've eaten in the past 48 hours is 2 chicken strips, a few green olives, and half a slice of pizza. I've had, total, for the past 48hours, maybe 30oz of fluid. I'm obsessing over things, big time. Things I would never, ever do normally. Illegal drugs. I don't understand - I don't do drugs, not even weed, I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke. But I have now committed a crime (I have taken nothing. however). I don't understand, they have never held appeal for me before. And I want to die. So much. All these plans, crazy plans, ridiculous plans. Plans that could land me in jail if I failed. I've never even had a speeding ticket. Psychosis is coming on.
    I refuse to be hospitalized. I guess my case manager put me on the crisis follow up list. They called me friday, but I didn't answer. They just called me again....I did not answer.

    After this week, my case manager is going on a 2wk vacation. I will not have anyone to check in with during that time.

    This is the most unstable I've been in a long time...doing stupid shit....shit I never wanted to do before, shit I hated and despised.

    For 4 1/2 years I was bipolar. Now I got another diagnosis on top of it....I have developed schizophrenia.

    My life is over. There is no hope.

    Forget the meds. I'm done trying and suffering. What will be, will be.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering but there is hope in any situation. You have to remain strong and I strongly suggest that you continue to post here as we can support through the next couple weeks. If you to talk in private then please PM and I am happy to listen and support in anyway.
     
  3. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    My method should arrive likely tomorrow. I can't take this pain. I feel like I'd be sobbing and curled up in a ball if I was capable of crying any longer. You get to a point where you can't show anything, can't feel anything...anything but pain. I took my clozaril yesterday. Slept 27hrs straight.
    God...it hurts...my chest hurts because the emotional pain is so extreme. Feels like there is a hole in my chest, it's tight, with sharp pains.
    Not a panic attack. Had those, this isn't one. This is just deep, deep despair. There are not the words to adequately describe it. I need out of this. I've tried every med out there....even shock treatments...and am no better. I don't want it to end in suicide...it makes me more sad that it has to end this way. But I'm so weary, in so much pain, and there is no hope left.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Please do not act on any feelings as YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You need to stop thinking about methods and keep posting here for support. There is always hope and we must never forget that. We all suffer everyday and we get you through tough period of life. I think you deserve to be kinder to yourself as you seem to a nice person.
     
  5. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hey Catecholamine, I'm worried about what's going on for you. Did you buy something? I know you are in crisis right now - can you reach out to a friend or family to come and be with you? Please don't do anything without talking to someone, or a crisis line. It won't solve all your future but might help you get through the next 24 hours. Please come back and post.
     
  6. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    Yes, I did buy it. Likely it will arrive tomorrow. My case manager texted me to try to get me to come in and see him again (saw him on monday)... I told him no thanks. My roommate's birthday is saturday... I don't want to ruin his birthday, so I'll wait til after. So I am not in crisis at this very moment, but I am suffering.
     
  7. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you here. Do you feel better when you talk to your case manager? Is it worth going and just talking?
     
  8. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I feel better for the length of the conversation, just being able to tell the truth to someone face-to-face, so someone can know I am suffering while I hide it from everyone else. But it's a very temporary effect. I do not want to go see him now because I'm just a hair's breadth from being involuntarily hospitalized. I'm just not up for another hospitalization right now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2015
  9. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I hear you. Sometimes relief is just too temporary before the feelings come flooding back. Keep holding on.
     
  10. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    Cate :hugtackles:
    I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time, I wish there was something I could do to help, I'm here if you need me at any time!
    Stay safe beautiful!
     
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