when did i get so goddamn weak what the hell just happened? i was trucking along a little with the idea that i'd work it out. and, i mean, nothing has suddenly changed -- did someone flip a fucking switch? i can barely put up with myself anymore. a lot of fronts here and this happens all the time and every time i think i'm trucking along i get hit with one. it's fucking cold everywhere. i want out of this and everything. i'm so tired. what am i doing back in this mindset? why do i always go back into this mindset when things get a little bit much? i don't want to be destined for this lot in life, and i'm failing a lot of the wrong people right now. thinking about a lot of the wrong things. how come i can't crawl out of it? i've seen others crawl out of it. i've never been out of it for more than a few months, not since i can remember, but i can crawl too. i can crawl with the best of them, i just can't crawl out of it. something is fundamentally too not right and i'm such a fucking secret perfectionist and i don't feel well in so many ways. almost nothing i hate more than a lack of resilience, but there is nothing i hate more than myself but who would i be to murder someone just because i dislike her?