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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FBD, Nov 26, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    home for thanksgiving and all it makes me want to do is end it. i hate being here, i hate being around these people, and knowing im one of them makes me hate myself even more.

    i seriously cant stand this. i hate it. i just want to end it right now, i wont, i dont have the means, and with all the failed attempts, its hard to actually try again knowing ill probably fail. i do not want to fail. i cant stand being a failure yet again/even more than i already do.

    if i cant end it, i just wanna run away. i plan on it, im running once i get a chance, once i finish up the rent im going. i want to go and go to grad school, but even if i cant get in, im still running. i dont care if i work at mcdonalds for the rest of my life, i just cant be here anymore. i need to go far enough away so i never have to come home. so i can not come home for thanksgiving. i gotta say, its not much better anywhere else, but its the worst here.

    i mean even not at home, i still want to go away and disappear. but if i cant go away i at least want to be alone, and not have to deal with people and just, well i duno, but i cant handle this.

    i dont think this actually says anything, so sorry, but i had to get it out
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So glad you chose to post instead of disappearing from us...holidays truly stink...brings up so much and in such a concentrated way...presumed to be happy and things can be so painful...that is why we are here and I am sure there are so many, myself included, who understand the cost of the holidays...please PM me if I can help in any way, and thanks for sharing...big hugs, J
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. Is there a reason why you don't like being around your relatives for thanksgiving dinner? Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time when we get together with our family and give thanks for everything that we have. I don't think that running will really solve anything either. Maybe some time away from your family will do you good, but it's hard living on your own without much money.
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    being home and being around these people for me is like one giant trigger. its the memories of all the shit i went through as a kid here, all the failed attempts at ending it (which noone ever even noticed), the well, if you were to define it i guess most would call it abuse, but i dont think it was, the reminder of how miserable i was living here. knowing that even though my parents say they are proud of me, i really think they are ashamed of me, only because of the depression stuff.

    i mean i just dont do well with triggers, i never have. i can never stop myself from going into the racing thoughts and what i want to do what i should do, the desire to hurt myself and so on. being home for more than a day makes it almost impossible to deal with.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a way to limit your contact with them? When you go home, get out of the house, set limits, etc...knowing that they trigger you, what can you do to protect yourself?
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