Homosexual and suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ZigmondRoy, Dec 31, 2012.

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  1. ZigmondRoy

    ZigmondRoy New Member

    I really don't mean to sound whiny, but I hate living on this planet. I want to disappear and never come back. I wasn't meant to be here.
    I fantasize about suicide daily, and today had an urge to begin planning.
    I'm homosexual. I've realized that's never going to change. I've known since I was 7. I don't want to have to deal with spending a lifetime hiding and lying but promised myself at 13 that I would never, ever tell anyone my secret. Pretending I'm okay when I'm not. My parents would be so upset if they knew and I would cause the family endless shame. I feel like everyone would hate me. The whole world. I'm a burden to them and to to this world in which I don't belong. I feel I have no future, no hope. The only time I'm happy is when I sleep. Just die and it would all be over, painlessly (I've had enough pain already). I have no friends either. No one to talk to about my death wish.
    The other day someone told be how gay homosexuals are not better than murderers because of HIV/AIDS, and I suggested to him I might be gay. He said he hopes I die of AIDS. To feel hated by so many for something I am is the worst feeling I've ever had. So I feel I'm left with but one option, take my own life. I would be better off and so too would the world. Death seems rational to me.
  2. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Hey, you have it rough but it will get better for you. How old are you and where do you live? I ask because when you become of age, if you're in one of these rural places in the midwest that are not tolerant of gay folks, you could move and I assure you your life will get better. I'm not gay but I live in California and the majority of us support gay rights. I have many openly gay friends. You sound young - you just need to get through some stuff. Just know it will get better for you. So hang in there. Feel free to vent.
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Please, call someone and talk to them. I'm bi-, I have many friends who are LGBT, and they're all successful, brilliant, creative, spiritual, wonderful people! It does get better! Don't buy into the homophobic lies. :hug:
  4. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Whoever would tell you he hopes you die of AIDS is a worthless twat. I don't understand why anyone would be bothered by anyone else's sexual orientation. I find those who are, are either knuckle-dragging cave dwellers or religious lunatics.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2012
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am SO sorry things are this painful for you. Sadly you are not alone. Way too many people who are gay feel like they have to hide who they are. And that does lead to way too many suicidal people. I know this may sound inconcievable, but you may find that in the future you will not need to hide who you are. Even though it sounds impossible now.

    Did you know there is an amazing helpline that is set up for GBLT young people? Even harry potter himeslf, yes Daniel Radcliffe, endorses this website. I recommended to someone that he call there. They helped him. He liked it a lot. There is a 24 hour helpline. You can call. Even if they arent feeling suicidal right at the moment. Its not called a suicide line. Its a helpline for gay people who may or may not be feeling suicidal at the moment. They also have online help. You can sign up for a scheduled chat with someone to talk to. The website is called The trevor project. I hope you will check it out. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

    I am very sorry you encountered hate frrom that person. I wish you could believe that it is that persons problem and not yours. But I understand why you cannot believe that yet. However, I will know it for you. You are good. There is nothing wrong with you. Youre on the right track .... you were born this way. And thats good !!! If you decide to check out the trevor project and contact them, I would be curious to hear how it works out. Message me if you want !! You are good. No matter what some misled people think ( trying to be polite in what I wrote about those people)
    :hug: :arms: :heart:
  6. ZigmondRoy

    ZigmondRoy New Member

    I read somewhere a third of all suicides happen among homosexuals and I can't help but to think I'd be another statistic. At the same time, no one even knows about me, so the only way someone would find out is if I wrote it in a letter. When there's so much unhappiness I know will never end, there really is no point to live on. It's like trying to fight against something you know is never going to be conquered. When am I going to realize enough is enough? My problem is insidious and I refuse to talk to anyone about in real life, so here I am in my self pity hoping I die soon. Maybe I'll finally feel like I belong among the suicidal. I've always felt like I don't belong and wasn't meant for the world. I've been thinking a lot the past couple months about what I could write in my suicide note for my parents and my brother going back and forth about whether I should include my repressed homosexuality. I feel so alone and while my parents support me financially and everything, I feel so unsupported. People here probably think the reason I want to kill myself, my not feeling like I belong, isn't a good reason at all given I'm fed and given housing etc., but it means so little to me if I'll never know what it's like to be accepted or live the rest of my life with such internal conflict and strife. There's so little in my life that motivates me anymore.
  7. historian

    historian New Member


    I'm not gay so I can't really know how bad things are for you, but I read a news story about suicide amongst teenage homosexuals and the 'it gets better project'. It's sort of stuck with me. I hope it helps.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    lack of emotional support about something so core, is devistating. Please keep posting here. Because I can see that people do care. I hope you will not completely reject the idea of also finding an online community of gay people where you can be completely annonynmous. I know for sure that there are many awesome people out there who are gay. I am not gay. But I know and respect many people who are. Being gay is no better or worse than being hetero. Please do not give up on the future. Way too many of us project the past and present on to the future. But truthfully, we can never know what the future would bring Please dont rob yourself of the small miracles that the future might bring. Keep posting here. Please.
  9. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    One thing to look at is the mis-information that people have about HIV/AIDS and how they use it against gays. Some Christians do the same thing with the Bible - misusing it to further their own fear and prejudice. You can battle against these sick people by loading yourself up with information and using it to show them their ignorance and meanness. You may not change their minds, but you can at least have the weapon of Truth! Then you can just call whomever it is a "twat", and that will feel better. I promise. ;)
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