Honestly life...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by justMe7, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Are you going to finish me off or keep letting me whittle down? I'm tired of everything that works... I'm tired of being placed in all your fucking places or being quiet so I don't upset anyone or any fucking groups.
    I'm tired of all this shit.. one moment of energy... but back to not having any energy because IM tired of seeing it being abused, wasted and fizzle... THAT kills. Fuck the world, fuck all the people in the world and fuck your beliefes and feelings and thoughts. There is so... much of nothing that makes sense. It's just all another game to extend the game of bullshit. What are the points? ....
    Nothing feels right... nothing lets me feel alive. I just fucking fit into what you give me.

    I can't even listen to music, get out of bed... i dont care. I've let my body break down.. I've let my mind Forget precious understandings and endurances. I've let these stupid idiot tool way of thinking into my life. I've let ... .blame blame... but still true... i've let this decaying limited "who cares" mentality into my soul. I've let a beta personality flourish across my body and thoughts. I take a backseat for anyone and anything... why don't you all leave me alone? I don't really care... what are you trying to share or experience? I can bet it's fucking useless for me.... BUT ILL PLAY ALONG

    starved of something that doesnt exist anymore. Either that or I've just forgotten or embroiled my life in limitations that blind and numb my senses. My connections are decayed, my anger is hidden, my dreams are protected to the point I won't believe or acknolwdge another one. I feel I just want to breathe and disappear.

    Once again... back to being unable to take charge of my own life in this world. Once again... I leave myself completely neutered.

    Sigh... this aint helping. I'm so tired and past the bullshit. Whatever you say or do... you can't lie to me anymore. You can't falsely stimulate me... but here we go...
    So much bullshit... so much falseity... i dont see why id want to chase my own fucking tail or SELL the rest of whats left of my soul so I can make a fucking medium... but that's just one of the many fucking parts of this life..

    Everything that made me who I was has been deconstructed. I can barely recall anything, let alone guiding principles and perceptions that I had. Fuck I can't ... i really donno why I would. I cannot stand ....

    I failed... and im tired of sticking around watching
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Blakey, and missed you...what is going on? Please PM me if I can help or give you caring and support
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Thanks sadeyes. Just alot that has for the past years been slipping more and more over my head. It's sorta taking it's toll recently. There is no real point in anything, but there is I suppose. It's all relative. I'm just.. i have no control over anything. From my body, to any form of expression, to my life, to my surroundings, to even the connection to the country im in or my home country.
    Idk what's up.. theres just too much, and I always know it's very minute compared to other peoples problems. They just don't stop. And I compromise. Again, and again.. and again. I snap back and do irregular things, but it's my way of reminding myself of the irregularity of the situations i've allowed myself to fall in. I feel no balance, no par.. just complete and utter bullshit coupled with a degree of care. I can't stand this care, but at this point I'd be dead more than likely. Simply put I would have either sorted myself out on my own or decayed rapidly. But now.. it's extremely slowly. I physically am in shambles. It's disheartening. It's horrific to me, my skin is destroyed from scratchnig and allergic reactions, and possible physcological stress. But one knick, one drag, one destructive graze makes me feel.. something real. NOT bullshit, not sugar coated, and not a guilt trip.
    I feel absolute shame, at what I've allowed myself to be. I keep getting flashbacks to being a kid in elemntry school at times. They're rather fluid and short, but it's troubleing. It's almost as if im trying to remind myself or im mentally decaying. I dont know. It doesn't particularly matter imo. It's at best my own self reminding myself of who I was, or who I am. But the conflict that I feel all the time with the thingsaround me is .. who cares. I've logically peeled myself to a place that's awkwardly dangerous. Atleast imo. Which makes it comical. I dont talk anymore.. i dont have any interests really. I just stimulate myself doing the most annoying things if I even bother to do them.

    I dont know anymore... this is my nightmare.. it's ... painfully annoying to have all these views and feelings but absolutely NO way of expressing them except on a blasted screen. I just tuned out to touching with them because im tired of seeing and feeling Nothing come true.
    And I hate the understandings... There are ALWAYS understandings and ways to rationalise and explain situations. It's fucking insane and annoying when someone can loop everything in a nice neat box with a ribbon and justify or constrast the entire situation to life. I'll fight that shit.. but I can't fight for what I want because of the uselessness that is me. Sorta boils down to a contrast of my time in my existence, coupled with my ability to retain and maintain.
    I'ts frustrating because Im sure i knew I was capable of sorting and growing through this shit. But instead it's decaying... nothings happening because im doing nothing. Because I can't remember or care or MORE and more shit comes the way... I refuse to give up on the beginning to "start" over or BEND AND KEEL OVER and compromise on the best of things to declare them obscure and lost, especially in others. It's fucking rediculous this world. It adds more and more FUCKING new shit but refuses to even connect and acknolwedge .... stuff.. that I can't touch with atm. Mabye i could have at one point, or I bullshitted myself into believing I ..

    fuck a prewritten life. fuck a life with someone above me. Fuck a life where I feel less. Fuck a life where I see so much abuse and confusion.... fuck a life like this.
    I can't even comprehend this particular point in my life because i might destroy myself by realistically seeing how i came to this point and contrasting it to everything.
    It's like a cycle, and IM Tired of cycles. Especially if nothing productive comes out of it. Nothings coming out of me.. i think im devouring whatever im made of just to feel as alive as i can... and im painfully tired of it. This is not normal.

    tbh i have a big mouth and a small brain... re-adjusting and -reteaching myself patience restraint awareness... direction...
    For some FUCKED UP REASON i care about my species. be that from the injection of others at a young age, or the fact that I feel everyone is free, and the negativity in life is created by what we house and enforce... ... im not making sense. But fuck the world and everyone in it... dillusions probably left to distract from myself. Propagating drama to feel more alive by contrasting myself in or around humanity by indirectly injecting myself into a whole.
    Maybe im just tired of being alone. I feel blind now. but I seriously won't walk with fucking 90% of this shit. and anyhow? That shit would only be touched with if I was stable, im not . I don't eat, i dont care.. i dont go out... i dont move... i just shut down. Fuck groups, because I dont want to blame another life! I just... cant remember... i had all this sorted out along time ago. Now it's all jumbled, or unsaid. I can't move forward without knowing what im ..
    New and inventive ways of bullshit :( im tired.. tired of myself collapsing everything around me. Im tired of refusing to progress things. Now... I get moments where i feel what it's like to not have the abilities I naturally house. It feels like at time 100 years of life is crashing all at once. which is completely wrong. Something is totally fucked up. AND YET? Keep going????
    Or accept "our" way?

    :| what the fuck have i done to myself and those around me. I think i made a promise to always be me... but ........ this is seriously wrong.

    .... oh dear.. I suppose I feel a little better writting that. It's as nuts as i've allowed myself to be. It's still all wrong. It'll never be right it seems. I'll never see the truth.. why bother. Guess we try for reasons...
    you know.. i would be so happy if i could see something beautiful in everyone working together on a large scale. But realistically, it'd just get abused or snap under it's own weight for reasons... I'd just love to see some god damn progress. I know it's all over the place, .. just as much as deception adapts. And time ticks on... and in these moments life continue to suffer and endure through all the fucking shit I sit ontop of and am unware of or ignoring. A twat screaming in a system does nothing but stir chaos and empower even more idiots. So I stay quiet.. .like so many i think. I dont even like the way things are or the way they want things to be.

    man idk where the fuck im at, but ive defiantly steered a bit of course :(
    I need to just do shit and shut up, but im having trouble even just doing things that are natrually essential for my body and mind. Let alone all the social and progressive aspects. idk... bitch bitch bitch but i give or produce nothing benifical. It's staggaringly starting to become tiresome.
    I just wish I felt.. .and could bring some beautiful awarenesses alive in those moments.. and flow with them, and make life grow. Even just for me.. id share something.. but ... a fucking weakling has no buisness being around anyone or anything. It's contagious.... and i refuse to expand upon anymore darkness in life. And yet... i do.

    Im full of contradictions and it's driving me nuts to the point that things swirled to now.. where i dont even remember. Maybe im angry at the world and whats happening because i know it could be so much more, or that it's the last things i hold true to with what i am. Or that's just bullshit and it sounds nice. Probably bullshit... still true though. This shit in life is rediculous. but at the sametime... lifes full of so many amazing things.. im a bit overwhelmed because i dont think i see the simplistic amazement in life around me. Hard when i cant see myself too well, or feel myself... or think or be...
    :( Rarrr
    echoes of nothing i suppose

    x thanks for replying. I donno how to respond to all that, i suppose it's just a mental vomit. funnily enough, i dont feel much of a bump, release or wave from it. Just warmer. Could be this song though.. i cheat.. story of my life. Fuck you life. You left me to it. Maybe I asked you to... maybe i cried it to you... but at the end of the day.. dont give up on me just yet. Im trying to not give up on everyone and everything and it's so difficult to keep things firm and alive.. with respect to what their lives allow me to see and touch with. It's sodifficult.