honestly (trigger potential)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MdngtRain, Sep 16, 2013.

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  1. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling drunk without having had anything to drink. It's bringing a brutal honesty to the surface. I just need to put all this somewhere and hopefully I can address at least some of it with my T tomorrow.
    I won't be leaving the state. I know we moved here to save money and move back, but I don't think I will make it back. This is a more rational suicidal state than ever before (is that even possible?!). I'm not in danger of taking my life tonight, but the thoughts make it feel like an inevitability sometime soon. I know telling my T that will necessitate a longer conversation, and a heightened watch status. I don't want to be stopped whenever I choose to do it, so I doubt I will be too insistent on talking about it. While in the past my attempts have been in earnest, this one has long-term planning involved. I feel like my soul has finished what it needed to here and is ready to move on. I know a lot will not agree with that. I know a lot will call it selfish. To that I counter: isn't it selfish to force me to stay in this state of being when it's such torture? I'd only be staying because others don't want to deal with the hurt of losing me. Truth be told, I was lost a long time ago, this is just a shell. I'm not too hip on continuing my pain to ease someone else's. I know that had been a motto of mine for many years (I would take your pain as my own if it would mean you will be spared it), but it's just too much. Anyway, that's not really why I'm writing...
    Like I said, I feel drunk without taking any substances or drinking anything intoxicating. I feel compelled to finish my planning and say my goodbyes. I feel compelled to do this openly and honestly, but that would get me locked up "for my own protection." So I will do it quietly and behind everyone's backs. Tomorrow I will add my wife as the recipient of my tiny bank account, so that she can have that hundred bucks when I'm gone. I will be working on selling more of the reptiles. I won't sell the ones I had once told my wife were the red flags of herp sales (the ones I would not ever want to give up for any reason). I will simply leave instructions for her.
    My plans are longer-term though, so I have a bit yet. In the mean time, I have chosen to return to self-harm for some semblance of relief. I know it's not the smartest of choices, but it works, and I really need something that works just now. That I will talk to my T about tomorrow. I want to address feeling like a hypocrite for choosing to continue sh while also choosing therapy. I figure the therapy will buy my head some time, but it will be rough, so I need a release valve of some sort. I'm really overwhelmed by the feeling of never leaving this state again and returning to where I had re-built my life. I'm sure it has something to do with coming back to the site of most of the abuse, but it also feels like this was in the back of my head before I chose to move us back here. We figured our old cat would not be making the trip home, but I never consciously thought I would not be either... It's actually kinda scary. I would ask to go inpatient for a while, but I do not have insurance. NOTHING is worth going back to the county mental health crisis unit. I wish I had more resources. I wish I could do a day program (it would keep me out of trouble for a while), but the funds just are not there.
    I need to stop now... my head is swimming, and I think I need to opt for sleep tonight instead of an attempt. I am working on getting help, unfortunately, none of it really helps... my hopelessness comes from there... I feel eerily calm. Def need to talk to T about this tomorrow...
  2. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    What was the county mental health crisis unit like?
  3. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    ugh... dirty, lonely (they left me in observation by myself for 30 hours, no one to talk to, no checking in, and they took the sheets for the bed by 8am so I was forced to sit in the plastic chairs all day). The place was never cleaned, there was feces on the wall and the phone. I couldn't make any outgoing calls, the phone constantly cut out when I received calls... They never talked to me outside of the intake interview and then the discharge interview. It was the stereotypical facility you see in the old movies. The bathroom was disgusting (I don't think it had been cleaned in weeks). The ONLY plus was that they didn't have veggie meals so someone went out to the restaurant and grabbed me a decent dinner one night, but that was only 1 night. The other 5 meals I was stuck with stale pb & j... The only time they came in to check in was when another patient there began throwing things at the walls, ad then it was only to tell him to calm down or he will be placed into restraints.
    I've been to other hospitals before, and they were MILES above this place... At least there you had someone to check in with, a bed to rest in, and they actually cleaned (no feces caked on surfaces and urine in the corners).
    There's nothing quite like taking a depressed person and sticking them into a room with no distractions, coping resources, or people to talk to.
  4. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    I saw my t today. We did art. It was easier to tell her things while distracted slightly. I was able to tell her about all of the above (mostly. The session flew by). I was also able to ask for more support. That was a relief. The thoughts are still really dark, but I'm not so alone with them...
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