Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nbhmty23, Jan 7, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. nbhmty23

    nbhmty23 Member

    I was very close to suicide, only after my brother committed suicide when I was 17. having gone through that, it forced me into this crazy haze of depression and loneliness, and feeling that I had nothing to live for. if the smartest person I knew--the person I looked up to most.. could just leave...

    I remember it being such an easy decision , once I made up my mind. But on the other hand, having gone through , being left behind, on the opposite end of it, after months and months of locking myself up in my room thinking& plotting, ultimately I knew I could never, ever go through with killing myself...because of the very pain I felt...pain I witnessed my entire family, and all of his friends go through.. And to go through and rack my brain for any sort of clues. I was only 17, but I swore I knew it all. was atleast smart enough to have been able to tell ...but it wasn't until afterwards..sorting through it all.

    I am both a survivor of a dear one who took his own life, at the age of 24, and of suicide attempts. Now, seven years later...I am creeping up on my 24th birthday. It's still a little weird , being the age he was...then knowing i'll grow older than he was...

    It's hard when you are in that place. I've been there countless times since. And the only thing I can ever think of is that I do know I am not the first person to feel this way and also that I am not the last.

    I know that there are people that continue to deal with depression or loneliness.. or that it will probably come in waves like it tends to do.
    But it's that there is a light at the end of each wave. That's what makes it so bittersweet.

    The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. And I am a walking breathing proof of this.

    I am here, for ANYONE at all. Who wants to talk. Even not talk. Even if it's random chit chat :)
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry for you loss and glad you are still with us... thanks for posting.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are so smart for someone so young and yes it is hard and i am so glad you can see that suicide only passes our pain on to others You are strong in accepting that and fighting and winning You are a survivor I am so sorry for your loss his emotion pain had to be great to leave He just could not see clearly that day. I too lost my brother and i too will not leave even though i had thoughts of doing so i can't do that to my family. It is better to stop that cycle of suicide then continue it. Your brother will always be with you he will in your heart and he would be so proud of your for winning the fight. hugs
  4. nbhmty23

    nbhmty23 Member

    thank you so much for your kind words.
    I , too am sorry for your loss, and am so glad you are a survivor as well.

    every passing day is more bittersweet. but what's so hard for you when you ARE in that frame of mind, is to see past it, onto the future. the bigger picture. how for every ounce of darkness, there is light ..always. would you even know darkness, if it weren't for light? and vice versa?

    I now have an empathy for life, and tremendous compassion & an understanding for those around me, and those I have yet to meet, and for perfect strangers, that I would have never, ever had otherwise.

    All I can say to everyone is, you ARE worth it. You are worth life, and you can at least count on the fact that on this planet of billions of lives , you've got to know there is someone who has been there. (but more than likely, many many more than that)

    I do not believe that one man's pain is greater than the next. Simply because we are each different. And we are human. Who is anyone to judge anothers feelings about an issue. To feel is to be human. And although the pain hurts, and stings, and can seem neverending, it isn't.

    To feel pain, is also to feel at peace. to feel happiness. a chance. You all are worth it. You will get your chance to get pulled out of that darkness.

  5. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member


    I am sorry to hear about your loss, it can be a awfully hard thing at times. It seems like it passed his pain on to you. He will always be with you in your heart no matter what, feeling lonely is a very common when you are low and depressed it can sometimes haunt you and want to act in way's you'll regret so please stay strong. Feeling suicidal is not a uncommon feeling, so you are not alone, I have found you articles you may be interested in from TheSite.org

    Dealing with death

    Feeling suicidal

    And loneliness

    These three articles can be found
  6. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I love my brothers so much. They're so much better than me too. I really am proud of them. This world wouldn't be the same without them. I hate failing in life because it makes my family look bad and certainly doesn't help any of us to feel better about ourselves.

    Anyway I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your heart aches. This world can be so hard to live in. People we love ripped away from us. There're lots of people to love, though. We're all around bro. We're all brothers and sisters in this big human family.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.