Firstly, I've always been proud of my morals and personal ethics. I don't know who put me in charge to judge myself to be of such a high standard. Simply put - I have done things that I am not proud of. Some things I had no choice in, and some things I chose. That's neither here nor there, my point is that I am me, someone with great faults. Next, it appears I've become this attention ***** - for lack of a better term. Thirdly, when you ask me if I am okay, I will lie 99% of the time. That's for your benefit and mine. Sometimes I will ask someone if they have a minute or are busy etc., in the hope that they will reach back to me. But, when people actually do - I run away. I will say I'm fine and wander off or talk about the weather or similar. Please don't believe me. Fourthly, I consider many of you more than just online contacts or similar. Your support, whilst in pain yourselves, is a testament to your inner strength and empathy and is something I am very thankful for. Finally - I am scared. Of whats going on, of my impulsiveness at times, of being alone, of dealing with this on my own, of the nightmares, the memories, and the feelings. Will I? Won't I? When? How? So this is me being honest. Are the thoughts there? Absolutely. Will I admit that most of the time? Absolutely not.