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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 11, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Firstly, I've always been proud of my morals and personal ethics. I don't know who put me in charge to judge myself to be of such a high standard. Simply put - I have done things that I am not proud of. Some things I had no choice in, and some things I chose. That's neither here nor there, my point is that I am me, someone with great faults.

    Next, it appears I've become this attention ***** - for lack of a better term.

    Thirdly, when you ask me if I am okay, I will lie 99% of the time. That's for your benefit and mine. Sometimes I will ask someone if they have a minute or are busy etc., in the hope that they will reach back to me. But, when people actually do - I run away. I will say I'm fine and wander off or talk about the weather or similar. Please don't believe me.

    Fourthly, I consider many of you more than just online contacts or similar. Your support, whilst in pain yourselves, is a testament to your inner strength and empathy and is something I am very thankful for.

    Finally - I am scared. Of whats going on, of my impulsiveness at times, of being alone, of dealing with this on my own, of the nightmares, the memories, and the feelings. Will I? Won't I? When? How?

    So this is me being honest. Are the thoughts there? Absolutely. Will I admit that most of the time? Absolutely not. :(
  2. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i'm gonna bug you until you don't lie to me now. cool? we'll change that 99% down to a 75% (taking it slow). i do the exact same thing. semi-reach out and then run away. it's not helpful...

    still think about you everyday. you're not alone, okay?
  3. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I get that. And I hardly ever find anyone that I think would get me.

    I desperately want the support... the love... and equally desperately push it away when it arrives. Knowing and remembering every wrong I've ever done, while negating any positives. Wanting to verbalize my pain.... but feeling worthless, and inadequate, to receive it. I call it adult attachment disorder.

    I'm so sorry you are struggling.

    I'm sorry your thoughts will not grant you the peace and acceptance you so richly deserve.

    I wonder why its so easy for me to see your own value as that empathetic supporter of others here, while knowing that somewhere in your head... some voice will emphatically deny that this could be true... that if people "really" knew you, they would not love you. I hate that voice. And if I'm guessing right, I'm sorry it exists. And if I'm not, I'm sorry for guessing at all. You just created words that hit me tonight.

    I wish you strength to make it through the days and peace to make it through the nights.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is a very brave and refreshing post...thanks...and I surely do understand these types of battles within one's self
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((((gentle hugs))))

    I don't say it enough; Thank YOU for being there, for reminding me, how do I say, perhaps for reminding me i am not alone, that someone is out there and actually cared to check in on me (((hug))) thank you. I apologize, i disappear a lot either due to overload or pain -- i don't just disappear here, i disappear from life.

    Hey, maybe take a chance? Small steps...bit of a risk and see how things go? Just close your eyes and blurt it out;This is how I feel!! Then accept the support, kindness and caring of those who are here for you.

    You don't have to be alone with the nightmares, memories, feelings. Just log in here, let others know what is happening. (((gentle hug))) I think quite a few folks here understand these things.
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done for being honest Mo, I know its hard. I wish I could be there more at the times you find hard.
    Do you want or need to talk about things you have done?

    You are not an attention grabber, why do you think you are?
  7. Adonaeus

    Adonaeus New Member

    That sounded pretty honest to me. Now that you've isolated what about yourself gives you anxiety, the next step is to slowly make the changes in your life that you need. You'll probably find that your problems with yourself will get better piece by piece.

    I'd say that a good first step would be reaching out to someone, maybe even someone whom you hurt or think is hurting. I know how hard it is to open up to people--it's something I have struggled and still struggle with. Even so, I bet the people who really care about you would be more than happy to lend you some comfort. Hey, if you do it, I promise that I will too.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all, so very much. Really, your responses helped.

    So - today, this is me - :surrender: Having difficulties, not okay and dreading getting through the evening & night. :(
  9. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Does this quote ring true for you?

    "Aloneness is the joy of being just yourself. It is being joyous with yourself, it is enjoying your own company. There are very few people who enjoy their own company. And it is a very strange world: nobody enjoys his company and everybody wants others to enjoy his company! If they don't enjoy he feels insulted -- and alone he feels disgusted with himself. In fact, if YOU cannot enjoy your own company, who else is going to enjoy it?"


  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Not particularly at this very moment in time. Mind is mush, on overload right now and I know I need to try and get through this night safe.
  11. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    The remarkable thing about life is that it happens whether we feel like living or not. The mental will to live or to die is not related to life, but just ideas floating in our minds....life goes on regardless of what is in the mind.

    The mind will never blame itself. The blame goes to God, to life, to others, but nowhere does the mind think "well, all my confusing contradicting ideas are consuming all my energy". The mind doesn't know that it can't control life. But behind the mind is a consciousness that is watching all this and reporting on it on this forum. The mind isn't reporting here...right? The witnessing is about the mind.

    Who is the witness? You can change thoughts like you change clothes but the witness is steady...watching the whole thing. There's more to you than ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. You don't have to be stuck in thoughts but you do need help recognizing all of this.

    Seeing this stuff is the greatest challenge in life and once you do, in hindsight it will be realized that it was right under your nose the whole time, that you saw it, but that your training to live in ideas kept you from realizing where the confusion comes from that keeps the mind churning and consuming your enthusiasm to live.
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ron - I appreciate your efforts, I really do. I have a different outlook than what you stated but don't have the energy 'nor the motivation to respond at this time. Kindly leave it at that, thank you again.
  13. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Mo - still on ?
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all. Im sorry I haven't been a good support back. I hope you can find a good way forward. Take good care, I am sorry and thank you
  15. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Anytime...take care...Ron
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    please stay safe Mo... :hug:

    selfishly i need you to :arms:
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    There's a lot of support here for you Mo, I know it is hard to accept it but hopefully just the fact that it is here helps.
  18. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    (((((((Mo)))))))...Reaching out for help doesn't make you an attention *****! And support goes both ways. You've been there for me, and for so many of us, over and over again. I definitely understand and relate to the "I'm fine" lie. Sometimes it's just too exhausting to be honest. Just know that you CAN be honest, especially with those of us who genuinely care about you (and there are SO many of us). I know you have a hard time believing it, and I know I've said this to you many times before, but you are a truly good person who makes such a beautiful difference in the world. Every one of us has done things that we regret. We're all just trying to survive, moment by moment. I know it's hard to see the amazing person that we all see in you. I know that self-love is impossible right now (I could not relate more), so I wish you self-compassion, and I send you love and friendship. ...T :console:
  19. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Mo? (((((gentle hugs)))))

    What happened?

    Where did Mo go? :sad:
  20. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

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