Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin
The first time I said it out loud was to my psychiatrist. She acted like she heard it a hundred times though, so it wasn't that bad. I can't imagine telling family or a friend although I have thought about it. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea if you can't tell a counselor. I'd rather just keep it between my therapist and me though. I am too afraid of what someone would think if I told them.
Being a man, I have bever spoken to anyone about it, ever.
A few years ago, I decided it wasn't a matter of "if", but "when and how"
For a while there it was all I could think about, like something I had to do, but had forgoten, the sort of feeling you get when you come home from the supermarkt, only to realise you forgot to get orange juice, then every morning when you open the fridge and there is no orange juice to drink, you think I must get some tomorrow, or after work, if that makes any sense ?
It was only when the "when and how" became a real tangable thing, when I knew I was realy capable of considering and making such a thing happen, here in the real world, not just as thoughts in my head, that I was able to think clearly about what I was going to do and why.
For me, the knowing of why, was an important step, before that point, I had never really been as totaly and completely honst with myself, as I am now.
So here I am some 5 years later, still struggling, but still here, but at least now I know why I'm here and why I don't really deservse to be exiled to that other place quite just yet.
Its just a pitty this is the only place I can express that honesty.
I can be honest about my feelings about myself with most of my family and friends - but it's not always a good idea to be TOO open. Once bitten, twice shy. I'm honest with my counselor/Pdoc, cause I get out of it what I put into it, but there are always some things/feelings I keep to myself... just because I can, just because I want to.
I told my GP, but I was only able to because she asked.
My boyfriend knows I think about it because he started getting concerned about my behaviour and checked my Internet history, which involved my reserching methods, looking at where I could buy certain things and for how much, etc. I play it down with him a lot, and make it sound like I'm much better, because I feel like it would be selfish of me to scare him about it.
I could never tell my family.
I can be open with everyone on here, that's a given, which is really helpful .
I'm more open about my depression these days, I used to hide it from everyone but that became too exhausting. So most of my friends have at least some idea that I'm depressed, but no more than that.