hope and darkess

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Trylner, Nov 26, 2007.

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  1. Trylner

    Trylner New Member

    Life? It's always been a great mystery for me. I've lived 24 years that is how long i have spent on this earth. It's hard to imagine what you can accomplish in that time but i look back at what i have accomplished and sadly i see nothing but failure causing me to have no will to continue on. I knew that this was possible i even had a feeling that this is where my life would end up. The prediction i made that i would not live past 35 will probably come true. Everyday gets worse and worse my ability to deal or actually cope with my illness has made me grow into an empty shell. At first it was a great idea if i don't feel i won't hurt. It was hard and i never truly removed myself completely i knew in the back of my mind that i couldn't let myself block myself off. I shut myself off but i always figured that maybe one day i could go back to who i was. A happy optimistic individual. The hollowness of my shell is practically complete and the thoughts that drove me to this point are starting to push through again. I have always been able to ignore the thoughts but i truly do fear them. I know i am not evil but part of me is and this fact has always scared me. I was raised as a good person and that is what i truly want to be. I fear that all the years that i allowed myself to become a hollow shell has left me so devoid of hope that i can barely determine whether its worth fighting to continue. A weak voice cries out to not take that path but i feel with every decision i now make i am slowly heading toward the path of my own destruction.

    I would like to avoid this path but what can i do to avoid it? I believe that a purpose could fulfill any desires i could have but the biggest problem is determining what that purpose is. I once had dreamed of making a difference with the human race to help in the improvement of this world. Whenever i am in public i will help any who ask and may go out of the way to assist people who require it. I believe that their is a hope for humanity. As the years have gone. I worked in customer service jobs i've grown a dislike for most people. Not that i still don't wish to accomplish something in the world i feel that im not sure exactly what i need to do to accomplish this goal. Large goals are discouraging due to my pessimistic nature. Finding the negative is easy for me. Even with short term goals this cause a problem. Second guessing everything i do and the low self confidence hurt any of my actions. One day i hope to find something that i can devote myself fully to so that i may find some semblance of happiness but until that day i will suffer within my own mind.

    A true purpose. What could it really be. In my heart i truly wish that i could find true love. To find somebody that i could be with. To hold and be happy with. Their is one girl who holds a very special place in my heart and i think that she could be this one. Unfortunetly i fear, not rejection, but of failure. I cannot even love myself how would i ever be able to love somebody else. I've never really talked about myself to anybody. I'm very closed to everybody. I give glimpses of who i am. But nobody truly knows the monster inside of me. I'm afraid that the person i have shown and the person i am truly am will scare her off. She means a lot to me in my life and some of the best times i've had over the last few years have been with her. Sadly, my greatest fear is that i will be too cowardly to even see whether it would be worthwhile to even try and let somebody i love be pushed away by who i am.

    The greatest fear of not having her in my life would be the path it might send me on. To attempt and fail might break me. I may spiral off into a path of self destruction which i may not be able to recover. I don't mean i will end my life if i am rejected. Just that i fear what i may become and what hope for humanity that i still have will be lost and my hollow shell will be finally complete. The emptiness that may finally consume me and who i am to be lost forever to this world.

    The choice of what i will do won't be long as i have already set my mind to not be a coward and attempt what i most fear. I don't fully leave my fate in somebody else's hands but i feel that my decisions have always led me astray and that person even some people need to make a leap of faith even those terrified of heights.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    What you have accomplished is that you have made it this far and have found your way to SF. That alone is a great accomplishment. You realize somewhere deep within yourself that you are not a coward but rather a fighter. You fight to continue on. It is possibly one of the most challenging fights one can have in life. But you are still fighting. Hold on to whatever it is inside you that is giving you that strength. You need to keep reaching out like this and giving others a chance to help you in your fight. Although it is "your" fight, it helps to have others in your corner and helping to push you through the hard spots. Let the people here be in your corner. They can give you advice and information that can help you come out of this in the end. Be safe and pm if you like.
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