hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by porcelain_doll, Feb 26, 2012.

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  1. I've had suicidal feelings for years, but I always pulled through by telling myself that maybe one day life would be better. I always had a core of optimism. But I don't any more. I've lost every shred of hope, and I don't believe things will ever be any better. I really just want all this pain to be over.

    I've got nothing. No friends, no partner, no job, no future. I haven't left the house in a year. I feel like such a freak that I'm frightened to talk to people. The loneliness is killing me. I've tried asking for help, I tried explaining to family that I felt this way, and it only made me feel guilty for putting my troubles onto people who have enough of their own. I tried asking doctors for help, and got pills and a bipolar label instead.

    I had a childhood of violence and abuse. I tried to forget that and move on, I tried to make good choices and still ended up with boyfriends who raped me, beat me, cheated on me and treated me like the lowest *****. I'm a loving, gentle person, and I don't know why those things kept happening to me, when I didn't treat other people badly or do anything to deserve it. Other people seem to have normal lives and have friends, and loving partners. Those things seem like an impossibility to me.

    I just want this to be over. I just want to close my eyes and go. I'm just trying to work up the courage to do it. I don't know why I'm even writing this.
     
  2. IDeservetoDie

    IDeservetoDie Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    You've been through a lot but you're still here, which takes a lot of strength.

    I suggest if you're going to continue living at home, setting aside time each day to reflect on your past up to this point. It will be very painful and you will probably cry during these times, but it is important for coming to terms with yourself. Consider again seeing a psychiatrist or a very good psychologist, maybe they can help you work through what you've been through if you try this focusing on specific things in your past that really damaged you. It is only after you really love yourself that you can love another (hence why I'm single).

    You could start small, volunteering for a local cause that means something to you. I know it sounds crazy because of the stigma associated, but I recommend craigslist. I got my job and some volunteering opportunities I was very grateful for through craigslist. It can be fulfilling. Maybe even work part-time, just a few hours a week to start off slow. Volunteering could also help you surround yourself with people with similar interests and similar kind personalities, and would be a good way to start getting out more.

    If your housing allows and you can afford to give it a good life, adopt a cat or small dog. Animal companions are so good for depression because they do not judge, only love.

    You've been through so much already, you have the strength in you to turn this life around into something you love. It will take time though, and that can be the biggest challenge of all.

    I'm sorry if this wasn't any help to you.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    Hope is always there hun just sometimes dam depression makes it harder to see hugs
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    I am sorry that you have had things so hard. But you have survived, you are strong.
    Can you try going out for a little bit, say to a local library or shop? Then work up to volunteering, as the above poster says. This can be rewarding and low-pressure.
     
  5. Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    thanks everyone for the kind words. What you've all said makes sense, and I know that life will only get better if I try to change it. I'm kinda at a stage now where I've got no fight in me any more, and I've just given up on things. I don't want to be weak like this. I have thought of volunteering, but I'm so exhausted and demotivated, and I feel like such a freak that I haven't been able to make myself do it - I feel sure I'd screw it up, or that people would hate me. I'll research local options anyway, it couldn't hurt.

    that thing about how no-one can love you if you don't love yourself... I don't know how I feel about that. I always thought I wasn't a bad person, that I was worth loving, but the people in my life didn't seem to agree. You can only be fed the message of "you're worthless" for so long before it starts to ring true. If it was just one person who treated me like that, I could maybe dismiss it... but it's been everyone, my whole life. How do you hang onto self-esteem in those circumstances? But thanks for trying guys, I'm humbled that you took the time.
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    You do not seem weak, it sounds like you are depressed which is understandable after what you have been through. Depression has that effect, you feel bad all the time, no energy or motivation. But you can fight it, with this site and determination.The first thing is to start getting out of your place, just for a short daily walk.

    People have used you in the past, to make themselves feel better. Is it a repeating pattern?
    But that says nothing about you, you are a victim of their unpleasant ways.
     
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    I believe windlespoons to be perfectly right: There are those out there who will gravitate towards those that will take care of them, people who will be "care-takers," in other words. They will seek out individuals to take advantage of and drain of any and all resources--mentally, physically, spiritually etc. In fact, they essentially balance out the dynamic of the relationship insofar as you doing all the giving & they all the taking. Yes, I do believe in the old saying that "no good deed goes unpunished!" I've experienced it myself far too often, I'm afraid. So, no, it does not surprise me in the least that you have been the victim of such poor treatment. I do hope that you can forgive yourself, and not take on any of the blame, for you sound like you were only guilty of being a very nice person. It's too bad that that can be a crime these days! Take care of yourself, okay?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2012
  8. Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    Thanks Windlespoons. I try to tell myself "the people who've hurt me, their behaviour is about their own weakness and flaws, it's not about me". But it's hard to believe that when it keeps happening, and I start to think, maybe I do deserve it.

    MisterBGone - thanks for your thoughts. The hard thing is not to get cynical, and overwhelmed with distrust. I find myself believing that everyone is the same, that these bad things will keep happening, and that just adds to the sense of hopelessness. I think I isolate myself from the world because it's safer to not interact with it. When I do, bad things happen. I don't know how to break away from that fear, I can't live a normal life because I don't know how, I've been this way for so long. I want to change the way I think, but how? (rhetorical, lol. I don't expect answers to a question like that)
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    Well maybe you draw such people?
    Thoughts can be changed but first they must be understood. Have you done CBT?
     
  10. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Re: hope for the future kept me going for a long time, but now I don't have any hope

    The interesting thing to me is that you seem to already know all of the answers to your problems. This is a good thing! It all just depends on how you look at it. Try to be optimistic, if you can, even if it's only an act, you know like an actor would. This is your new role. Now play the part. No dice? Can you just....Forget the past? Probably not, but it might be a good start! How about letting go of all the past traumas? If nothing else, make a conscious effort to try not to think things through so thoroughly before you do them. For example, if you want to go shopping with somebody you just met, don't dissect all of the potential pitfalls, not only will this prevent you from even giving it a go, but if you do decide to do it, the likelihood of something bad happening probably increases dramatically if only by virtue of self-fulling prophecies..Ah, but look at me, a surer fool could not be found! HahhaH!! I know that once I start worrying it's hard to stop, so I usually just try my best not to start! Truthfully, don't get so down on yourself for not accomplishing certain tasks like leaving the house or even attaining particular relationships, it's too draining & does more harm than good. It's not as if you've got new and exciting things to learn from any perceived flaws, as I've already stated, you seem to have a good handle on your issues, now it's simply a matter of problem solving. Good Luck!
     
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