I've had suicidal feelings for years, but I always pulled through by telling myself that maybe one day life would be better. I always had a core of optimism. But I don't any more. I've lost every shred of hope, and I don't believe things will ever be any better. I really just want all this pain to be over. I've got nothing. No friends, no partner, no job, no future. I haven't left the house in a year. I feel like such a freak that I'm frightened to talk to people. The loneliness is killing me. I've tried asking for help, I tried explaining to family that I felt this way, and it only made me feel guilty for putting my troubles onto people who have enough of their own. I tried asking doctors for help, and got pills and a bipolar label instead. I had a childhood of violence and abuse. I tried to forget that and move on, I tried to make good choices and still ended up with boyfriends who raped me, beat me, cheated on me and treated me like the lowest *****. I'm a loving, gentle person, and I don't know why those things kept happening to me, when I didn't treat other people badly or do anything to deserve it. Other people seem to have normal lives and have friends, and loving partners. Those things seem like an impossibility to me. I just want this to be over. I just want to close my eyes and go. I'm just trying to work up the courage to do it. I don't know why I'm even writing this.