I know exactly why I want to be dead, and I know exactly what would make me a content happy person. But what do you do when you know it will never happen, no matter what you do or try. It hasn't happened for the past 16 years what makes me think it is going to happen in the future, there is only so much you can do and try before I just say why bother. Why continue trying, when you know its not going to happen. Why continue to live in sadness, just to make a few people happy because your not dead? I fight this demon in my mind daily, always fighting, never winning. I can only keep my mind occupied for so long before he emerges. I have tried and tried and tried. I am tired of trying, tired of fighting it, tired of clinging on non existent hope, invisible hope, pointless hope. Only one thing makes me happy, every new day is one more day closer to the end. That's a fact no matter what way you look at it. I might not die today, tomorrow, next week, in a years time, who knows, but it will come, and I am so looking forward to it, however and whenever it comes. hope go away and leave me be, I surrender, this game needs to be over.