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hope go away and leave me be

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DreamReaver, Oct 25, 2009.

  1. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    I know exactly why I want to be dead, and I know exactly what would make me a content happy person. But what do you do when you know it will never happen, no matter what you do or try. It hasn't happened for the past 16 years what makes me think it is going to happen in the future, there is only so much you can do and try before I just say why bother. Why continue trying, when you know its not going to happen. Why continue to live in sadness, just to make a few people happy because your not dead?

    I fight this demon in my mind daily, always fighting, never winning. I can only keep my mind occupied for so long before he emerges. I have tried and tried and tried. I am tired of trying, tired of fighting it, tired of clinging on non existent hope, invisible hope, pointless hope. Only one thing makes me happy, every new day is one more day closer to the end. That's a fact no matter what way you look at it. I might not die today, tomorrow, next week, in a years time, who knows, but it will come, and I am so looking forward to it, however and whenever it comes.

    hope go away and leave me be, I surrender, this game needs to be over.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What is the one thing that would make you happy?

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You won't know there is always hope somethings you just have to work very hard at to achieve them.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you tried to find some different hobbies?? Something to help distract your thoughts..I too am waiting for my time to end.. But I have quit torturing myself over it.. I live in constant isolation.. The only friends I have are the ones I have made here at the forum..Like you one day my time will come..But you have to find things you can do in the mean time..Keep posting here, you will make friends and it helps to have someone you can talk to who understands..
  5. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    Hobbies, I have been through lots of hobbies, I have my computer, my computer is my main hobby and has been one of few things that have been keep me occupied over the many years and when I work that keeps my mind clean of my usual thoughts.

    What would make me happy? Very simple, very normal for most people. Simply to have a family of my own, to be wanted. I have always wanted to have a family of my own, but first you actually have to be liked by someone. I use to imagine what it would be like to be happy, to have someone wanting to be with you, to have a family, to share common interests, to spend time with each and just talk and be with each other, etc., but not now.

    I am an only child, I grew up in the bush with no one around, just me and my dog and my other animals, and a friend down the road. Hated school, left home the instant I got my drivers license. (note: I could have not asked for better parents :) I have been alone my entire life, always lived by myself.

    Since I was around 16, I have always wanted a family of my own, why?, have no idea. So normal for most people, but for me its a fantasy. To even consider to have a family you have to be liked by someone first. Now to show how pathetic I really am. I have never had a girlfriend, never been on a date in my entire life.

    I have never had anything going for me, always been the ugliest, always been the stupidest, always first in all the negative categories, always picked on at school and through my adult life.

    I am 33 and never been with a woman, I have never been touched by a woman, never been kissed or anything close to like that, never been loved, hell, I have never even been liked by a woman let alone loved, I am so pathetic and that's an understatement.

    You might say I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Well you be hard on yourself to if you always got rejected and no one ever gave you chance and you simple don't know why. So you just assume the reasons why you are constantly rejected and unwanted. Your a nice guy but...................

    Wonder why I am so fucked in the head, Answer: my own creation, most likely, but I know what has contributed to it. Rejection, the unwillingness of any female to even give me a chance ever, to know who I am, and who I am really. Being overlooked for everything, failing at most things I do, being unwanted and it just continues. Yeah I am very introverted, very shy and don't like being around people. I am what I am, I have tried so hard to change, tried everything but in the end you cannot change what and who you are.

    There I have vented, let it all out. Sorry for all the text, but now you know why I am here, my last desperate attempt to find some help to change my thinking, reason, to continue, anything/something.

    In the end I could have just said: Always been lonely, alone and unwanted, don't want to be that any more.

    I know I should not be here, my problems are nothing compared to others.

    You can all now ridicule, laugh at me, you might not say it but I am sure you would be thinking it, really I don't give a fuck any more. My ending is coming soon enough. Too old for any of this shit any more. Sick of being unwanted and everything else.

  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    David, I have no reason to laugh at you or ridicule you, and no reason at all to lie about it. I think your problems are serious and there is no reason that anybody would take them lightly. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? If not, please write here, let it all out, I don't think that your problems don't matter, that they are less worthy or anything like that.
    As stupid as it may sound, if you go there won't be anyone here with such a vast collection of songs, I like your choice of music very much.
    Could you try for a momet to think about all the little things, like music, that bring at least a little bit of joy to you.
    Please stay with us :)
  7. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Why would anyone laugh at you? We are all screwed up basketcases here, one way or another:groupwave: (Okay, sometimes some wannabe preacher or therapist trolls in, but we chase them away ASAP) I was in exactly the same as you 10 years ago. Then I got touched by many women (perhaps too many) but I still have no real girlfriend now. Not even a job and a flat I could keep. And I also wish many times I would simply could lose the urge to breathe and turn into mushroom.
  8. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    I think it was good for me that I had a mental breakdown 10 yrs ago. Those were horrible 8 months, I'd never went through it again, not for a million dollars. But at least I opened myself to communicate with the world and was forced to take some control over my life. And the next few years were the best I ever had:wave: . Maybe something will happen to you too. Hopefully some easier lesson than mine.
  9. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    I have been thinking about your replies and really think it is almost time for me to go. I have be preparing for the next attempt for a little awhile now. Its all about timing for me, still awhile away though. Still some more things I need to do, but in the end I will be ready and if it fails again I will just prepare for the next time make adjustments, adapt and continue till I am successful.

    Talking is irrelevant, talking isn't going to change my situation, just lets of some steam for a short moment, before I go back to my usual self. Plus nearly everything seems to trigger me, so sort of a lost cause anyway. Talking also destroyed a friendship that meant everything to me, though surprisingly that does not effect me in my decision to want to die now or before, plus I wanted to die long before I knew them.

    The little things, yes I have them which can take my mind of my unwanted thoughts, like my music, my job, my computer games, my few friends. But once again they are only temporary, me wanting to be dead is much stronger than all that, it is a demon that cannot be silenced, believe I have tried almost everything to silence him, but he always emerges no matter what I do or try. I have been battling all this for such a long time now, I am tired of it, had enough.

    Mental break down or just snapping, done it many times before. Puts me over the edge and guess that's where I just reach my lowest of low and attempt to kill myself or get to the stage where I am literally moments of way attempting the deed. Though I only have officially attempted once and failed obviously, I have been moments away from doing it many times before, the fear of what happens if it fails stops me, but I have plan to overcome that fear :) and is currently in preparation. Will it work?, have no idea?

    Nothing will change no matter what i do or try, so I shall say again. Why bother? Loneliness, unwantedness, patheticness, it has all gotten to me, it is only a matter of time before i snap again and when i do, I don't want to try and repair it, well why would I want to and continue to be miserable the rest of my life, Fuck that shit. I have had enough of it, enough of it all.
  10. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    i've had suicide attempts from 12. until 23. yr, after that only my kids made me not try it again, there were years when I did'nt want to die and had no such thought, but all in all ever since I can remember it was my wish rather to leave this world then to live in it, at the beginning of this year I came to the point of hating my kids coz they were the only reason I stayed alive and then I decided -if i'm goin to stay alive i'm goin to make my life as enjoyable for me as possible,
    which brings me to this
    music is my life, couldn't live without it, my dog also, I talk to him as if he were human, and humour, of any kind, but all of that cannot replace what i want most of all - to be with someone who I will love and he'll love me back, I have a best friend for 30 yrs, 2 more friends, also very good people, friends on facebook, here too, and all that is very nice, but I spend all my free time on the net just because I feel so lonely it physically hurts me, when I think of it i start crying, i feel the pain in the chest and nothing helps, no music, dog, SF, FB, not anything
    I've been hurt in almost every relationship and still want to be with someone, how is that possible i ask myself?, Am i some kind of freak who yearns for something that brought me so much grief? My doctor says it's all natural, part of who we are is desire to be with someone.
    So, as strange as it may seem to you all of us who are lonely, whether we were with someone or not, have the same desire, you as much as me with all my failed previous relationships, my kids and good friends and all the people in RL and on the net.
    Do you have any therapy, see a doctor? I don't have much confidence in meds, but they do help, some people more, some less, and talking to the dotors as well as reading some books helped me understand some things and made my life a little better. You work with kids? Do you like your job? What exactly do you do?
    I wrote all this just to make you ask yourself whether you have thought of everything, I know I can't make you stop, I don't have that illusion, but I hope I can make you reconsider. I don't beleive in hell or reincarnation, but one of the things that made me reconsider my plans for suicide is wondering what if there is something like that, who knows really what is waiting on the other side? And curiosity, what is still waiting for me in this life, and I don't mean just my kids, what will happen to them, but myself, what will happen to me. I have realized that while I sit and do nothing, nothing will change, but if I try to do something, even if it is just sitting here and surfing it did bring me some joy, in this year or so i've been on the net I've met people from all over the world, I learnt some new info abt depression, i've heard others' experiences with suicide, I talk to others abt things that ineterest me like music and zen, and sometimes it makes my life just bearable, sometimes enjoyable. And although the fact remains - loneliness is still my biggest pain, I overcome it with all the other feelings I get from interacting with people and learning new things.
    I do hope you reconsider.
  11. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    Doctor and medication, been there done that.

    Friends i have a few, most that i have know since school, i don't remember the last time i made a good friend, well one that hasn't stopped talking to me for what ever reason, though most of the time it is my fault why they stop talking to me.

    I work as a childcare worker, so basically looking after 2 to 5 years olds most of the time depending which age group room i am in. Love the job, even though i am not very good at it and only just recently got it, like 2 months ago. Its impossible to be sad with kids, they keep you too busy. But at the same time when i do have time time to think while work the demon sneak back. Yeah I know i am a lost cause. What i actually do at work?, well make sure the children are having fun, are safe, look after them if they hurt themselves, feed them, like being a parent with really strict rules/guidelines on how to look after the children because children come first no matter what, they are our future after all.

    I am not religious, what happens after death? nothing i would imagine, blackness, just like being asleep. And if i am wrong, well can't be worse than what it is now.

    No one would miss me, except family, well my parents, don't really have any other family and friends would get over it easily enough, and if not well like i said before, i am not going to stay alive just to make others happy. Selfish I know, but hey i really don't care anymore. Been depressed for too long to change it.
  12. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I wonder, how do you know you're not very good at your job? You seem to like it very much and it's so important that people who work with kids love their job, more important then their training. I'm saying this because both my kids were in nurseries and pre-schools, the only people who can work there are those who have graduated at the Teachers' college, so they all have the same training. But, they don't all like their job and it is so visible, no one can hide that.
    If you like what you do the kids we'll be fine and the parents will recognize that. And if you want to do it better you can read the books, get to know what's new in that area from the net,... Just a thought, something to keep you occupied and worth living for, as you say - kids are our future.
  13. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    Yes I am trained in childcare, doesn't mean I am good at it, I think I am just too nice to the children, I don't have a temper or aggressive streak in me, so the children just walk all over me when they are being over active. Even when you do try to put your foot down they just ignore me, I think they can tell that I am too nice and can see the type of person I am without even knowing me. Maybe that my entire problem, being too nice and no temper/aggression. But that's me I cannot change who I am.
  14. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I thought I could never change. I was very shy, always thought that everyone else is more clever, beautiful,..., never thought anybody would care to hear what I have to say, always silent. I changed gradually over the past few years, and when I think now of all the opportunities I missed becuase of that, I think how stupid it was. But back then nobody's arguments could make me think any different. It's a process and it's possible, very strange I would say, maybe quite by chance.