So I moved out. I live on my own and enjoy safety at night without having to worry that I'll be abused again... I should be happy. Why am I so sad? Crying all day today, can't be bothered to work. I can't take this. I left my kids... Hope they will forget about me soon. I had two options: a thoughtful and caring one - stay with the kids and my husband. The kids would be happy, my husband would he happy. I would be regularly sexually abused and raped. Or A totally selfish one - moving out. I don't think I deserve to ne happy, but I feel like I exhausted all my coping mechanisms, like the one I imagined I'm a prostitute or the one I imagined I was somewhere else. They stopped working. Started drinking a lot recently till I pass out to not to feel anything. Both paths I could choose were leading to here. To the end. Saturday night I'm not coming back. Hope I have enough courage to do this, because I have not enough courage to live anymore.