Hope is a mystery to me!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DEADBOY, Jun 5, 2013.

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  1. DEADBOY

    DEADBOY Member

    I'm very ill. I suffer from chronic pain, major seizures, ect. I live in pain constantly.
    I try hard to cope, the meds & MMJ do help.
    And now I have an opportunity where in 4 or so minths. With the help of friends. Could have a better and more $ secure future.
    I should be happy. I should be extited.
    I feel only misery. Thoughts and plans for ending the suffering.
    No matter how hard I try, I'm very little help to my friends due to illness.
    But the accept me anyways.
    But still, I just want to die. I see nothing in the future where anything is better, the pain will always be prevelant.
    I know I'm just a burden. That's no pity statement. That's honesty.
    I should really just save all the trouble
    of being burdened by me. And just finally end this pain.
    I honstley just wish I wouldn't wake up.
    But......, I will, and somehow continue to deal.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun do you have a specialist in place that will help you deal with your pain There are doctors that just work in that one field. Your friends would not be better off without you hun
    they are your friends because they chose to be not because they have too.
    Have you talk to your doctor as well about these thoughts hun if not it would be a good idea to maybe tell him or her. Get some therapy or meds to help you deal with the sadness
    You see yourself as a burden that is depression talking Glad to see you reaching out here hope you continue to use the forums the chat for support ok
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Before I even saw the reply above me, I was going to ask the same question...do you have a pain specialist? My boyfriend lives in chronic pain and he had to see pain specialists numerous time. The problem is that it does cost quite a bit of money but it's well worth it. Getting the pain under control can greatly improve the quality of your life. And about the suicidal thoughts-I suffered with them for years and I am only 24, I am happy now that I can say I no longer suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts thanks to medications, talking, doing positive things. Best of luck to you and keep posting, we're here to support each other. :)
     
  4. DEADBOY

    DEADBOY Member

    I have a pain spec. He really tries to help as much as possible. He can only prescribe so much and my body, due to tolerance levels, keeps rising.
    It's a never ending battle.
    I told my Phyche that I plan on ending my life. In a manner such as "the right to die" Or suicide, or a peaceful ending kind of thing.
    And he understands. I've been under drs care for years. No meds truly help, only make it a but eaiser. And now I'm allergic to so many meds that you probably wouldn't believe me.
    And as far as Phyche meds, bad side affects, allergies to meds, none work.

    There really no future, but one filled with a masked pain thanx to the opiates. Which is really bad and I hate being reliant on these pills.
    The cannabis helps, it really does!
    But it's just getting to be to much.
    Hospice probably is not far off. And that's no fun at all.
    I'd honestly rather shoot myself than deal with that.
    I've tried every road, dr, herbal, method. And many others.
    It's a war that I'm loosing, I've won many many battles. But I fear the war is soon to be lost.
     
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