hope needs to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morning rush, Jan 7, 2014.

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  1. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    why is it so hard to just end it? I really want to, I keep looking at methods, but there's something else that seems to prevent me from doing anything...something like hope or something like that, the hope that maybe things will change...that maybe I will be happy, able to manage the emotions, to not be so tired all the time and to maybe have friends, maybe have a boyfriend...

    I hate that hope, I hate it with a passion, it needs to die...so I can end it...
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That hope is precious, the thought that perhaps something can change and let you see a way forward with your life.
    Let it guide you to try something, there are always new ways that may help, such as CBT?
     
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    CBT? what's CBT?
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, something I have used and which really helped me. Its not a magic bullet and takes some work but it can really help.
     
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I've done 16 years of therapy, I'm done with that. That hope needs to die so I can let go and die too.
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry it did not work for you.
    But do not let the hope try, there are different types of therapy, different people, etc.
     
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I did a lot of other therapies...I've had enough of therapies. I'm tired, really tired. Maybe that's why I'm so depressed. I recently found out I have anemia so....I just think that I have the right to end it if I want to. But hope is holding me back...idk...I'm tired, I've had enough....
     
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry. What is being done about your anemia?
     
  9. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    morning rush, i agree with you that hope is a monster who needs to die. it's what has kept me lingering on farrrrr too long as well. because as time goes on, another day, another month, another year, and i think that surely Something must change, something must improve a tiny little bit, surely i cannot feel WORSE...and guess what? I'm wrong, because things do become worse, maybe i lose a job or have one less acquaintance (don't have friends), my health further disintegrates and meanwhile I'm here struggling to function and exist in a world where it seems like everyone all around me is important to someone, matters to someone, with a reason to smile and laugh and live.

    hope is just cruel for some of us. it makes us go on and endure more and more suffering and heartache when the reality is we will never be "one of them," will never have a place or purpose or value. that is why i hate it and work everyday to smother the bit of it that's left inside me. you may not have yet reached that point, and who knows, you may already be "one of them," and simply not realize it. only you can answer those questions for yourself.
     
  10. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    i need to do another blood test to see how bad the anemia is, I'm waiting for the paper in the mail, then I will do blood test. But I am so tired, tired all the time...I can't concentrate or do anything...

    It could be the weather, cold, freezing and I can't go out because of my asthma, although it's going to get warmer...who knows...


    sweetles, I understand what you mean. I doubt I'm one of them, I have no one, nothing really, and I"m at the point where I can't watch any movie or tv series that has romance in it...it just breaks my heart and hurts me to see people happy and in love when I'm alone and friendless...idk how I'm going to get out of this....
     
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