Hope this is ok here...?

[Prussia]

I'm not entirely sure if this post fits under this thread or not but if it doesn't, please let me know where it should go (if anywhere) and I'll do the thing. I'm sorry it's super long in advance. Please skip it if you need sleep.

Not sure how to start but I would really like some support and advice relating to my sexuality and my past relationship. I'd rather just talk to him about it since it's some specific stuff about his life but he is continuing to believe I never existed so here I am.

Ok, so I'm bisexual and have been for a couple years now (or at least defined it then) but I've never felt it to be an important identity to me. I just am. Up until recently, I'd never had any problems because of it either (super lucky for bisexuals btw). Since it wasn't a big deal to me, I didn't exactly hide it or anything. If someone asked, I answered and moved on in life. No big deal.

So I didn't think it'd be a problem when I was dating a heterosexual guy. I was in a committed relationship with him and was happy and while women are great, they weren't who I was dating. But once we agreed to try long-distance when I went abroad, and for the years after, he started getting really weird. He never stopped talking about women, specifically sexually. If I happened to mention that I saw a good looking woman, he would instantly ask for pictures. Of her and/or me, preferably with boobs. I asked him to stop, it was making me super uncomfortable and was seriously creepy. He said "I'm just joking, it's fun. I'm not going to stop."

Instead, I stopped mentioning women around him at all in any way that could be skewed to anything sex related. But we still have sexual needs and over distance it's not easy. Don't worry, won't get too graphic or anything.
He tried to push me to talk more about female on female sex to get off and I did for a while cause I liked it and I knew he liked it so fine. But again, he never stopped. All day, every day, that was all he talked about. I would try to have a regular conversation about literally anything (yes, actually literally) and he wouldn't respond but the minute women, boobs, or sex popped up, he wouldn't shut up.

Every so often, I would talk to him about it and mention my concerns and how terrible his actions made me feel. He would chat with me a while, agree that he should try to actually have conversations with me more, and we started 2 email chains to keep us both happy. One for regular chatting, one for sensual chatting. Without fail, every time, he'd never respond to the regular one but pester me about the second one all day. I told him no repeatedly and would eventually just never respond to that email. I didn't know what else to do.

It got to the point that even when we were together, if he wasn't getting some at every possible second, he was depressed. I even tried to start a conversation about politics (very easy in the US) and he gave me a monologue then started back at his plate in silence for 2 minutes. I can't do a guy who can't even pretend to care about me, which he knew from day 1, but he complained anyway. Even when I was into it, in my head I knew he was just fantasizing about two other random women getting it on and didn't give a shit about me.

I feel like he used my bisexuality as nothing but justification for his own sexual fantasies. I honestly want nothing to do with women sexually anymore because I'll just imagine some guy getting off to our moment. I'm super angry about it and I know he's dated other bisexual women. Now I wonder if he only dates bisexuals for this reason and I want him to understand that it's NOT OKAY TO TREAT ANY WOMAN THAT WAY.

But I can't. So here's where the advice part comes in. Idk how to reclaim that confidence I had as a bisexual after all this. I'm not even sure I want to be one anymore if it means being treated like absolute shit. I already get enough of that as a female, thanks. This eats at me every time I think about moving on with someone. I'm terrified I'll never have a real relationship again.
I also want to know if there's anything to be done about this idiot's treatment of women. Part of me wants to ask his friends to keep him away from bisexual women, but I also feel like that's seriously over-reaching my boundaries.

I just don't want anyone else to feel as terrible as I do every day. What do I do?

 

[Shannew]

Hey lovely,
I think this is a common problem with women these days. We are so attached to our partners that we tolerate a lot of shit that we don't deserve. I've been there many times before and it does take a lot of active effort to know your worth and not be used by these horny assholes. Even if its hard we have to accept that sometimes the one we love does not appreciate us the way we appreciate them and hence is not the one for us. From what you are saying, it seems that you need someone else but your own insecurities are stopping you. Ask yourself simply: "Am i going to be with him for the rest of my life? Does he treat me like a Princess and respect me? Is there someone possibly better for me out there?" Trust me, you WILL find someone else if you end things with him, and they will be better.
Don't let one guy hold you back from true happiness, its not worth it.

All the best my friend x

 

[Prussia]

Sorry, I was so in my head when I wrote this I must have forgotten to mention that he is my ex.
He ended it a few months ago and I am finally beginning to feel ok again but anytime I think about giving a new relationship a try, this all pops into my head. I dont want his actions to control my future. Hence, my dilemmas.

 

[Esther.99]

I think even tho you will feel that way you need to understand that bisexuals (mostly women) are seen by a lot of men like ''girls to have threesomes'' but does not mean all the people think like that
I think you should try meeting new boys and with the time you will learn more about them and you can maybe talk to them what they think about this topic etc Now that you have experienced what is to be a dick of a boyfriend, next time you will see sooner if you should have a relationship with him or no
(Im talking about boys because girls are always okay with it since they probably have felt the same way)
By the way you are so lucky no one thinks bad about bisexuals where you live. Here i havent told anyone because for example in class they say some biphobic things so even tho i think they would stop if i told them that im bisexual i know they would think about me in a bad way

 

[Aurelia]

Sounds to me like he's just a dick who seriously needs to learn how to respect women in general, both heterosexual and bisexual. That doesn't mean that you should be afraid of who you are, or getting into another relationship, though. Not all men are like that. I'm bisexual and married to a guy, and he knows this about me, but hasn't once tried to use it against me in that way. I'm not attracted to anybody else anymore, period, now that I'm married - men or women. And I expect the same from my partner. Your partner's got to respect your boundaries, and someone who loves you, will do that. So, find that person and don't be scared just because of one dickhead.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Its quite hard to move on from this issue however I believe in you and you can do it. Just a rotten thing he did just don't let him win ruining your experience with trusting anyone else, take your time and take slow steps to regain your trust/confidence in yourself and anybody else

 

[Prussia]

How do I trust someone else not to act this way when it is literally taught to people to over-sexualize women? Especially women who are into other women.

It's literally taught, mostly in the form of humor that's funny 'because it's true', to men to get it as much as they can before they get married because then women will stop putting out. Based on those I've met so far (and that idiot who thought he was the best guy ever for NOT being one of those guys), people end up exactly like they're taught. Whether they intend to or not. In your 20s/30s? You'd better do it all the time before you get too old! [sarcastic]